This is a rewrite of an earlier poem called "Chainmail Girls." This was the winner of a county-wide poetry contest.
~
Eva May leans against a white window
her shape—reedy
knotted
lovely—gleams
like the coins on a fountain bottom
in the light cool
yellow and blue on our faces
there are unseen hands covering her ears and my words rest
as frost on the tops of my feet my
ears don't work either
she goes through the mothy glass before I can touch her
rises from the black silent ground into the air
her standard gathered in my hands
gone
Christina has iridescent
beetly laughs like prisms
she is tickled as if her bones are made out of
feathers and leaves but sarcoma
stones make her dancing legs heavy and she doesn't cut them but cuts her hair
gives it as an offering and I
sit with her and she kisses me thin
fingers raking my dark hair like a skeleton comb white
sheets filling the hollows of her
when summer ends she is burned and her chainmail pools on the floor
smoky and glittering
gone
Sandra drags the standard and armor behind her like a wedding train
weary shoulders and breasts and belly soft and pink like magnolias
she waits for when the other girls will lay down their starhair as ropes so she
can climb away from the fiery stake of good witches
waits for the day she is assumed into the sky
my patron saint
my beata maria crouches in the valley encircled
by a séance of bricks and glass
wrapped in coaly grief
her ceremonials like acorns on headstones she is
cat-eye silver and glowing
sustaining
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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To be honest, I don't normally read these kinds of poems Nothing against your style of writing. Honestly. It's just never the kind that I would pick up automatically. But, I really enjoyed this. I loved the imagery you used throughout the whole thing. I especially loved the line:
"there are unseen hands covering her ears and my words rest"
It is very poetic and I love the way you use your words to create such a picture. Once again, you completely changed my mind about this genre. Which can be hard fr someone to do to me.
I'm very impressed with the layout of the poem It doesn't always flow particularly well, but that could be something you were trying to achieve, and it may not have been. But either way it does work with the poem in an odd way.
Along with your imagery, I would like to point out that I did love your use of simile in the line:
"her ceremonials like acorns on headstones she is"
I believe it gives a very strange but unique life to the "ceremonials" and I really love it. and I do love the story you tell It, as well, is very unique, which is one of the things that sold me on this poem. Overall, I really enjoyed i. Tis was very well written and was a very pleasurable read.
Good luck and happy writing,
-BlockedWriter21
Holy frick frack, your imagery is beautiful!
The layout of your poem is amazing, and each stanza really creates a vivid image of each girl and her personality. Usually i don't find poems great for character building but this one really works, i could picture them all in my head hair colour, facial features, everything.
The use of language her is also just as perfect "like the coins on a fountain bottom" is just a great line that as well as "stones make her dancing legs heavy and she doesn't cut them but cuts her hair," I just love it, very well done!