Hi again Boo. Lavvi in to review as requested.
I thought you had a really awesome thing going on here.
A) Grammatically correct slang. That's a bit of an oxymoron, but it is true. Your issue was your lazy "because". Hey, I'm not saying it's bad but if you insist on using its shortened form ("'cause"), you need to add the apostrophe before the "c". This is to indicate that it's the short form of "because". If you do not add this very important apostrophe, the meaning of the intended word comes out wrong. Without the apostrophe, "cause" possesses a totally different meaning. And I don't think that meaning is the one you wanted.
B) Punctuation within parentheses. You did well in punctuating the lines that were not in brackets, but with them, it felt like half the poem was floating and the other wasn't. All you really need to do is insert periods at the end of each line. However, this can get obnoxious and the poem will then tend to feel a bit choppy. Just go with the flow: I'm sure you don't need me to walk you through this one
Yours,
Lavvi
Points: 18486
Reviews: 522
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