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Until my love runs out

by CJ6233


You were my everything

I loved you more than I thought I could loveĀ 

You were there when he went

And now I lost you

Until your heart gave out

I remember that day clear as anything

I remember saying goodbye and leaving a kiss

Telling you if you leave me I'll find you and kill you

I was only joking

Until your life ran out

I remember forgetting about it as the day went on

I remember seeing a message from my mum

I remember calling her at lunch time

I remember leaving school at lunch time

Until time ran out

I remember seeing you on the couch

I remember how you were all wrapped up

I remember your beautiful body

I remember how you were cold

Until my hands gave out

I couldn't be there when they buried you

And I'm so sorry I couldn't

I remember coming the next day

I remember sitting at your grave

Until the tears ran out

I remember getting hugs

I remember people telling me it's ok

But they don't understand

I lost a part of my heart that day

And it's never coming back

But now I hear new feet

Now I have new hugs

Now I have someone there for me now your gone

Now I have someone there to help me heal

Until my heart gives out

It might seem to you I've replaced you

Given my love for you to someone else

But I love you both equally

And I always will

Until my love runs out


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31 Reviews


Points: 91
Reviews: 31

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Fri Sep 20, 2019 9:52 pm
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ToxicAnglerFish wrote a review...



Hello! I came to review your poem! First of all, I'm sorry for the loss of your cat, I can really feel that since I lost two dogs myself a few years back so I understand your pain and I sincerely hope you get better! Anyway, let's start with the review!

Something I noticed right off the bat was how the poem was structured and formatted, I really like the up to down way it's written, it feels unique and different compared to other poems I have read and I think overall it really works for this poem! Another thing I really like about this poem is the way you wrote it to be more of a story poem, kind of reminds me of Tupac raps and how they told a story without having to rhyme and I really appreciate that. I also love the strong emotional language in this that really conveys the emotions of losing a pet animal you love the most.

Anyway keep writing!




CJ6233 says...


Thank you so much! And sorry about your dogs, I had a dog too that I lost so I understand. %uD83D%uDE42



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Points: 40
Reviews: 3

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Mon Sep 16, 2019 12:41 am
erennaci wrote a review...



Hello, my fellow writer!
First of all so sorry for your loss.
As a person who is a cat and a former dog owner, I can really feel your pain and the struggle you go through.

I want to say that this poem is absolutely emotional in many ways.

"I remember people telling me it's ok

But they don't understand

I lost a part of my heart that day

And it's never coming back"
Especially this part hit me in the feels; the fact that only we ourselves can know what we feel and go through is well described here with greatly selected words.

Oh and I love the usage of "Until my 'x' runs out"; it adds into the poem great flow and meaning!

So that's all I have to say about this good, emotional poem.
Have a nice day.

-Your Friendly Neighborhood Panda




CJ6233 says...


Thank you :) Hearing that someone else felt and understood this meant a lot to me :)



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83 Reviews


Points: 8689
Reviews: 83

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Mon Sep 16, 2019 12:24 am
Daughter wrote a review...



Hello, there!! I'm @Daughter, but you can call me Arden! I've come to leave you a review.
Let's go ahead and jump right in!
(Pst! I tend not to cover every single line/detail because some stuff is just fine how it is. I really just make it my priority to help you improve and point out things that I really enjoy. Keep in mind that I'm only here to help!)

You were my everything

I loved you more than I thought I could love

Personally speaking, this beginning hit pretty close to home. I know what it's like to feel this way. I understand how deeply one person can affect you. And because of that, I immediately latched onto this piece with just about every fiber of my being. Temporarily, of course ;) . In all seriousness, you began your piece in a very compelling way, and your hook was magnificent. Well done!

And now I lost you

Until your heart gave out

This part confused me. I didn't understand what "And now I lost you" meant, exactly; perhaps you were trying to say "And now I've lost you"? that would resolve the gramatical error and also bring a bit more light as to what you were trying to say. As for "Until your heart gave out", that doesn't really fit here. Perhaps consider removing "Until"? Otherwise, I would suggest looking back and seeing if you can either remove or revise of the lines to help your work flow more efficently.

I remember that day clear as anything

I remember saying goodbye and leaving a kiss

I had just a slight perception issue here that I thought I should point out--You write that "[you] remember that day clear as anything", however, I can't really say that I truly took the line into account. I understood what you were getting at, but maybe try "I remember that day, clear as [relevant metaphor]". I think it would have settled my eye a little better.

I was only joking

Until your life ran out

I would suggest replacing "Until" with "And then". Until does technically make sense here, but it's a bit confusing.

Until my hands gave out

Bringing this in was a nice change, but I was a bit thrown off. Though I like the line itself, I didn't quite understand where it fit in. Maybe elaborate on that a bit more?

But they don't understand

Try replacing "don't" with "didn't". That would fit much better here.

Now I have someone there for me now your gone

A couple of things: You had a minor grammar slipup, which is perfectly normal and can be easily fixed. Remember that "your" means "belonging to [you]" and "you're" is a shortened version of "you are". "You're" would be the correct usage here.
I suggest tweaking this line a bit, because it's pretty chunky. Here's a revised version:
Now I have someone there for me, now that you're gone


It might seem to you I've replaced you

Given my love for you to someone else

But I love you both equally

And I always will

Consider sneaking "that" right here:
you [that] I've replaced you

Also, when you say that "I love you both equally", it implies that the character is still refering to the deceased as if they are living, which is innacurate. If that was the intended, feel free to ignore that; but if not, maybe look back at it and see what you might change.

Overall, excellent work! The feel of this piece woke resilience in my heart, and for that, I thank you. Keep writing!

Arden




CJ6233 says...


I did the 'until' parts because in my mind they were different statements and when I drafted this I made that clear but when I posted it I'm guessing it got rid of that, but I will take your advice, and I will change the 'don't' to 'didn't'. Didn't notice that spelling error there so thank you. And as for the end I had it that when I say 'I love you both equally' it means I still love them because I do and I feel like to me he'll always be with me so he's still alive in my heart.
Anyways thank you :)



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223 Reviews


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Reviews: 223

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Sun Sep 15, 2019 11:00 pm
Horisun wrote a review...



This poem is beautiful. It flows flawlessly, and you've managed to capture so many feelings into so few words. I can tell just by reading this that they were important to you. I'm sorry for your loss.

On the technical side of this poem, I didn't see much to point out. There weren't many grammar errors or spelling mistakes I could see, so thumbs up on that!

One thing I think should be mentioned, is that at the start, I thought for a moment they were already gone, so it might do the poem some good if you clarify that a bit.

Other than that, this was a wonderful poem, and it really gave me the feels. I hope you have a good day, and that you keep on writing!




CJ6233 says...


thank you so much, this was just me letting my feelings out and I'm glad you liked it, as for the part were at the beginning i was going back, because i was stating he has left me and I remember, but thank you none the less :)




You know what the big problem is in telling fantasy and reality apart? They're both ridiculous.
— The 12th Doctor