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140,068 Literary Works • 672,978 Reviews
I really like this. It seemed deep and I also liked the repetition. Unlike smashless, I like the way the lines are written. My favorite part was "something's up, so it seems
Poison them, no more screams'
Hey there! First of all, I would just like to say that this poem is very good. I love the repetition of 'Reverand Jim Jones' and how deep it is. However, there are some things that could use some improving.
1. Each line is very choppy. I think you did this on purpose but in some parts it does not make sense because the punctuation is in the middle of a sentence. I'm not sure if that makes sense so I'll use the first stansa to explain.
"Man of God, reverend
A prophet, relevant
Only to, followers
Who really believed him
Little town, nice place
To spread some holy terror"
Perhaps instead could be:
"Man of God, reverand.
A prophet.
Relevant only
to followers who really
Believed.
Little town, nice place,
To spread some holy terror."
I'm no expert on poetry and I'm sure someone more experienced than me could make it better, but can you see how this flows a little better?
2. There's really only one other thing I can say, and that's in the third stansa when you say "Can never be stopped", I think in this context might be nicer if you said "Can ne'er be stopped". 'Ne'er' is the same thing but I just think it seems a bit more suited to the way you've written the rest of the poem.
That's all from me!
Smashles.