Please, good sir, excuse me,
I didn’t see you there.
I just paused to rest a minute,
While climbing up this stair.
I’m sorry we collided,
I’ll inform you of the cause,
My atoms, sir, are tired,
My parts all need a pause.
My particles have been around
Since when it all began,
They’re very, very old, sir,
So I rest them when I can.
They’ve whizzed ‘round stars and planets,
They’re old as old can be,
They’ve traveled millions of miles,
To be a part of me.
So I apologize, sir,
If I’ve cause you any woe,
I’m just an atom pit-stop,
They’ve got light-years still to go.
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Canary word: Present
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128,431 Literary Works • 671,489 Reviews
Fantasydragon01 in the house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am here to review poetry. (I LOVE poetry).
First off, you did a fantastic job here. I read this to myself. It flows, it rhymes, it contains rhythm from beginning to end. I love your idea. I think that is very creative. I love the first 4 lines. It just makes sense: we have some sort of DNA ladder. (I learned this in science).
I found no mistakes whatsoever.
Since I love poetry, as I have said before, I want to write them. But I am kind of struggling with writing poetry. They are very rough. I want to ask you how do you make a poem flow smoothly? How do you keep the same rhythm from beginning to end? I want to write good poetry, but it is just difficult. Please give me some tips. I would really appreciate that.
Very truly yours,
fantasydragon01.
Thanks for the review!
The way I keep my rhythm is by thinking of the general gist of what I want to say in each line, and then figuring out how to say it within a set number of syllables. Sometimes, when I need rhyming words, I'll think of a word that rhymes with my first line and then construct the rest of the sentence around it. My advice would be don't be afraid to change what you're saying a bit in order to fit the flow. One of the reasons I like writing with a rhythm and rhyme scheme is because it gives me an idea of where I can go next.
Hope this helps!
Thanks.
This is one of your poems that I want tattooed on the inside of my eyelids.
In related news, Alanna continues to get even more creepy and over-supportive.
Oh and congrats on getting second in the literary spotlight like three hours after you posted this.
this is really good! it doesn't seem to have a genre, but it kept my interest until the end with the pleasant rhyme scheme and overall light mood. it gives a complicated topic ( the universe and stars, etc. ) that isn't for people who like huge mysterious that are coincidentally real or those prone to over thinking and panic attacks ( like me-- i don't want to be sucked into a black hole or fly into the sun or something ahhh ) a bouncy, cheerful feel that doesn't force one to bow down to the enormity of atoms and science and outer space. surprisingly, i don't have any nitpicks to address. this probably doesn't help, but i had to comment something.
Thank you!