How do I even begin to tell you?
Are there even the words I need?
Because you look at yourself as a mess;
You see a tired face,
And hair dyed one too many times
But my god, your eyes!
You really don't like them.
You always say that you wish they were true brown,
But they're not, not even close.
They're so dark they're almost black,
They're deep and sexy, and when I look into them,
I feel like I'm getting lost in the universe,
Because when you look back at me,
There are stars in your eyes.
I love lying there with you wrapped in my arms,
Clothed in your Beartooth croptop
While we watch Disney movies and you sing every song.
I love the moment when you realize that I'm admiring you,
And your blush deepens from one to ten in the space of seconds.
I even miss the distraction that comes from being around you.
And it amuses me to no end that every time I answer the phone,
You start kissing my neck and flustering me like crazy.
There are certain sounds that are acceptable to make while calling your father-
The ones that threaten to spill from my throat definitely don't make the list!
You came into my life and stole my heart so quickly,
It's never been this intense before.
And honestly? It's terrifying
But I love you to no end,
So do what you want with me, I'm yours.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Well it's nice, I think a little rhyme would've made it better.
Hey there!
Soooo, romance not my cup of tea so I'm not sure of what I'll be saying.
BUT the love is true! I mean, to accept the significant other what they think is a flaw but to you is a perfection.
Mr.Jellybean is the title. But I see the poem has no indication of anything to do with Jellybeans.
Mr.Dark-eyes would make more sense. But the title sounds so bland.
But, it's a freestyle poem with no rhymes.But it's astonishing that it can be read so smoothly.
Keep up the good work!
Im not really good at poems but I can tell you the many things that I understand and the reason why this is a good poem.(Even if love poems are not your strong suit) First off all it flows pretty well and it is easy to understand. Many people can relate. It tells of a person who thinks of themselves lower than what is true but to the person that loves them how they look, how they act and how they are is what makes them just want to love them more. Love a difficult path and not everyone can find love on the first try or feel like they're not worth the amount of love that they receive from he other person. The way that you wrote this poem allows want people to relate and feel good about themselves. So keep writing! Bye~
Hello AutoPilot! Welcome to YWS! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!
How do I even begin to tell you{?}
Give me your soul.With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!
Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough= removeUnderline = krazy Kara komments.
Spoiler
Are there even the words I need? {probably not}
Because you look at yourself as a mess{;}
You see tired eyes{,} {same}
And hair dyed one too many times {same}
But
ohmy god{,} your eyes {--}{earlier you mentioned eyes...? have something else instead "you see tired eyes" put something else above.}You really don't like them{.}
You always say that you wish they were true brown{,}
{Even they're not
They're so dark they're almost black {CHILD MINE ARE THE SAME}
They're deep and sexy and[b]{,} when I look into them{,}
I feel like I'm getting lost in the universe{,}
Because when you look back at me{,}
There are stars in your eyes{.}
I love lying there with you wrapped in my arms{,}
Clothed in your Beartooth croptop {what is a croptop}
While we watch Disney movies and you sing every song{.} {omg your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse is exactly like me}
I love the moment when you realize that I'm admiring you{,}
And your blush deepens from one to ten in the space of seconds{.}[b]
I even miss the distraction that comes from being around you[b]{.}
And it amuses me to no end that every time I answer the phone{,}
You start kissing my neck and flustering me like crazy{.}{pfft I like your girl/boy/non-binaryfriend}
There are certain sounds {that} is acceptable to make while calling your father {--}
The ones that threaten to spill from my throat don't make the list
You came into my life and stole my heart so quickly{,}
It's never been this intense before{.}
And honestly? It's terrifying
But I love you to no end{,}
So do what you want with me, I'm yours{.}
My interpretation:
Another stereotypical love poem <3 so cute
Overall:
I did like it, but your grammar issues could be worked on. However, I don't get why it's called "My Jellybean." It doesn't have jellybeans at all...? Keep writing.
Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --
Kara
First off; I really like your review style, it's very informative and super infused with personality.
She. It's about a girl who, if I'm lucky, will soon be my girlfriend.
Little bit of explanation: a croptop is a shirt/hoodie that is cut short, usually between bellybutton or rib length. The title doesn't really make sense, I know, when she was younger her nickname was Jellybean and recently i've picked it back up.
Spoiler
I absolutely love this. I'm honestly not good with poem structure and whatnot so I can't give much advice on the aspect of writing it -- however, I can say that as the reader, I am awed! I look forward to seeing more poems like this from you.
hey, when you review, check out this for reference