he is a fall noon;
bleak and blazing and cold
thin red copper and gold and
dark-eyed and bright-minded and
brooding toward winter
he's
sentimental
gathered
rustic and rescued
with a cider-tart tongue
slumber-hearted and sickle-mouthed
pale-birched and imprinted with
leaves
thoughts heavy like pumpkins
encrusted
in cool dirt
she is a spring night;
navy and moonlit
warm and sparkling and leaping
with newness and levity
and levitations
lily-lavendered
crystaled with dew and she's clovered
and
willowed and lovely
luminous
peony-lipped and limy with
grass and gleaming
and showered with bright teal rains
and petals and stars
and they're in love
fingers laced like a cage
the springtide can love her autumn
love undrowned
by the waters
and the autumn can love his
springtide
love jealous
as the grave
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Canary word: Present
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
I like this poem. However, I would have polished some minor details a little bit more before posting. It was creative to use seasons in relation to people. A lot of people wouldn't be able to do that. So good job
What details, exactly?
This review is brought to you by Mary and the Cry It Out Method in which she screams like a banshee. >.>
I am going to be the horrible person and say that this didn't really catch my interest. >.> It didn't go deep enough! You basically just threw a bunch of autumnal adjectives at me for the first stanza and a bunch of springtime adjectives at me for the second stanza. Then, you put them together in a sort of relationship, which was slightly interesting, but the love between these seasons seems shallow as well because you didn't go deep enough.
Instead of using adjectives to move your poem, why not use some interesting verbs to suggest movement, so that instead of visually describing everything, we can see action and movement instead? That way, both autumn and spring can be personified better.
Spring can laugh like the tumbling creeks, full to the brim with her warm tears of joy. She can dance with the newborn lambs and sing with the robin. She can jump up and paint rainbows in the sky. She can brush away the dirt off the pale green shoot that is reaching up for heaven. Yes, I am using adjectives here, but I am also using verbs that have her doing something.
Autumn, with the slightest touch, can turn everything to gold. An eternal Midas, if you will. A mature man with the knowledge that everything dies, but dying in its own right has a glory of its own. You can make this stanza more pensive and heavy and even play around with the style so that Spring and Autumn seem to have different voices, even.
The third stanza has the word "love" in it way too much. Five times... give me a break. You don't have to say that they're in love. The "fingers laced like a cage" is better, for instance, at depicting their relationship. See if you can find a better way to describe their love. Preferably, with action.
The "love undrowned /by the waters" seems off because you didn't mention waters. The grave part of the poem (and I don't mind the allusion at all) is only reasonable because autumn broods of winter, and thoughts of winter can lead to thoughts of death, since many die during the winter time.
... HEY. It's before 3 am and Mary fell asleep! HOORAY! Thanks, Cole! I think I am going to head to bed now...
If you have any questions (since this review is most likely incomprehensible seeing as it's way too late and I was a bit distracted thanks to Mary's absolutely delightful screaming), please ask! I will try to clarify at a less awful time.
EDIT: I corrected a spelling error and finished a sentence that was left unfinished in the original critique. Hopefully, it makes more sense?
I like how it was a perspective of each person. It was fun to read and creative. cant wait to read more.
Hello, Tigerlilly here for a review!
This was an excellent poem, and I love the contrast in it. It flows well together, and each sides are equally mirrored yet not redundant which is most definitely nice in a poem, as sometimes they can be. It has great wording, and everything just comes together wonderfully. As hard as I try, I can't figure out anything that might have been out of place or possibly done differently. Its just a wonderful piece, so keep writing! I look forward to reading more of your work!
This is hardly a review. A few things.
Remove 'those' as it fires colloquially in a place where you've otherwise disallowed easy speak. I feel like you're fairly careful with your writing, so I'm a little surprised this came up.
Your alliteration in her stanza gets a bit excessive as the stanza progresses. What I mean is that it's one thing to hit us with 'levitations / lily-lavendered' and have that as a one-shot poetic element, but continuing it later on with the same consonant is verging on poetic assault, and you never want to assail the reader.
Finally, this is a note from me to you because I'm approaching this as a reader familiar with your works. To me, the final lines taken from Song of Solomon feels predictable from your work; but I will concede that a fresh reader would not know this. Keep this note in mind during revisions because I personally can argue both ways:
a.) It is a line cliched in Christian poetry because of its potency and, let's be honest, Misty Edwards / Jesus Culture abuse throughout the last several years. However
b.) It is a line from the scripture powerful enough for me to have it quoted to instant memory because it is so insatiably beautiful. While scripture reference and god figures are common and arguably paramount in your writing, I think this one is well-applied.
As a final, wave-goodbye note, I think your affections are lovely and well-scripted.