Young Writers Society

Hey Carddragon,

This song is good. I feel like you've really got the essence of knights and what they stand for in here. I liked the repeat of words at the end of some of the lines because it feels like a good chant, and that's what soldiers do. It gets a bit repetitive at some points so maybe it would be good to spice it up and change it around a bit? I like the whole idea you've got going here and you've written it down well.

Also at some point in the song it would be nice to know more about why twelve knights. You touch upon it with the 12 months, 12 knights. But adding more of it in there will get the song even more interesting.

The tune is alright, and could run a bit more smoothly.

Keep writing! ^^ And posting

Deanie x

Here, try formatting it like whoever the author of this did:

The delicate stem, holds her fragile-self together.

Those sharp thorns protect her from the hurt and the pain.

Dainty petals held open waiting for love

But then...her thorns are cut.

Her petals are plucked.

Now, all that is left is the stem, laying on the cold, city sidewalk.

A majestic little flower corrupted by life.

Once you re-format, I'll gladly read it all the way through!

I didn't really read all the way though it. I think you should probably re-format it, it would make it so much better! I think I read the first few lines. All of your words so cramped give me a slight headache. From what I did read though, it seems like you're doing okay. You've got just got to format it better, you know? Good luck!

Hi,
so far I agree with gineapiggirl, you need to sot out the lines!
But I think its a great song, so dont get that bit wrong.
Um, I also found myself skimming through it slightly, so try to work on the lines a bit more...
How long have you been working on this? You seem to have a good idea.
try and make the tune easier to follow, I dont know, I have not been on this website long, but I think if you copy a link and put it at the bottom with a picture of the stave notation of the music.
But thats what I've got to say, overall, I think its great!
IzzyKat

Hello.
Soooooo umm... This is a song. Firstly, sort out the lines. It's all in a block and stuff.
I don't really get what this song is about. Well, I know it's about the months being knights, but you don't really expand on that.
I was expecting a bit on each season and some sort of... more. Some more chivalry and stuff. And some more description.
Also, you've used the apostrophe wrong. If these are lyrics and presumably you're singing them I guess that doesn't matter, but it's a bit annoying. And, knowing how to use the apostrophe is important for everythign in life. So here's a link : http://www.apostrophe.org.uk/page2.html
Read it please!
I think this song is a bit strange. It has a ring of the end of the world. With all that stuff you say about them rising in one godly day and fighting all their enemies and bringing righteousness and eternal stuff. But I don't get what the seasons have to do with this?
Or why they're knights?
So, in conclusion, I like the idea you have here, of the twelve seasons as knights. However, I think you could do a lot more with it, and that this is very confusing. I also think you should visit that site on how to use the apostrophe. I'm curious about how this would fit to music. What sort of music are you thinking of having with this?
I hope I've been some help.