She had
A swirling liquid soul,
Filled with hopes and words and carefully concealed insecurities
Old eyes the color of new things,
Burning with feverish excitement.
An exterior radiant enough
to make us avert our eyes
So as not to see her silhouette.
And in her mind, always a challenge:
How bright can stars burn before they die?
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Canary word: Present
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137,563 Literary Works • 672,044 Reviews
I thought this was really nice. I'm not the biggest fan of poetry in general, but you have a way with words, Bella.
Your language is beautiful in this piece. I quite enjoy your descriptions. "A swirling liquid soul" UGH I can just feel it. Very nice job.
Although, I don't really like the fact that you ended with a question. I don't really know why, I guess it just doesn't wrap it up enough for me. Aside from that, I thought it was great, and I'd like you to post more poetry!
Alex Out!
Hello fellow Fountain Pen. I'm currently looking for relatively old poems for last-minute reviewing. EIGHT MINUTES!
Whoa. This is pretty deep, even for poetry. Poetry isn't exactly my forte, so I stared at this for a few minutes to grasp the meaning of this. Here's my guess.
A troubled girl covers up her pain.
Is that right?
I'm running out of time.
Why did I pick such a good poem to review. There's nothing wrong with it!
"And in her mind, always a challenge:"
This sounded uncomfortable. You should probably change the word "challenge" to something like question.
I can't find anything to critique, so I'll just tell you what I liked.
"A swirling liquid soul" sounded very good.
AH OUT OF TIME!
I finished at 7:59. Gotta admit, that's pretty cool.
I feel bad for not really finishing, so I'll finish this as a comment.
I found some things that are somewhat critique-able.
"Old eyes the color of new things"
As wonderfully poetic as this sounds, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Again, poetry isn't really my forte, so perhaps I'm missing something, but I didn't understand that.
"Covering up the hidden pain"
Was the word "hidden" really necessary? When you cover something up that implies that it's hidden.
"An exterior radiant enough to make us avert our eyes"
I think you should change "us." That makes it seem like the poem is being narrated by a person, but the rest of your piece says otherwise. This girl's pain is hidden, so how would another person know about it?
Hope that helped!
Dominusatramentum
Hi Bellator, Dream with quick review on your poem.
Very interesting poem to read but honestly I'm kinda confuse with 'her'. You makes me wonder who actually 'her' is refer to? You talk about Her who have " A swirling liquid soul
Filled with hopes and words and carefully concealed insecurities". I agree with Messenger here, your poem need punctuation.
The imagery is quiet nice.
~Sight- A swirling liquid soul, color of new things, Burning with feverish excitement.
1.Figurative language.
~Metaphor-A swirling liquid, feverish excitement.
The theme is not so clear/not centered with ironic and mixed tone of voice. The improvement on diction will help the reader to understand the poem. Also maybe because you use the element of bombastic, it causes confusion.
Overall, I really hope you can explain who is actually 'her' refer too? I really like the last two lines. That was very breathtaking! Keep it up
Kudos,cheers.
The Messenger Knight here to review for KotGR.
No, no no . . .!!!! Can't take it. OK, so *Recomposes*
So, no punctuation?
This is actually a quite nice poem, but you must have punctuation. I think I stressed that enough. I think for your first two lines, that they should be combined into one. Just having "She had" and then a long line underneath throws me off.
I hope this review helps.
Keep it up!!
Oooh,beauty as i anticipated.It really is a beautiful work.But("But" is a neccessity in life),with a rather obstrutive enjambment,the work looks rather archaic,but also its beautiful and yes,the commas would help alot.If I wrote this poem,I'd be very proud of my wits(an not usually jealous,but for this,i'll make an exception)...Alas!!,almost perfect.....a lame title i'd appreciate.
I think this is a very interesting, dramatic and overall great poem! I especially liked the last line and line 6; I thought they really made it seem so dramatic! The only thing to improve is commas at the end of every line instead of nothing at all.
Overall I thought that this was a very emotive, dramatic and really painted a detailed picture in my mind!
Add the commas and this will be absolutely perfect!
Thanks for the feedback! I'll keep that in mind in the future.