8 MINERVA
Christian whirled around and saw her standing amongst the roses with an earthenware pitcher on the ground beside her and a slingshot in her hand. She had fair skin and dark hair that curled about her face in the style of a Roman statue or painting; in fact, he thought, she was reminiscent of such art in every way: the straightness of her nose, the elegant curve of her neck and her plump arms. Even as he watched, she hid the slingshot back in the folds of the white tunic she wore. Her movements were as slow and graceful as those of the figures he’d seen through the trees before.
“Who are you?” she asked again. “What are you doing in my garden?”
Christian felt the blood rise in his cheeks as she gazed at him. He had never beheld such a lovely, calm creature, but he wished she had not come upon him now, when the task at hand was so important.
“Forgive me,” he stammered at last. “I didn’t know it was anybody’s garden.”
She considered him.
“Every night I water the roses,” she said. He waited, but she said nothing more. She just looked at him, her dark eyes running over his features as if she had never seen a man before and was curious. She did not look away when he caught her eye; she seemed to feel no embarrassment at all, which was just as well since Christian felt enough for both of them.
“Is that yours?” She pointed at something on the ground. It was his copy of The Hobbit; it had fallen out of his pocket in the attack.
“Oh—yes,” he said. “Thank you.”
He picked it up and thumbed through it, avoiding her gaze. He needed to find the comfrey and calen—what was it? Calendula?—but he was embarrassed to search through the plants with her watching him, and he felt it would be rude to ask her to leave.
“Who are you?” she asked again. Christian was reminded of The Little Prince; he felt that, like its titular character, she would never let go of any question she asked until it had been answered.
“Nobody,” he said. “I’m nobody. Just an accountant.”
She traced her mouth with a finger. “But you have a name, don’t you?”
“Oh,” Christian said. “Yes. I do, yes. Christian Abernathy. I—what’s yours?”
She smiled for the first time and said, “Minerva.”
“Minerva,” he repeated. It was a pleasant name, three syllables that tasted in his mouth the way the thousands of roses smelled around him.
She took up her pitcher and turned away, and he felt a sense of panic at the thought of being left alone again to find the herbs he needed. What if he couldn’t see them amongst the confusion of the herb garden? What if he got lost on his way back to the Fairgrounds? What if Conrad died before he got there?
“Wait,” he said. She turned back to him. “Please—please. I need comfrey leaves and calen—marigold petals. Or—perhaps it was comfrey petals and marigold leaves.”
He held up the basket the Rover woman had given him as if that would explain it. Minerva frowned and said, “Are you wounded?”
“No, I—Conrad is wounded. My friend. He’s had his leg torn open by this—like a dog, but just—massive. The size of a horse—”
Her frown deepened, and she said to herself, “Hellhound!”
“Yes—that’s what he said. How did you—?”
She slipped through the rose bushes and into the herb garden. The golden bangles on her wrists clinked together as her hands moved through the tangle of leaves and flowers. Christian put his book back in his pocket and helped her look, though his knowledge of the plants he needed came primarily from his vast collection of field guides.
Minerva discovered the comfrey first and stripped it of its leaves. Christian found the marigolds and winced as he twisted the flowers off their stems with difficulty.
“Sorry,” he muttered as green juice bled onto his fingers. “Oh, dear, I am sorry.”
“Are you apologizing to the marigolds?” Minerva asked.
Despite himself, he turned red.
“Yes,” he said, but she did not stop to stare at him strangely, nor did she say any more about it. He continued tugging at the flowers in scarlet-faced silence, but she gave him a thoughtful look and went on denuding the comfrey of its leaves.
After a moment she said, “You have to pinch them. Like this, watch—” and she showed him how to properly pick a flower, plucking a marigold deftly from its stem. She placed it in his basket.
“Then it won’t hurt,” she said.
“Oh,” said Christian. “Thank you.”
When his basket was full they stood up, dusting dirt from their clothing, and Minerva took up her pitcher again.
“Would you mind,” Christian asked hesitantly, “would you mind—I’m not quite sure of the way back, you see.”
Minerva studied him for a moment with her head cocked like a bird’s, but then she said, “I’d be happy to accompany you.”
She questioned him non-stop as they walked back through the roses, though half the time her mind seemed elsewhere when he answered. She was most curious about his reading, perhaps because she had seen his copy of The Hobbit on the ground. He was shocked to learn, however, that she was completely unfamiliar with it.
“It’s immensely famous,” he said. “You’ve truly never heard of it?”
Minerva gave a small smile at his indignation. “Truly, no.”
