I was once
a bitter sea
of seven devils
they came to me at night
from the gorges of
sheol
they tore down my walls
with their black hands
possessed me
with wire and hooks
the devils whispered
taunted
laughed
screamed
like storm-torn waves
I was a young girl
tormented
drowning
but there came a man
a king in beggar’s clothes
whose feet had never
walked in shadow
whose hands had never
known the color of decadence
whose lips had never
tasted the grin of malice
his eyes were
green pools
living
sublime
divine
he told them to flee
begone
begone
begone
begone
begone
begone
begone
to all seven demons
at his command
hell tore its way
up and out of me
leaving the flavor of splendor
of salt and light
on my tongue
and my lips quivering
sighing
with relief
like foam on a beach
I followed him
enslaved myself to him
I wore his sails
braided my hair
in his nets
bound myself
to his oars
if he drowned
I would go with him
but people became afraid
of what he would do
to their ponds
of pride
lust
greed
they loved the taste
of dark water
bitterness
loved it more
than their own souls
in a deluge
they came to us
they killed him
my God
my God
flayed him like a fish
bound him to a tree
and tore out
his heart
so that red water
fell from him
sorrow carved channels
into my face with tears
I wait for him now
among the darkling tombs
in the fog of prophecy
wait for him
to come to me
as sure as the dawn
angels gleaming silver
like mackerel
tell me he is risen
I feel like I am submerged
breathless
they ask me if I can feel
the living water
cool and green
rushing over me
from its limitless well
the only sounds
I can hear are
the current
the overflow
and my love
my rapture
my God
whispering
to the watery darkness
begone
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,819 Reviews
Hi LLZ here.
First I'd like to say that this poem is very interesting. I'm not quite sure what it's supposed to be about, but that's probably just me! : )
I loved the way it tells the tale using short sentences and structure, which is effective. Though sometimes the use of repetition doesn't make it flow perfectly, so you could take some of the repetition and replace them with words of a similar meaning.
I'm not sure if it's the style for this poem, but there is no punctuation in the poem. Even though it might not be needed in this poem, try and include a full stop at the end, like a dramatic ending. If you get what I mean.
"so that red water"
You could change that to...
"Scarlet blood"
If that's what you're trying to describe.
Overall it was very well written!
Good job and keep on writing
From LLZ
Thanks for the review!
This is about the story of Mary (Mara) Magdalene in the Bible. The use of "red water" was trying to continue with the water/fish/sea motif. Also, when Jesus (the character being killed in this poem) was stabbed with a spear, His wound poured out blood and water.
Oh wow, I've never heard of that story! Thanks for explaining!
Hey there! joallover here for a review on this wonderful Review Day for team Mazarine Marauders!
Can I just say...oh my goodness. How does this have only one review?! This is amazing! It has spiritual elements with compassion and love. You must know God in a deep way to be able to write this, just reading it gives me a spiritual high!
Ok, enough gushing. Review time!
One part that I adored was when you wrote out each seven 'begone's
"he told them to flee
begone
begone
begone
begone
begone
begone
begone
to all seven demons"
as it just adds a sort of drama you can't find in other wordings.
I believe there was a part where I was going to suggest improvement, but I can't seem to find it at the moment. Oh well, I suppose that's a good thing
That's all for now! This is a truly epic and awesome poem, keep writing.
Peace Love and Fahrvergnugen!
-joallover
Thanks for the review!
Hi there
I'm guessing you were inspired by Easter? I loved the ongoing imagery related to the sea, it definitely tied the whole poem together and gave it a continuous idea, which was effective.
I'm not sure about the first stanza. It works the way it is, but for some reason I think it could be phrased differently so you know that the "devils" occupied her, but they don't make up all of who she is.
In the stanza "he told them to flee/begone/begone/begone/begone/begone/begone/begone/to all seven demons" I think the last line seems a little weird. Maybe if you phrased it "he told all seven demons to flee/begone..." and then remove that last line?
I noticed the change between devil and demons and I'm not sure if it matters much, but to me those mean two different things. Perhaps pick one and continue with that.
Finally, when you show that the Romans turned against Jesus, it's kind of hard to figure out what you mean until you mention the crucifix. It seems like a sudden jerk from her tying herself to Jesus and his glory to the Roman's fear. The "they" is very ambiguous and, though I don't think you should explicitly say "the Romans," I think you can elaborate.
Otherwise, I thoroughly enjoyed it! It caught my attention and kept it, which is one of the hardest parts of writing. Pretty much all of the things I mentioned above are just little things that bothered me, but the poem still stands strong as it is and if you think my suggestions don't align with your vision of the poem then you obviously don't have to adopt them. Keep writing, my friend.
-Lucky_Duck