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139,534 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
WhenI first started reading the work, I thought this was an author's note that you forgot to mark! XD Then I realised, it was just very good characterisation. And you've obviously moved on in your writing because you're not using punctuation anymore! XD
but the rhetorical questions ar eback in.
This sounds like something about a war, very much so, especially with the references to anger and the "homeplace."
I didn't understand all of the imagery here, but I feel like there is something dark behind your meaning. War and death intertwined with love, but I'm not sure what to make of it all. Just yet.
The first line of the this stanza suggests some sort of control. And I feel this work is very controlled, with its regular stanzas and safe language. I think it needed to be more daring.
keep writing.
Hi there 567ajt,
OK first of all, I think I already told you that poetry/lyrics isn't really my thing. I don't have much experience with them, but I'll do my best to help and let you know what I think. Just take this review with a grain of salt I guess.
Secondly, I'm really sorry this is so late. I meant to get to it a lot sooner and I'm sorry it took so long.
OK so the first stanza/verse was fine I thought. I was just a little bit confused over 'give me your wrist'. I'm not sure if the word 'wrist' is needed as that's pretty specific all of a sudden. Perhaps 'take my hand' would be better? It is a little cliche, but not if you put it to some good music.
I thought the chorus was good too. Only thing I would suggest is eliminating or replacing the second 'And'. (The second line). I think it would sound better as just: 'Who will talk to me as well?'
I like the next part too, but I'm not sure about 'I wouldn't know where to go from here'. Didn't really stand out as a strong finish to the verse in my opinion (Which could be wrong). But I would have to hear it with the music to be sure.
The third verse was perfect. I read it over several times and I love it. It's my favorite part, very cool.
Now I don't know what kind song/style this is written for, but I would definitely think about having some sort of instrumental solo/break before the final repeats of the chorus. I think that would be cool, and make sure that the final chorus is the loudest and/or most intense of the four times it's sung.
Again this is just all my opinion and I really don't know all that much about this stuff, but I hope this helped, even if just a little bit.
-- DudeMcGuy