Note: This is a "found" poem constructed with specific passages from the text Writing Fiction: A Guide to Narrative Craft.
~
Everything was
[light]
in the forest;
perfect, intimate,
alive.
alert, she [hears]
a serpent crawling through the leaves.
that [creature] can be
distinguished by its own
spectrum of
[hues]:
a
predator.
She seems [hungry]
for the
[fruit]—
hunger
[paints] her lips scarlet.
And she is
lost
to
[darkness].
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Hey Cole, just wanted to say that you are awesome!
O.O
Hello Cole! Here for your review, obviously.
As for the title, I don’t really see how the comparison of the fall of Eve to rape is relevant.
I do like how you blatantly portray Eden as a forest. I think it’s something a lot of people might envision but never really admit it’s a forest they’re imagining. Hurray for raw imagery!
I like “intimate” here - it was unexpected and hopeful.
I feel like these lines aren’t really necessary - they don’t add much to the already general description/portrayal of Satan in snake-form.
~
I’m trying to grasp the intent behind the brackets - are you using them for syntax, special emphasis, or to separate them as a short poem by themselves? I tried stringing the words together: “Light hears creature hues: hungry fruit paints darkness,” and found that to be really profound. If that’s what you’re going for, I think that could stand alone without all the rest of the poem. I mean, it’s breath-taking. Like Bon Iver lyrics or something. (Reminds me of his song “Creature Fear”). It’s just that the rest of the poem seems kind of like Genesis 3 with enjambment - nothing especially new is being presented.
I could be missing something completely, but these are just my first thoughts.
I’d love to see more!
Indie
Thanks for the review! The note I added might help you make a little more sense of the poem's structure.
I found this really interesting. I liked that Eve was the victim and the snake the antagonist rather than Eve being blamed for a sin the snake convinced her to commit. The way the poem was quite disjointed with some lines being only a single line was really effective at creating a feeling of discomfort and building tension. You've also done a good job of selecting only really emotive words like "scarlet", "intimate" etc. Really nice piece- very thought provoking!
The note I added might help you make a little more sense of the poem's structure.
I really do like this piece. You first sentence I have nothing to complain about
good job on that.
alert, she [hears] a serpent crawling through the leaves. You should capitalize the first letter of your sentence.
that [creature] can be distinguished by its own spectrum of [hues]: a predator. You still need to capitalize the first letter. This is also you longest sentence, you can try and shorten it by getting rid of "sticky words". You should take out the colon after hues.
She seems [hungry] for the [fruit]— hunger [paints] her lips scarlet. Take out the dash after fruit. Seems is a very vague word try replacing it with something a little more creative.
And she is lost to [darkness]. You should not start your sentences with and.
This was a very good poem. I feel that it would be even better with the corrections but I like it
Keep up the great work. Also if you have the time come check out my stories
Thank you for the review! I will point out, though, that creative writing doesn't have to have immaculate grammar. Good writing sometimes transcends grammatical/structural conventions!
Also, the note I added might help you make a little more sense of the poem's structure.
Wow. Just Wow. This is exceptional!
I love how it's just like, flickers! I can Imagine it all in my mind...
I'm guessing with the [words] were to add emphasis, or to make them...I don't know, like, make us want to picture it more, If that makes sense
I don't know what else to say!
Other then I love how you say "[paints] her lips scarlet."
Beautiful piece Cole
Thanks for reading until here <3
Kamryn
The note I added might help you make a little more sense of the poem's structure.
It does! Thank you