You call me a lesbian.
(cause I don't act like a whore)
You call me a tramp.
(cause I wear fishnets)
You call me emo.
(cause I wear gloves)
You call me shallow.
(cause I see who you really are)
You, can call me anything you want.
(cause I know )
You wish you had the balls.
(to be like me)
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139,534 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Hi again Boo. Lavvi in to review as requested.
I thought you had a really awesome thing going on here.
A) Grammatically correct slang. That's a bit of an oxymoron, but it is true. Your issue was your lazy "because". Hey, I'm not saying it's bad but if you insist on using its shortened form ("'cause"), you need to add the apostrophe before the "c". This is to indicate that it's the short form of "because". If you do not add this very important apostrophe, the meaning of the intended word comes out wrong. Without the apostrophe, "cause" possesses a totally different meaning. And I don't think that meaning is the one you wanted.
B) Punctuation within parentheses. You did well in punctuating the lines that were not in brackets, but with them, it felt like half the poem was floating and the other wasn't. All you really need to do is insert periods at the end of each line. However, this can get obnoxious and the poem will then tend to feel a bit choppy. Just go with the flow: I'm sure you don't need me to walk you through this one
Yours,
Lavvi
Nice, very nice. The narrator's voice ring through very clearly. It's like I can almost feel their personality. And that's good.
Although, this could just be me, I feel as though this part of the poem is a bit... strange. It could be something to do with the brackets. Because in the previous use of brackets, it always have something to counter the line above without the brackets. But here, the pattern sort of... breaks. Which confused me a bit. I think that maybe you need to reword it a bit. Or just take out the last set of brackets.
Also, the comma after the 'you' isn't needed.
Besides that, I can't really say much besides it's good and I'm sure people can relate to it. I also love the narrator's voice, they seem so... real. Good job on the poem!
I love how this shows how shallow society is today. Everyone's so negative and can't just be pleasant to one another. I loved this poem. Wonderful job.
Rather pissed aren't we? Haha, well this is the poem of the decade, what's on everybody's minds know when you think about it. I'm pleased that you kept the pattern but I believe in the line:
First and foremost, the comma shouldn't be there. Second, "cause" isn't proper grammar, however putting an apostrophe in front of it will make that mistake fixed without changing the poem. I would keep the statement pattern and rephrase it as
"You call me anything you want
('cause it won't hurt me.)"
Also, there needs to be a period in the last line and the periods in the lines without the parentheses around them don't need to be there because you haven't finished the statement yet, or you need to turn the parenthesis into a statement.
And finally, a personal matter to attend to. If they call you a lesbian, punch them in the face and say it's from me. Thank you and have a nice day.
-Nana
I can say that a lot of people would agree and I can say I can also! I liked it, but I have a few pointers or..questions: I see how this could be a poem, but I'm not feeling the flow of a poem. I can read a little emotion of anger and quiet, but I think that you could add in a little more with more words (and that would help with the poem making part). What I REALLY liked was how you, in a way had 2 people talking, secretly arguing back in the ( )'s. I still believe that you could put a little more emotion into this.
Keep writing because you have potential!
Hah. I can relate. I like this
Keep writing
xoxo,
Kiicoh.