Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
down
down into the blind world
the straightforward path curls away from
me like a sickle
a circle
i'm in the belly and the billows of the earth and
the hellmouth yawns and licks my feet and hands like dogs do
to a beggar's sores
its mineshaft throat and breath tastes
smells of bitter bitter chocolate and copper and shit and flesh
and i've no lantern
no light no light
and i'm alone and deaf and blind like the blind like the dead
world
and charon the cruel mule driver
tills up the blackdamp up the razor gravel
in this place where the only congress is coaly hands and teeth all wanting a bite
a piece
a pound of me
and every devil claims me as his own
here i'm nameless
called only pilgrim
wanderer and
shade
beata
gloria
you descend
and hell has tasted its first saintess
in the pit you are a vein of mexican silver shining
and here you come to me like a blade
of moonbeam on a black sea
a wire of lightning into the ground your feet
stay white on acheron's beaches
and your hands
are my lanterns
i claw at your peony skirts and you
love me still that i curse and
cry and that my
face is dirty
you let down your hair and it falls
falls as war upon my slavery
and you give me back my name and we rise
you carve an astral line up through
hell's lungs and it belches up after us
but with a stare you conquer
it and its dark spires run like murky water down a drain
we sever ourselves from the underworld's last threads and
in the pale air and
brightness i cleave to you
because i know stars
don't last long after dawn
and hell would call me again if my queen
my salvation
vanished with the night
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Hello Cole! CHRISSY321 here with a quick review!
! Keep writing! 
*Happy review day!
I think this is sweet you wrote this especially for someone! I love all the detail and the hidden meaning that I can tell are for someone you really care about! I think all of these things can make you a great writer! I really hope that you continue to write like this! I give this a 100% thins up and see nothing to fix! Yay! Maybe you can write a story with you and your girl in it!
Your imagery was amazing! I agree with Lumi, however, in every sense. There were some moments that didn't need as much imagery, and sometimes the formatting struck me as a little odd. I feel that I can help you be more impacting with the way that this all flows.
For instance, in your first stanza;
"down into the blind world
the straightforward path curls away from
me like a sickle
a circle"
I feel that it would be better if you make "me" part of the previous line, to give some anticipation for the "like a sickle" line.
"its mineshaft throat and breath tastes
smells of bitter bitter chocolate"
The two lines don't seem to join with the flow of the rest of the poem.
"and i'm alone and deaf and blind like the blind like the dead "
Did you mean to repeat "like the blind" twice?
"i claw at your peony skirts and you
love me still that i curse and"
I also feel like here "you" needs to be on the following line because the rest of the lines of the stanza ends with "and".
Your poem absolutely gripped me and I could feel my heart aching the entire way through. I'm glad that you shared this with us. Thank you, and keep writing.
Colesir. <3
Your imagery fires on all cylinders in this piece, which is why I liked it. You've found a good headspace for condensed, chaotic, potent images that bring out exactly the notes you want. The downside of this is that it's so strong that when you turn at beata / gloria and begin the intermittent descriptions of salve imagery, you overshoot your goal and ruin bits and pieces that I believe could be used as very tasteful, subtle moments.
Without flowery words, you basically describe hell so well that the absence of it in your Christhead is blatant without necessity. So any additional power you give to your Christhead is overkill upon arrival.
I think this is a chance to examine the more tired phraseology with the salve imagery and to pull at unique threads to bolster an already powerful piece. Keep that general thought in mind when revising before submission.
As far as titles go, I think the titular line that grabs me the most is white among acheron's beaches. It snapshots what you're doing without overselling, I think.
You're learning good lessons. Good job.
Ty
Thank you for this review! You're always incredibly helpful. (I'm using that title; I love it.)