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E - Everyone

A little bit of love.

by CJ6233

His hair is a coal black colour, it reflects light in the sun. His beautiful, cerulean blue eyes dart across the room, watching everyone walk past. They shine and stand out against the grey hoodie and black pair of jeans he has decided to wear. He looks gorgeous, mysterious but captivating all at the same time. He’s the reason I come to this coffee shop, I don’t even like coffee! I eat the same muffin as him, my method of understanding him. Nobody notices him like I do. Nobody notices those well defined cheekbones. His strong pointed jaw. The way he tilts his mouth up at elderly people walking past, but tilts it down in confusion or if a group of bad people walk past. And that’s the thing, he knows who’s good and who’s bad. He looks over at me sometimes, and I shy away. He probably thinks I’m disgusting, I mean, who would even like me. I have paper white hair and poop brown eyes. I’m just old Plain Jane and he’s Gorge George! I lay back in my chair as I sip my milkshake, drifting into my dreams of him, Jake Harlet.

His hair is the colour of snow, I want to run my hands through it. His beautiful brown eyes that in the sunlight look like drops of honey, I want to drown in them. They mix well with his white t-shirt, red flannel tied around his waist and blue, washed, ripped jeans. He looks amazing, as always. He comes here everyday, and he’s the only reason I continued to. He eats the same muffin as me, everyday, I know it’s purposeful, which is why I change it daily to see what he likes. Nobody notices him like I do. Nobody notices his jawline. His amazingly sculptured nose. The way his eyebrows burrow in confusion or annoyance, but lift up when he is surprised or laughs softly at his phone. And his laugh, it’s entrancing, I could listen for hours. He looks at me a lot. I pretend not to notice, but I look at him too, he shys away. He’s beautiful, stunning. I mean, look at him. My dark black hair and blue eyes are nothing compared to him. I’m good old Average Joe while he’s Snack Jack. I sigh as I run a hand over my eyes, captivated in my thoughts of him, Ash Jones.

I smile as I kiss him, in front of them all. No longer shall I wait. My waiting is done, Ash HARLET is mine, and forever mine. I smile as I open my eyes to see two honey filled brown eyes staring up at me, two eyebrows lifted slightly as he smiles at me, his teeth shining. I cup his face with my hands as I again take him in, his black tux making his white hair stand out, my white tux making my black hair stand out. His tattoos are barely visible over the hemlines of the suit, his piercing removed to look more suitable for the wedding. I brush my thumb over his cheek as I place another kiss on his lips.

We turn around to the cheers of our families. My older brother is giving me a proud smile, my mum sobbing while my dad laughs, my little sister beaming at me and waving. I look over at Ash’s family, his Dad is holding back tears while his two little sisters are clapping over exaggeratedly. His mum on the other side with her new husband and son, she is smiling widely as the two males give him a thumbs up. I turn and scoop Ash into my arms as we walk down the pathway, towards our car. He laughs at me and for the first time that night, I’m relaxed, he’s mine, all mine.

And that’s just how it is.

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User avatar
161 Reviews

Points: 8760
Reviews: 161

Fri Jan 11, 2019 1:38 pm
Liberty500 wrote a review...

Hi CJ6233, it's your buddy, Liberty500 and I'm here for a review!

Ok let's get straight into it.

1. This is soooooo cute! I love how you made it. To me it seemed as if each paragraph was a different timeline.

2. I found "And that’s thing, he knows..." In between "that's" and "thing" there should be a "the" so it sounds more like "And that's the thing, he knows..."

3. "I smile as i open my eyes..." this is a beautiful and well-structured sentence but, the second "I" just needs to be capitalized. :D

That's all of my review!

Keep on writing!


CJ6233 says...

Thank you for the advice! I didn%u2019t actually notice those mistakes so thank you :D

Liberty500 says...

No problem!

User avatar
349 Reviews

Points: 58551
Reviews: 349

Thu Jan 10, 2019 6:16 am
EternalRain wrote a review...

Hi CJ! Let’s hop right into it!

Firstly, this is a lovely story! Cute romance where two people meet in a coffee shop = my favorite! I like how one person feels as if the other would never like him, and the other is thinking the same thing. I think that’s a pretty realistic thing that goes on, too! (I also like how they each eat the same muffin - super cute).

