Hello, love.
A forewarning.
I am hardly ever so forthright.
You see, there are usually consequences
For when I speak my mind.
Ever since your kingdom tried to
Cut out my tongue,
I prefer to whisper.
But, why would I neglect an opportunity
Such as this?
Your heart is blue
With a spear in its side.
It is bruised with sorrow.
Why?
Because you discovered something
You already knew.
These men you're dying for
Don't love you like they love themselves.
Or like they love me secretly.
They think you're a fraud.
And, as they're killing you,
They think they're killing me.
You're the devil to them,
And that's all right.
It lets me walk among them a little more easily.
You're a beautiful man, I'm not going to lie,
Although that's what I'm known for.
You look good naked.
Oh, but you do look tired.
You've been hanging from that tree for a while.
I bet you're thirsty.
Holy water?
Sorry, the well's dry.
Have some vinegar instead.
Here's a sponge, love.
That jagged, briar crown looks a little unpleasant.
Now, don't you wish you had given me your throne
All those ages ago?
It's a hard thing to bear, all this Glory.
This royalty.
Mary and Salome.
Your mother and sister are near you. Can't you see them?
Or is there too much blood in your eyes?
I'll take good care of them when you're gone.
I'll sell them as whores. I hear the pay is good.
Why does it matter to you?
They don't really care about you.
Skin for skin, love.
They're letting go of you so they can live better lives.
That penitent thief beside you, Dismas,
Looks rather dismal, eh?
At least you managed to convert a bloody criminal
Before your death.
If I were God, I wouldn't let him into my house.
He's not pretty like you.
You need to be picky.
Because, hopefully you've realized by now
That more than half of the people you're dying for
Aren't worth a single drop of your god-blood.
Oh, my boy, don't make that face.
You act as if I'm the very Roman who's now
Pissing at your feet.
I'm here to help you see
What you are too merciful to see.
These people, your people
Are scum, filth on the bottom of my feet.
And I've walked in some vile places.
They've beaten you,
Slandered you,
Tortured you.
I'm here to make you an offer,
Like the ones I made years ago
In that lonely wilderness.
I'll help you down from this cross
If you give all of these people to me.
If you surrender your claim on their hearts,
I'll make the pain go away, lovely boy.
Just say the words.
Because, it looks to me that
Drinking vinegar from hyssop stalks
While bound to a tree
Isn't all it's made out to be.
What do you say, love?
No?
Well, then.
Those Roman nails
In your wrists and feet
Should keep you put, I suppose,
Lest you fall and strike your foot against a stone.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
I cant ever make a review to honor this.
Either you aren't human, or I am too easily wooed, but this poem was AMAZING. I loved the feeling I got as i slowly deduced that it was Christ, and when I finally realized it was the devil speaking, i was floored.
ugh
I want to scratch this is my wall and memorize it.
I love it.
I literally love everything about this.
Thank you for posting it!
I must say, the title is what caught my eye. I didn't even realize it was you until I clicked on it. (heh) Which means that this is a great title. I would say excellent but my expertise isn't really in that area. "Hyssop and Vinegar" just struck me as unusual and perhaps alluding to a biblical reference... which it was.
I… really don’t like these four words here. It sort of breaks the mood/tone you were going for here, I think. It reads like a love letter, when this is obviously the opposite. Maybe that was your intention, but I think it sounds too trite and cliché to start the poem with. I would suggest just cutting this and starting it on the second stanza. You’re pulled right in that way too, no hesitation.
For some reason I got an image of an R-rated Disney princess movie here. Heh. Just a little biblical-accuracy nitpick here (even though I realize that your intention wasn’t to be “accurate” per say) is that the Bible never mentions them wanting to cut his tongue out. Besides that though, this was a bit choppy. Awkwardly phrased. I’d suggest revising it so as to avoid the “Disney movie imagery.”
Just saying, consistency-wise, this isn’t right. He isn’t dead yet, since he drinks the vinegar at the end of the poem, so why does he have a spear in his side now?
Don’t cut this though, I loved this stanza (probably my favorite) just maybe put it in somewhere else.
Whoah… that escalated quickly.
But that little section there is a bit rough. Maybe you could re-word or change the order or something to help clarify things a bit. It’s sort of odd as-is.
? I thought holy water was catholic? I’m missing the imagery here, but then I’m not catholic. What’s wrong with normal water?
I felt that this part here was distracting. It’s sort of disconnected from the rest of everything, and sort of pulls you out of things so until you remember who these people are. My question is why? Why do you have this in here? Is it absolutely necessary to the poem itself? I personally think it weakens the piece as a whole. It was going good up to here, and then this. It might be a turn-off to some readers.
And then you pull out of it with a twisted, wonderful cliché. (Keep this, somewhere at least, please do.)
This was super distracting to me for two reasons. The first is that the thief’s name is never actually mentioned, and I actually went to look up who Dismas was and what that was all about. You could keep it the way it is, I suppose. I just didn’t get the reference myself. The second is that it seems like you’re trying too hard to be clever. “Dismas” and “dismal,” yes that’s probably where they came up with his name/the word to start with. It’s a little cheesy. Especially, maybe, the “eh” in there.
“Convert” wasn’t invented until… waaaay after Christ’s death. And it seems “too” religious here. How about just “save?” Because that is literally what He did here.
I’m rather distasteful of this here. It’s too modern, too cliché, too childish.
