Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,021 Literary Works • 672,742 Reviews
Hi there Arc! I noticed this poem of yours has been in the green room for a while so I thought I'd try to leave you a quick review and nudge it out ^^
I agree with everything Lim wrote in their review, so I'll try not to be too repetitive! I agree with them that your use of em-dashes after "you" creates a really lovely flow to the piece, and adds weight to the word. One thought I did have was that you could consider adding an em-dash after one other place were "you" shows up without the dash:
This definitely isn't necessary, but it would further emphasize the word and add even more consistency to the piece. (There's one other place where "you" appears without an em-dash: "you who were driven out" - but it occurs right after you with and em-dash so it would be a bit silly to put one there. I do think, actually, that cutting out that second "you" wouldn't hurt, but that's up to you.)
One of my (many) favourite things about your poetry is how you incorporate subtle, simple, but gorgeous imagery. These two lines are a prime example! I adore how you take the image of a silhouette, which is typically a black cutout, and describe it as "white-draped" - it's a lovely twist on a familiar image. (I also really enjoy the assonance with "white" and "light"!)
One thing I noticed is that you also used several hyphenated phrases - "leaf-perches", "white-draped", "long-haired", "dark-lashed"-> they all also seem to follow the pattern of onesyllable-twosyllables. I can't quite put my finger on it but something about that is really melodic! It just adds nicely to the flow of the poem.
I really liked your lack of full-stops throughout the poem; the em-dashes kept the poem from feeling too run-on without them and it feels lighter and a bit airier without periods. Usually I prefer when poems end with a period, as it creates a sense of finality, but here I actually like your choice to end without one. It makes it feel like the poem isn't on a mission to reach the end, it just gets there, if that makes sense? Or maybe I'm projecting onto punctuation choices too much haha.
And finally, this is really minor, but the font you use in your poetry (is it Times? Garamond?) is so aesthetic and just ...Arc-y. It's definitely more poetic than the default yewis font!
All in all, I quite enjoyed reading this poem. The flow, the imagery, and the visual aspects all work really well together! I hope this review proves useful in some way ^^
whatcha
Hi Arc! Just stopping by to leave a longer review! I really like this poem. It has a lyrical tone and a sense of vastness or weightiness to it that fits the subject matter.
Sound Effects
I like the variety of sound-related techniques you've used here. Each conveys a different effect that fits in with the overall narrative.
"sands . . . sandaled" --> both consonance with the repetition of "sand" and sibilance here, which is reminiscent of winds in the desert for me, which I thought contributed to the atmosphere of the piece
"recite . . . night" --> a surprise rhyme! I thought it was positioned well, as it is towards the end of the poem where the reader is apt to be surprised by a twist.
"long-haired beloved . . . lashed" --> repetition of the [l] sounds is melodious and conveys a sense of beauty
Language
The register here seems to be going for formal, but unpretentious, which helps convey that weightiness I mentioned earlier without becoming inaccessible.
"leaf-perches" --> such an interesting image! Does it refer to a specific architectural feature or is it just to set a certain mood? It would be nice to see this expanded on, maybe with a colour word like you did with "white-draped silhouette".
"you who would wake up" --> I'm guessing "wake up" is chosen here to make it unpretentious, but since "awaiting" was fine in the first stanza, I think "awake" or "rise" would help this bit fit more into the formal register
Structure
The structure in this poem is one of the strongest aspects, I think. Though there does not seem to be any particular rhyme scheme/ syllabic structure, you have a consistent rhythm throughout the stanzas which I think is great. I also like the formatting of the poem with a wide margin of white around it, which seems to reflect the desert setting.
The repetition of 'you' is really effective in creating a unified rhythm over the whole piece. Combined with that very clever em-dash, each 'you' seemed to invite a pause for rhetorical emphasis.
Additionally, the phrases you've capitalised appropriately emphasise the themes of the poem.
That's all
Well, Arc, this was a nice one! Hopefully you'll find some of these comments helpful <3
Cheers,
-Lim
Thanks so much, Lim! You've been gentle with this work and I know it. It could use some editing but thanks for not bombarding me with nitpicks, haha!
"Leaf-perches" here refers not to the architectural feature, but the practice of climbing up palm trees, and perched yourself upon the leaf clusters to look out into the distance when awaiting someone to arrive from far away.
Anytime <3 Yes, palm trees make a lot of sense now that I think about it haha.
Ooh I especially like the line breaks in the first stanza, as though revealing more and more layers of people waiting for the subject <3