I’m not sure how I feel about this part:

I mean, who would even like me. I have paper white hair and poop brown eyes.

and this part:

My dark black hair and blue eyes are nothing compared to him.

And the reason why is that it adds this feeling of white hair/brown eyes and black hair/blue eyes as a negative thing?? Which I’m positive was not your intention (instead, probably to convey feelings of self-consciousness) but it comes across that way. Instead, I think replacing the physical hair/eye descriptors with another quality they don’t like about themselves would be a bit stronger.

I think the first two paragraphs build up the beautiful anticipation of “Oh my god. Are they going to talk to each other or WHAT?!” but then it jumps right to their wedding day. Which was a happy moment, but as a reader left me feeling a little disappointed because I really didn’t get to experience their journey or them meeting one another.

Anyway, I think that’s really it! This was an adorable story. I also especially liked the complete joy at the wedding (despite my disappointment, the descriptions of the happiness was spot on).

Hope this helps you out!


CJ6233 says...

Thank you so much for your advice, the reason I jumped straight to the wedding is because I tried to make it short to see how people liked it and if it was good I would try turning it into a proper story :) I wll fix the section with the hair/eye colour because my intention was that no matter what your hair colour is, even if anyone says it%u2019s beautiful you can still believe you yourself aren%u2019t. So the two characters saw themselves differently. Thank you again for your advice!

EternalRain says...

Ah I see!
Glad it helped!

User avatar
479 Reviews

Points: 4157
Reviews: 479

Thu Jan 10, 2019 4:04 am
Holysocks wrote a review...

Hey there! Care for a review?

This is a sweet story. I always love a feel-good story with a happy ending- afterall, I read to relax and, well, for the joy of it! So it's always nice when the story just is super lovely and everyone's happy in it.

And that’s thing, he knows who’s good and who’s bad.

How does he know who's good and who's bad? Does he have some sort of special powers? If so, that's something your readers need to know! And if he doesn't have powers, how else does he know? That's something the reader needs a bit of an explanation for, otherwise it seems kinda like a strange statement with nothing to back it up! If you know what I mean. :D

I have paper white hair and poop brown eyes.

This was kind of an alarming image. Not so much the poop brown, but the paper white. White hair seems pretty unique- my grandma had white hair, but she was quite old of course. I like the idea of white hair, but it just seems a little out there? I mean if he bleached his hair or something, I can see that- but he doesn't seem to like it's colour, so it wouldn't really make sense that it was something he did. Anyway, that's just my thoughts.

His hair is the colour of snow, I want to run my hands through it.

At this point I got super confused. It sounded like you were repeating everything that you'd already said. It wasn't until quite a ways into the second paragraph that I realised that the POV had switched to the other character. The way it was done though, was incredibly confusing- there was nothing to tell us that the POV had switched, or anything- until we read a lot into it, and that's not something you want your readers to have to do, because they'll get really frustrated and confused. My advice is to simply state at the beginning of each paragraph "Ash's POV" or "Jake's POV" so that we can follow what's happening a little better.

The other thing that got quite confusing, was that suddenly they were kissing- and it appears that they're just kissing in the coffee shop, though we have no idea how Jake floated across the room to Ash. And then, out of the blue, it's in the future and they're getting married?? It all happens incredibly fast and in a way that makes ones head kinda spin a bit! Mostly because there's no clear indication of what's happening, or the passing of time-- things are just happening. Something that would help this out a lot would be simply saying something like "a couple years past, and so-en-so found themselves on their wedding day" or something along those lines! Just so we have an idea of what's happening and when, so that we don't have to guess. C:

Other than that, this was a really cool story! I loved how you described Jake in the beginning- it made me remember what it's like to have a HUGE crush on someone, and be thinking about them CONSTANTLY and wanting so badly to know that they like you back as much as you like them. But man, they don't call it a crush for no reason! You did an amazing job at conveying that!

Keep it up! c:


CJ6233 says...

Thank you for your advice! The reason I didn%u2019t say any POVs is because when someone reads a love story they automatically think femxmale but I feel like how when they read the second paragraph and they think it%u2019s a repeat of the first it%u2019s only then they realise it%u2019s a gay love story. I do appreciate your opinion and will take it into consideration when I make this a bigger story. I will leave another reply soon because I have to do something lmao. Thank you so much!

"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."
— Martin Luther King Jr.