When they reached the maze, it became apparent that her questions had been more to keep his mind off of Conrad’s injury than out of sheer curiosity. She stopped just before the hedges, her brow wrinkled in concern.
“What’s wrong?” Christian asked.
“I’m sorry to make you speak of it, after what your friend has gone through” she said in a low voice, “but I must know—have the hellhounds breached the wall?”
The accountant blinked at her.
“I don’t—sorry—what?”
Her fingers wrapped around his wrist and her dark eyes widened with the urgency of her questions. “The hellhounds. Are they here—have they breached the wall—can they get into the park?”
A shiver ran down Christian’s spine, but he heartened a little at the thought of how the hellhounds pursuing him and Conrad earlier that night had been forced to turn away at the park gate.
“No,” he said. “That’s why we came here. Conrad said it was safe.”
The wrinkle in her forehead smoothed; her grip relaxed on his wrist.
“Good,” she said. “Then there’s nothing to worry about.”
Well, Christian thought, that wasn’t quite true. The fact that beasts such as hellhounds existed was alarming enough in itself—and there was still the balloon-artist’s leg. He grasped his basket of leaves and flowers tighter at the thought. Minerva noticed and said, “I’m sure he’ll be alright, your friend.”
Christian nodded, but he didn’t trust himself to speak; he wasn’t sure of that at all. Minerva released his wrist. Without her fingers there, he felt cold.
“Thank you for everything,” he said. He hurried into the maze, looking back only once to see her making her slow, graceful way back to the rose beds with her pitcher balanced on one shoulder.
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All these dashes in a chapter! They can get a bit too repetitive though, and I felt a bit annoyed with them. It was understandable when Christian is talking because he is stumbling over his words and all. But I'd rather Minerva didn't use them as well, because then it gets a bit much. I know you're trying to show her nervousness but I think you did a good enough job of that through her actions...
Timmy here, for another review!
Sometimes I feel as though I am not helping you much, and that when I point out nitpicks, they are merely stylistic nitpicks. No grammar or punctuation flaws as much as I can see. I mean, I am not a grammar Nazi, but to me, everything that I have ever seen of your writing has always been perfect. Never a spot to critique that way. So what does it leave me with? Little nitpicks on style, things that could easily be overlooked, and most people would. But...
I liked this chapter a ton. There is a lot of character development on Christian's part in it, and a new character introduced. Using my vision into the future, I think I can foresee something happening awfully soon... Perhaps a romance? Hmmm? Like maybe these two are going to get together in the end? That would just be totally amazing. They just... I dunno. They just seem to fit so well together, and I am only in the first chapter with them. Of course, Christian, like usual, was his normal awkward self when talking to people. You know, sometimes he just seems like me. With his, er and umms. But especially his “I don’t—sorry—what?” Sometimes he is really out of it. xD
Feel free to ignore me here, because I seem to be the only one who has a problem with it so far, but "plump" as a description of the arm made me think of fat. And the rest of the description doesn't fit that visual. Maybe slender or something? I dunno. Plump didn't seem like the right word.
Well, these two sentences just seem a little contradictory, that is all. And there wasn't a period of doubt, either. He just thought the first, did some chatting with her, and then thought the second--without having a decision flip around.
Not completely sure about this, but shouldn't there be a comma after "through"?
Allll done with nitpicks! I gotta tell you that it is such a nice feeling to write a review, and only have these small nitpicks to talk about. Opposing sentences and awkward descriptions are so small, so insignificant, that I can focus on the story more than the nitpicks and critique. Positive instead of negative, and that is always so much more fun.
I have to say, Minerva sounds like more than just an interesting character. With this short chapter, you have already given her layers of personality, and her character just goes deep. I love her reaction to the Hobbit, and how she reacts to his awkwardness. Its like she can't see it at all, and just pushes past it.
Onto the next chapter!
~Darth Timmyjake
Thanks muchos, good sir. I actually used "plump" because, so she looks like a Roman-style statue, right? And while the women of Roman art are usually not exactly fat, they're not rail-thin, either. Like they've got some meat to them, like an average woman, you know? So that's what I was trying to get across, but maybe I need to figure out a word other than "plump."
Hey there, Africa! Back at long last for some more reviewing~
Page Twelve
Here is when I try really hard to suppress a groan. xD
It's a bit early to say, but I can feel the romance between Minerva and Christian toeing the line of cliche. Isn't it about time we set aside the love-at-first-glance thing? I think it's all right and good for Christian to become smitten with Minerva, to have a big ol' crush on the first pretty girl to show interest in him in who knows how long, just make sure to keep it real and give their relationship something substantial to stand on (if they end up going that way, of course).
