Young Writers Society

Hello, Arc!

I'm quite a bit rusty at reviewing, so I beg your pardon in advance.

I think your first line does a good job of starting in the midst of a scene. I do think that "pharoah" is actually spelled "pharaoh"? In any case, I think it's a really good word to use because while it literally describes that person's title/position, it also clues the readers in to a certain time period and geographic region that you're working with in a subtle way.

high water doesn't part
for the faint of heart
only for the stuttering babe
in the basket

Again, nice subtlety here--I get all of the references, but they also aren't screaming "parting the Red Sea!!!" which is very nice. The second line here has a resonance of needing faith, but perhaps also of needing strength or courage. Although the rhyme is nice, it does make the second line feel a little... trite? Not exactly, but it seems obvious that miracles don't happen for just anyone.

I think your third line does help to subvert this because of the "stuttering babe" -- Moses is a powerful figure, but he was also not well-spoken and was once a child. I like the idea of playing with faintness and where strength really comes from. I'm not sure if that's what you're meaning to do here, but that's just my interpretation!

Also, I like the consonance of "babe" and "basket" as the ending words of two lines.

the one whose staff
struck long ago

I think my biblical knowledge is a little weak--I know there were multiple things going on with the staff (turning into a serpent?) but the one I thought of here was striking the rock to produce water. I wasn't sure if this was before parting the waters? Because it seemed to me that it happened after. In any case, what I'm getting at is that the "long ago" is throwing me off. I'm unsure if it's intended to be long before parting the red sea (which I think is the current event being referenced by Pharaoh's horses? Correct me if I'm wrong!) or if it's a present day thought meaning that Moses's existence was long ago.

The latter to me seems really strange, since you're sort of writing it in the past, or in a way that doesn't feel long ago. It's really the first line that sort of sets the reader in the moment, because it doesn't feel like you're speculating on the past, but were right there in the action.

Moshe, what was it like?
to be alone in the kingdom
those late afternoons
of sweltering exile

Again, this feels very much as if the reader is there, or has knowledge of these events, and I love it. I also enjoy the contrast between "alone" and "kingdom," because they don't really fit together in my mind. "late afternoons" and "sweltering exile" are deliciously specific, and I wonder if you could drop some more imagery into your poem? It seems like there would be a lot of images to draw from, story-wise, and your use of specific and pointed language really helps to ground the poem. Also, I love the way you present this with asking "Moshe" a question, it adds a lot to your tone in a cool way.

and where does one begin
to carve a new life
with only faith
for conveyance

Ooh, interesting. I've been noticing your lack of punctuation throughout, and I think it's particularly apt in this stanza when you're wondering where to begin. I like the broader application or thought process here, branching out from the specific story. "Carve" is a very nice word choice. I do wonder, though, if "conveyance" is really the right word. It indicates traveling to me, which works well with the idea of exile, but I'm not sure if it would make more sense to have a word more like "subsistence," something more indicative of a reliance on faith alone? Maybe that's not what you meant to say, but "conveyance" did throw me off a little bit and since it's the last word of the poem, there's not much room left to explore.

Overall, I really like this! Even though I know the story, I like the elements of mystery. It's really well-done and I like the open-ended aspect of it. I think that if you were to revise it, I might say again that some more imagery would be good, and some more internal consistency. I do love both the opening and the closing lines, but it feels a little hard to connect them together, so the more you could do that, I think the more whole it might become.

I really love the length, though, and I would definitely say keep it short! That's some of the real beauty of it, plus the subtlety. I always love your poetry, you did a really nice job with this.

-Q