Your eyes are always shining,
Like raindrops in the city lights
And your smile is contagious,
Contagious like never ending laughter.
But I see the falter in your smile,
And the tears in your eyes fighting to come out.
I see the rope, the rope keeping you steady;
I see it getting longer and tighter.
I see it get weaker as every day passes,
Until one day, it snaps
And you fall
I don't see any shining eyes?
Where are the raindrops in the city lights?
There's no contagious smile!
Gone like a flame in the wind
Where have you gone?
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137,476 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Hi there, late welcome to YWS, I hope you're enjoying the site so far, I'm here to review your poem!
Oh this poem starts very light but then become sad as it turns and we see that there is more going on under the surface of this person the narrator likes. I like that you use a progression of images, and then use the metaphors of falling and rope to narrate the emotions of the poem. One of the best lines is certianly "your eyes are always shining, like raindrops in the city lights" --> it's a great line because it describes their beauty physically - but also symbolically how they seem to always be a positive glimmer through life's storms. I'd love if you could do similar turns with your other metaphors - make them describe something concrete and then also metaphorical - or if you could stay on that image of the eyes/rain a bit longer because it's such a nice one.
I also think as a reader it'd be great to know the background of why this turn happens -> does the speaker have any idea of what happened to the person they loved or what caused it?
Overall, the story doesn't get resolved, but it does communicate a message of friendship through thick and thin and you have some complex metaphors in here too. Looking forward to reading more of your poetry soon.
~alliyah
I know this is a late reply but thank you for the advice, I mainly write how I'm feeling in the moment, leave it for a bit to get reviews and then work off my reviews. But again thank you, I will try and create this again but more with the tips you gave me
You're welcome!
Hi there, CJ6233! My name is Scarlett, and I'll be reviewing you poetry today!
I'm a little rusty, so you'll have to forgive me. Now, let's see what you've got here...
First off, you can probably separate this into stanzas, but you don't have to. Just a suggestion, as stanzas might help people read it a little easier! As for the poem itself, I like it. Now, for a little nitpicking...
Here's a quick tip; you don't have to capitalize the first letter of the first word of every line! But that's okay if you do. Also, may I suggest removing the full stop after "lights" as that breaks up the flow you've got going into the next line?
You could turn the comma after "steady" into a semi-colon (one of these;) so it can flow into the next line even better. I feel like you could have a little fun with the breaks between lines, y'know. ^^
Again, that full stop after "snaps" could either be a comma or go completely as you start the next line with "and", mostly because that just flows better.
Again, the full stop after "lights" could become a comma or be removed completely, or if you're really wanting to have fun with pauses, you could use the semi-colon again. ^^
And again here with the full stop thing here.
Overall, I love the repetition you have going here with "contagious" and "gone", etc. It's an interesting idea and I would love to play with it myself. XD You mess with your flow a lot by introducing unnecessary pauses with the full-stops I pointed out above, which are easily fixed by following my suggestions. Of course, you're completely free to ignore my advice. ^^ I like you imagery here with the shining eyes and raindrops and city lights. It paints a lovely picture in my head, but also a sad one. If you ever decide to rewrite this, I've love to know!
Keep it up and never stop writing!
~Scarlett.
Thank you so much for the advice, you don't seem rusty at all by the way
. I myself having wrote poetry in a good time so I didn't really feel where to put my punctuation, I just put it in and hoped for advice. And here you are like my saving grace 
. Thank you again and have a lovely day.
Aww, I'm glad you find this helpful!
The same to you with Selina Scarlett, I have taken my poem and changed the given punctuation. I thank you so much because without your support and kind words I would have abandoned this poem!
Aww, I'm glad I could help!
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Hey there CJ6233!
Selina from DoubleRiders here to review your work! Hopefully what I have to say is helpful, I am not the greatest at catching thing that need to be fixed... here we go!
First off I would like to say that your poem was unique. My favourite line was “ like raindrops in the city lights”. For the corrections I only have two little things I noticed. The first is a grammar mistake. In line 16 you have “wont” and it should be “won’t”.
The second thing was that from lines 1-9 you are talking as if you are seeing him in the present moment getting weaker. From lines 10- 20 you start acting like he has already snapped... see the problem? Your leading us to believe we are in the present moment but then you start acting as if it was the past. I don’t know if you understand what I am trying to say, but please feel free to ask for more of a description if you don’t... sorry
Other than those two things, I have nothing really to say. I enjoyed your poem and I look forward to reading more of your work!
~ DoubleRiders~
I fully understand what you were saying with the lines 1-9 and 10-20, I was a bit tired while writing this so I guess I didn't notice, as for the grammar that will also be fixed. Thank you for reviewing my work as it brings me more joy than you could believe.
Awesome. Keep writing!!
Thank you for your advice Selina, I have changed the ending completely and I feel like it fits better than the one before, thank you again
Very nice job!