This bit struck me as majorly odd. Why wouldn't Christian tell Liza about what happened in the park to Conrad? Why wasn't she the first person he called once he got out of the park? If he really did think it was a dream, why didn't he try calling Conrad to see if he picked up just to be sure? Does Liza not know about the park? Why not? Why wouldn't Conrad tell her, his wife, if he told Christian? If Liza knows, wouldn't she be able to help better than Christian who knows nothing about the park? Wouldn't Christian at least let her know that her husband was injured, but recovering? Wouldn't he at least want to?
Basically, I see no reason for Christian not to tell Liza about Conrad being in the park. If there's a good reason it needs to be stated here.
Page Thirteen
Okay, this. I love this. I think that this is the very basic essence of who Christian is as a character. He's very Bilbo-esque, very content in his own life and reluctant (if not afraid) to branch out into the unknown. This is what I think you should focus on when creating this character, but I think there are a lot of places where Christian acts in ways that are not reflective of this type of person.
See, I'm not convinced he's worried about Conrad at all. If he were truly concerned, he would have told Liza about it. If there was some reason Liza couldn't know about it, he would have at least stayed with Conrad in the park (is there a reason Christian couldn't say? There might have been one mentioned, it's been a while since I reviewed the last chapter).
Christian wants to see Minerva again, and Conrad's situation is not strong enough (or clearly important enough to Christian) to make me believe any otherwise. And that kind of makes Christian come off as a poor friend, and gives the story an uncomfortable lean toward a typical love story. This story has so much more potential and imagination than that.
Overall, another nice few chapters. I'm still a little confused about why Conrad would go for Christian, rather than Liza, for help in whatever is going on here. He clearly knows Liza better than Christian, and Liza has to be more of an asset than Christian in any situation. But I'm hoping the next chapter will answer a lot of those questions for me! I really feel like Christian is getting into his own as a character, which is great! Next draft I would concentrate on making that happen well before chapter thirteen, but so it goes with first drafts, right?
Keep writing!
-Lauren-
Well, simple answer as to why Conrad doesn't go to Liza is that he's injured at the time and his and Liza's home is farther away from the park than Christian's. Liza does not know about the park and all of that.
Good to know!
Hullo!
I had a good feeling about this story, ever since the first chapter, and if you ever intend to publish this it's definitely going on my bookshelf. <3
The character development in this chapter is spiffing. Spiffingly spiffing, in fact. While some may argue that Christian's, erm, indecisiveness is unnecessary, I think it just adds depth to his character. We're really getting to know him better, and that's always great!
Spoiler
So, when I read this, I back-tracked immediately to the first chapter. And I'm all: "Oh, so that's what happened to his mother!" But I was kind of annoyed at how you drop this snide hint if his past and then don't continue it. Maybe it's just me and my love for detail, but it was a kind of sudden pronouncement. His mother is dead. Yikes. It just ... hit hard? Like, we've assumed that neither of his parents are alive, and Conrad is obviously enough of a family to him, but it just makes me wonder about the family. Maybe I'm looking too deep into this and you'll tell us more as we move on with the story, but I thought I'd still mention this here.
You have a knack for getting the chapter endings just right. It's old-fashioned yet contemporary at the same time. Nice. One thing I did notice nearing the end was:
This is the most absurd of nit-picks, and it probably doesn't matter anyway, but you've used a double hyphen, followed by a dash. It just sticks out, is all, and looks a mite inconsistent. But nothing to worry about.
Hakuna Matata!
~Pompadour
Spoiler
Huh, all the double-hyphens should've turned into dashes...and in my MS Word document it is a dash. Curiouser and curiouser.
Messenger back after a short break from your wonderful story! So let's get back to business for the Scarlet Swords
.First time I've ever heard that word but apparently it exists! O_O Does humansong exist? Nah I guess not
I liked this part a lot. It really makes Christian seem more human. He doesn't just hop over and viol la, he's in the park. At the same tine he seems a little bit like a loser in my opinion. I mean he jumps off the wall like a fraidy cat. It's only ten feet man!
Anyway, besides that I didn't really see any other problems except that Conrad seems a little bit too healed for only one night. I mean besides the fact that he hurts when he coughs it doesn't feel very realistic. Maybe you could work on that?
I did enjoy the ending quite a lot. You really know how to surprise people and make huge cliffhangers at every turn! Where am I supposed to put this book down (figuratively o course) when you never give a moments rest?
Oh, I almost forgot! Even though Christian was pretty sure the Fair wasn't a dream, when he comes through the trees again I think you could make him a little less sure it is going to be there. The way it read it kind of felt like he just walked in like he goes to the Fair all thhe time. That's all!