I don’t really like it when the devil starts referring to Him in this way. It’s uh… well, it reminded me of those cheesy anime characters in fanfics, first of all. Secondly, he already referred to Him earlier as a “beautiful” man… so why is he now saying boy? Third, I’ve never heard anyone refer to anyone in their thirties as being a “boy.” (Except maybe some weird old [really old] guys once.)
Overall, I feel that this was a little rough. It’s not your best. But interesting nonetheless. I like how you made Satan out to be rather androgynous (well, angels are genderless after all) but beware of making it seem like this is slanted against homosexuals themselves. You don’t want to turn people off.
But anyway, keep writing.
~ED
solo Christo
Hey! Thanks for taking the time to review this! I'll touch up this poem, but I wanted to comment on your critiques first. I'll number them.
1. While I agree that the second stanza works well as an introduction, I like the irony that the poem sounds like a "cutesy" love letter at first. I think it adds to the patronizing tone.
2. Haha! How does cutting out tongues evoke Disney? You're right in that it isn't explicitly mentioned in scripture that Satan blasphemed with his tongue, but I think we can all assume that, as a betrayer, he committed nearly every act of treachery against God, including boasting about his splendor and vying for the worship of the other angels.
3. When I wrote this, I pictured that it more meant that Satan was aware of what was to come and was speaking in a figurative, but cruelly truthful way.
4. I'm glad you found my portrayal of Satan's lust perverted. That's the exact reaction I wanted.
5. It doesn't matter if holy water is Catholic (and it isn't), Satan is patronizing the Lord and teases him about drinking holy water--and then remarks that Christ's living water, the well He symbolically left for the people, is gone.
6. That bit about Salome and Mary? It's supposed to be unsettling. It's supposed to offend the reader. It's the devil. He's torturing Christ with the image of His mother and sister being sold as prostitutes and then lies to Him about how they do not actually care for Him.
7. I'm glad you appreciated the 'Skin for skin' part! It's one of my favorite uses of allusion in this poem.
8. The penitent thief has long been named Dismas in the tradition of the church--it means 'sunset' in Greek. And, it isn't that I'm trying to be clever, it's that Satan is trying to trivialize Dismas' suffering with a pun.
9. I like the use of the word "convert" because I think it has a colder, more negative connotation than "save". Satan doesn't like Christ's religion, so, here, he's sneering about it.
10. Perhaps I need to reword this part, but here, Satan immaturely focuses on outward beauty and subsequently belittles Christ's struggle to restore men's inward beauty.
11. "Boy." Satan holds himself above Christ, and throughout the poem, he is talking down to Him, so I think it's appropriate and cliche in an insidious kind of way.
I hope I clarified some things. If you have any questions, let me know! Again, I really appreciate you combing through this piece. It's people like you that help writers become better at what they love to do!
Selah,
-H.
I don't have time to write a good review right now, but I want to say I reeeeally liked it. I liked how subtle the first part is, however I feel like you could've kept the subtly going just a little while longer.
"They think you're a fraud.
And, as they're killing you,
They think they're killing me.
You're the devil to them,
And that's all right."
I feel like this basically says that the speaker is the devil, but I was enjoying slowly figuring it out, so saying it outright peeved me a bit.
Otherwise, I still like that you can see Jesus's love in this poem through the devil's criticism of it.
Thanks! I can see what you mean. I'll think about changing it so it remains a "guessing game" for a little longer!
Hi Cole, Dream with review on your poem!
Very interesting poem with different concept and amazing diction. I like what you want to point up here along with the implied meanings that was so deep. The imagery are concrete and you manage to picture your own mind.
I totally love this part, really well written and irony.
Your poem is actually different and unique because it uses a variety of aspects in personalities that exists in the Bible. You seem to be all of them. Not to comment on the idea that much, I prefer just want to say that you really have a good style of writing in poem even though some parts are not really grip my feeling here.
Overall, very impressed poem to me. Keep it up!:)
kudos,cheers.
I love this a lot. I love reading these kind of things from someone elses point of view from a story, they are always interesting to read. I remember back in my senior year of high school i wrote an epic poem titled "Dead View". It was a poem I wrote from the view of fallen King Hamlet from Shakespeare's The Tragedy Of Hamlet. I wish i still had that poem, I would have posted it on here it was one of my best pieces. My English teacher actually stood up and applauded for it when i was done reading it, the rest of class soon followed. But back to your piece, this may have leave offense for many people as well just because of the topic but who cares its creative and everyone has their own opinion on religion. This was awesome to read and i wouldnt change a thing with it. One thing that i was thinking throughout the poem, specifically because of the way satan is talking was that i got the impression that he was a female. I dont know if that was something you were going for but thats just what i got haha. Keep writing
While I am a Christian, I thought it would be intriguing to "play the devil" and imagine what he might say to Christ as He was dying. Hopefully other Christians aren't offended and realize that this poem is ironic.
I made Satan appear androgynous on purpose. I've always imagined that, even though he is male, Satan is cross-sexual. Nothing about him is concrete, not even his sexuality, because he has no boundaries.
In the poem, he shamelessly admits that he finds Christ's naked body attractive and comments on how Dismas is not as handsome. I wanted this to translate as a form of terrible heresy in that the devil is lusting after and objectifying Jesus. Moreover, including being void of any blemish of compassion, modesty, and decency, I imagine that Satan is nauseatingly sexual towards men and women, desperately wicked, horrendously vain, and enthusiastically violent.
Really interesting concept writing this poem from satan's crooked view. I like the opening and how he continues to call Christ "love." As a poem it has a pretty consistent flow and it's quite good! Very unique, unusual take on Christ's crucifixion. Keep up the good work!
Thank you!