hi i'll help this out of the green room for you
My hands are shaking
And I’m not sure why
honestly what a mood.
also i love this as an introduction to the poem. it's very sudden, but i feel like that goes well with the whole theme of it. the feeling of shakiness mixed with the not very subtle jump into a complex topic is just so good. the lack of control and understanding of the situation mixed with the quick pacing and the "i'm not sure why" is just mwah mwah.
I feel cracks dividing
Me into so many pieces
And I’ll try to hold
Everything together
But I keep dropping
Little bits of myself
And I’m not sure
How to fix it
i usually don't comment on style that much when i review because it's always on the poet and how they feel, but i think that the heavy enjambment here is both really beneficial to what you are saying and really confusing to the eyes. it works both for you and against you in this poem due to how it is very enjambed and cut up.
i love how some parts are broken apart to show how the narrator is breaking themselves into pieces because it works for the poem and it works for how you wrote it. there's nothing for me to complain about there. although, it is very hard to read because it is separated in a manner that is reminiscent of every other word. that makes it harder to focus on the parts that shine because it's harder to concentrate on the poem.
one way i'd organize it would be this~
I feel cracks dividing me into so many pieces
and I’ll try to hold everything
together but I keep
dropping little bits of myself
and I’m not sure how to fix it.
as you can see, i took out the capitalizations every line because i personally think it runs smoother that way than it does the way you had it. this is just something i do because i find it to be preferable, but you can do whatever you want with caps.
i also formatted it in a wave like manner if you can tell. it starts out very long and each line gets shorter until it hits the middle, and then it starts to get longer and longer again. i believe that creates the broken up effect without actually having each line be too broken up enough for it to impact how the general poem is seen by readers.
It won’t be long until
I fall apart
i love how you ended this. it is straight to the point without shying away from the original theme you made and/or backtracking any. wonderful poem.
happy writing!
- tweezers
Points: 85
Reviews: 218
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