~Messenger
Pipididi it's me! (again
)
I'm sure Liza's going out of her mind with worry about the fact her husband hadn't come home last night. Even though Christian didn't want to mention the park, couldn't he have made something up just to reassure her? The poor lady! And Conrad doesn't seem that bothered about Liza probably worrying about him either...
I rather like this story! :3
What an interesting chapter. In everything he does I feel like we get to know a bit more of Christian's character. Now we know he likes to always choose the safe side, but if he really wants something he'll go and do it, or get it. Like taking so many tries to climb the wall but doing it regardless in the end.
I thought it was a bit sad
I am looking forwards to getting an explanation in the next chapter though. Hehe
Deanie x
I'm here! Just like I promised I would be. I'm gonna attempt to catch up now. <3
Consider adding in the bolded?
Okay, wow. This is getting better and better~
I must admit, I am disappointed with Christian. I wanted him to be gay! ;_; I like Minerva, I like her character and personality and the way you describe her, and I like her and Christian becoming a couple, but at the same time, I am disappointed! I suppose I came into this story already assuming that the two men introduced, Conrad and Christian, would be the gay couple you spoke of, so my automatic reaction was to ship them. But you mentioned Conrad's wife and my hopes fell, but still, I hoped Christian would be gay... WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME?
Ahem.
I was pleased with the beginning of chapter 13, with the conflict Christian had with going over the wall. You kept him in character!
Hey there! How are you? Purple here to give you a review! Also, happy review day! Let's get started.
This is awfully interesting and I feel compelled to read a lot more chapters of this book now even if I was still working on grasping onto the subject. A few things I would edit.
"It must have been a dream: the horse-sized dog pounding down the street, Conrad’s injured leg, the crow snatching at his hair, the guard glaring at him as he stammered an explanation for his presence in a park that should have emptied out at sunset." Wow an intriguing sentence, but a bit too long. You actually don't need a colon after the first statement, and I would suggest sticking with a period. Also with "He couldn’t, he decided, but he realized Liza was talking again and hastened to listen." I would change that to something clearer to the reader. I had to look over that one line multiple times. Maybe edit that to "He decided he couldn't tell her the truth. He realized Liza was talking again and hastened to listen."
There's another one that's a bit of a run on "There was a horrible stomach-turning fall, but it lasted only a fraction of a second, and then he had landed—somewhat painfully, on his side and the arm he’d thrown out to catch himself—but there he was, nonetheless." I would change it to something like "There was a horrible stomach-turning fall, but it lasted only a fraction of a second. He had landed, painfully, on his side on the arm he'd thrown out to catch himself." Just be careful not to drag on multiple sentences into one and you're good to go! This is a really interesting idea and I'm looking forward to more great things by you.
~Purple
Flame here! Happy Review Day!
? I didn't catch any redundancy, nor details that contributed nothing. You also have this knack for catching my attention, gluing my eyes to the screen, even when the characters are stationary, their emotions stable.
I'll admit, I don't know what to say about this. Everything was paced well, worded well, the descriptions well-executed. As in, they didn't dominate; they left room open for interpretation, but they were elaborate enough to paint a picture, establish an impression. The flow was beautiful--the raw, natural sort of beauty that accompanies successful fusion of action, narration, and dialogue, and a well-maintained balance of active and passive voice. I just seem to like the word "well" today, don't I
If the colon's in the middle of two independent clauses, clauses that can function as sentences, it should be changed to a semicolon.
Should technically be "lied" ("lay" is used as in "she lay down a hand"), but this mistake's echoed in so many published works, it's not necessary to fix.
I think this'd function better as "no one but the accounting firm and Conrad ever called him."
I think this could be worded a little differently...
That's all I have. I'd suggest that the ending be cut off differently, as it felt a little abrupt, but it doesn't seem as though this is broken down into chapters. Keep up the good work! Looking forward to more!
Thanks for the review! I incorporated most of your changes, but actually the past tense of "lie" (meaning "lie down") is, in fact, "lay" ("laid" is past participle, as in "he had laid down in bed")--"lied" is past tense of "lie" (meaning "to tell a lie"). The past tense of "lay" (meaning "lay an object down") is actually "laid" (as in "he laid the book down on the desk"). I know this mistake is common, so I made sure to read an article on the various tenses! It can get confusing, but luckily there are some nice resources out there for this sort of thing.
But I did take your other suggestions into consideration. Thanks again for your kind comments!
Thanks! That makes a bit more sense. I've heard so many people say so many different things; it does get confusing
. Oh, and no problem!