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140,071 Literary Works • 672,990 Reviews
567,
Although I did enjoy reading this, it took awhile for me to actually get to the enjoyable part! I think the biggest issue I had with it was really the first stanza. It seems like a jarring way to introduce a poem--more conversational, it seems, than the rest of the poem.
Also, watch the use of punctuation. There are a couple points in which a comma is used that don't work, and rather just jar the reader (S1L3, S2L3). It's okay not to have a comma there. I do think that punctuation is important to a poem, but not using it at certain points is just as important. Try reading the poem aloud and that will help you find the awkward moments.
In the 4th stanza I get a little confused, though. "It start, when you were gone, leaving me here." This makes it sound both like the person was always gone and the person was leaving--one or the other has to be chosen here.
The conclusion stanza wasn't bad, but I would replace the line "I feel no love" because it sounds too jokey for the rest of the poem. Like when people say sarcastically "Wow, I feel the love"...just too joking! Need something stronger.
Good luck!
V