Wet soil
- run home
- you’re a tearless mess -
the heavy rain will overcome you,
water you down,
until you’re only edges of what you were
go be alone,
soggy; swampy
just be who you are
stepped on; wiped off
meant to be a loner.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
Hey there! Like dogs, I also came from your last poem, so I'll probably carry a bit of bias with me in reviewing this one as well.
That being said, I actually think that I liked this one more than the other. I disagree with dogs in the belief that this one has less of a metaphor/image behind it; I actually got more emotion from this one, personally. I can kind of see the story - in vague, flitting images - a downtrodden and depressive person who the narrator is finally done putting up with. Yet I feel as though there's a bit of regret in letting this person go, too. Then again, I'm probably drawing too much from my own background, as I'm sure you have a story of your own to which this is related.
In any case, yes, your vocabulary is a little dry and fails to evoke a lot, but it does have something pleasant about it in a modest, subtle way. I do agree with dogs in that you should expand on this further, but I liked the idea yet again.
Keep writing, and best wishes. xxx
Hello there Boo! Dogs here again with your review
. I enjoy reviewing your work, it's short sweet and too the point. Anywho, back on topic. So I'm comparing this to your last piece that I read, "society." Which I enjoyed greatly. This piece, however, is good and still has the same writing style that you use, except it's missing the huge metaphor that you were knocking at in your last poem. So without that great metaphor to base your poem around, it doesn't really have a point. I read this, and it just seems like someone runs home in the rain and feels disowned and a loner. Now if you choose to write a poem with that theme of just describing a moment, you'll have to switch your writing style to something that provides more imagery.
For example, describe the mud getting kicked up by disowned feet, the rain pattering on your character's face. Describe the scenery if you must, but in this style of poem you have to rely heavily on imagery, otherwise the poem will lose its effect.
And again, same issue that I touched on in my last review, you use mostly boring and overused words that could easily be replaced by more descriptive and exciting words. Thesaurus time!
I hope my review helped, good idea for a poem but needs a little bit of tinkering. Let me know if you ever need a review, keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh