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E - Everyone

Snippet of future story

by CJ6233


It was strange, he had never done something like this before, always going on dates with people he knew PRIOR to said date. But he had finally agreed to his friends constant begging for him to 'just once PLEASE! I swear you won't regret it!?!'. So here he is, sitting in the back corner of a small cafe at 11:55 am, waiting for his date, who is 55 minutes late might he had, to show up. He had gotten his phone out at 11:57 to check the time for the 6th time that morning when he heard a shuffling of feet in front of him. Ready to tell the waitress, also for the 6th time that morning that he was still waiting for someone, he looked up. He was not prepared for what he beheld.

Standing in front of him, shifting from side to side was the most beautiful person he had ever seen, they have luscious dark hair, bright green eyes that seemed to brighten as they smiled, and that SMILE! All of this perfect humans teeth were straight and pearly, cliche but, undeniably pearly. They were wearing a leather jacket, white t-shirt, black ripped jeans and white converse. They smiled again as he finally finished taking them in.

"I'm so sorry that I'm late! The train was delayed and I messaged Liam to message you because I don't have your number but he wasn't answering. I was so scared you would have left, cos I mean I am 1 hour late, sorry for that again....." They trailed off as they looked to the floor.

He laughed and they looked up.

"It's OK, I was told you were a great person, and figured if you were, you would show up and perhaps have a great excuse, which you did, to both." He explained as the stranger sat down.

A/N: This isn't finished OR started, this is a snippet of what I'm going to make, I will take recommendations for names, gender of date and plot. Criticism is welcome because I haven't been writing for a while so I'm a bit sloppy. Any ideas of how to take this further and where to start would be nice, I was thinking high school but didn't want to be cliche, so any ideas are welcome :).


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8 Reviews


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Wed Sep 18, 2019 10:50 pm
JacyBuschman wrote a review...



Hello!

I do like this snippet, it's a quick, easy read. It's not overcomplicated and sounds "modern" like if that makes sense.

Some sentences that jumped out

"Ready to tell the waitress, also for the 6th time that morning that he was still waiting for someone, he looked up. He was not prepared for what he beheld."

The word also isn't ness. It kind of jumbles it up. Something like "For the 6th time, he was ready to tell the waitress" would be cleaner.

""I'm so sorry that I'm late! The train was delayed and I messaged Liam to message you because I don't have your number but he wasn't answering"


This is a dialogue line so I can understand when people actually speak wrong when they are flustered. " but he wasn't answering" doesn't fit well.

Punctuation is rough but definitely easy fix! Commas are overused a bit, especially here

""It's OK, I was told you were a great person, and figured if you were, you would show up and perhaps have a great excuse, which you did, to both." He explained as the stranger sat down."

While your character is waiting for this late person, describe to us what they are feeling, what they see, what the waitress is doing while screwing up the order, more world-building details. Make us connect with how it feels to be waiting for someone who is late.

I like the mysterious-ness of the gender actually not being revealed, it makes the reader curious.




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Wed Sep 18, 2019 10:42 pm
JacyBuschman says...






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Mon Sep 16, 2019 12:17 pm
Asith wrote a review...



Hello!

Since this is just a snippet, and is really just a vague sort of idea rather than a developed story, I'm going to easy with my critique. In fact, instead of the story, I'm going to focus on your writing in general.

1) Punctuation
Your punctuation is a little inconsistent :p
You say that you haven't been writing for a while, so it makes sense that you make mistakes like this but they're still worth pointing out because they distract the reader and ruin the effect of potentially good stories! Your most common mistakes are with your commas -- you put commas where you don't need them (and might need a period instead), and leave them out where you do! Commas are a little pause, and can be used to separate phrases, like in this very sentence. They're really useful, and easy to get the hang of! I recommend that you re-read your work, to see if the commas (which should induce pauses) feel natural. I'm sure you'll get it :)

Now, about the plot. It's not really the type of story I write, so I'm afraid I don't have many suggestions for you. However, one thing I'd like to mention about "where to start": its not really the setting that's important; it's the character! Start somewhere that ensures we're getting a good look at the type of person this character is. It'd go a long way :)




CJ6233 says...


Thank you so much for the help. The advice with the commas is useful not only for my story but because I am 14 years old so therefore I can use the knowledge for my exams. And regarding your idea of where to start that has helped me with an idea of what to do :)



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Mon Sep 16, 2019 11:40 am
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello FlamingPhoenix here with a review for you on this lovely night, and to help get your work out the green room, and to help you with your idea for a book!
Note: Never done this before, but I have written lots of books so I no how to get one started.

Okay now that's out let's begin.

What I thought of what you have so far.

So I really liked what you have got here so far, you have really shown us an interesting part of your book, and it has gotten me hooked. In this little part you have shown me you have already chucked me into the characters character and what they are like.
So like the main character {I'll come up with a name for him later.} I really like his personalty, I can tell he wants everything on time, and his not a fan of dating. I think he might be one of those people who gets perfect grades in school, and want's to be alone most of the time. That's what I got from him out of this story.
Now the other person, {I'll come up with a name for them later too.} I can tell they are a bubbly person, they are sweat and have kind nature. And they always want to look their best. I don't no to much about them, but I did get one thing out of this, they will try and get what they want, being that they nagged the main character to go out on a date with them.

Plot

Now a high school would be a good plot for this, but don't set your heart on it, the best way to get a good plot and idea for a story is to brain storm, right down all the ideas you have and pick the one you like the most, or like I do is you brain storm and put all our ideas together into one pig plot, or you can just put a few together.

Gender of Date

I think the date should be a girl, you kind of made them sound like a girl when they arrived.

Character names

That is always best if you come up with them being you are the one writing the story and normally the name of the character is part of their personality. But if you need help I will always be happy to help.

Where to start

Well that is always best for you to come up with, but it's always good to start with the main character, and to add some background to that character so your readers have a connection with him when you get deeper into the story.

If you want more help just let me no and we can talk over some things, but I really liked what you have here and I can't wait to see what the story is like. I loved reading and reviewing this work, and I'm glad I was one of the people to help you begin this story. I hope you will write the first chapter soon and post again on YWS soon. Have a great day or night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix
Reviewing with a fiery passion!

Image




CJ6233 says...


Thank you so much for the advice. I am going to make the character (second character) a girl as you said because I was also reading over it and they just felt like a girl to me and I have decided on the name Tate, as the name means cheerful and makes me feel like that would be her. As for the boy I was thinking Hunter because he is a rebel type who does in fact like to be alone. I was thinking that maybe the story could start in a local place, and start with Hunter, maybe him wanting to be alone. To have a contrast of a place with lots of life and joy and have someone alone, so if there aromas where colours he would be a blue man in a pink surrounding. And perhaps introduce Tate in a blue shaded place, somewhere isolated, and her be a pink shade in the mist of it all. I would probably go with the high school plot but I%u2019m not sure yet. Tell me what you think

-CJ6233





I really like that idea, I think it will work, and it will pass along their personality's really well. I think the name Hunter is a really good choice it passes along his a guy that wants to be left alone. And the name Tate really fits the girl well, and I think it's really nice that is means Cheerful, So far I think you are off to an amazing start, and this story is going to be amazing!




“All stories are true," Skarpi said. "But this one really happened, if that's what you mean.”
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind