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returning from the wilderness

by Arcticus



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32 Reviews


Points: 1240
Reviews: 32

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Sun Jan 03, 2021 10:24 am
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anne27 wrote a review...



Hey Arcticus!! Anne here for a review.

Wow! This was a really great poem. It was a good read. Though if someone like me , who doesn't know the story of Yeshua, reads it, the reason why he returns will be a little vague. But it's probably only because I've not heard the story. So it's fine :)

Now let's get into the details.

THEME
The message of this poem was intricate , introspective and a little bit suspenseful too. So I loved it. The words were very well chosen and the poem was well executed.


GRAMMAR
I agree with Yoshi. But I don't have anything else to say.

Also some verses were more appealing to me than the others.

where do you go first,
when you arrive from that wilderness
perhaps to your mother's door
to give her your peace
or to your friends: the few
and the treasured, or up a hill,
with your flock


Okay, so this is really subjective. But to me, this was the best verse. The fact that a son wants to give peace to his aged mother is so calming and complete in its own sense. The few and treasured phrase for friends is so lovely -one that the reader will always treasure after reading this poem.

Overall, this was a remarkable poem.
Eager to read more from you.
Keep writing :D




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85 Reviews


Points: 1870
Reviews: 85

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Sun Dec 27, 2020 8:50 pm
Yoshikrab wrote a review...



Wow! Nice poem! This is a pretty quiet and powerful, yet nondramatic, which is really cool!

Grammatical

Was the capitalization of "for" in the first line on purpose, or was it an accident? If it was on purpose, that was cool! I think uncapitalizing it kind of shows how this poem is only describing the ending of an adventure, but there is still more before it.

If it was on accident . . . well, you should probably capitalize the first letter in a sentence.

I wonder how the world looks
when you've been gone
for long
and then return
with something that can't wait


There should be a comma after "Long".

where do you go first,
when you arrive from that wilderness
perhaps to your mother's door
to give her your peace
or to your friends: the few
and the treasured, or up a hill,
with your flock


There should be a question mar after "Wilderness" in the second line.

Optional: you can place an em dash after "Door" in the third line.

There should be a semicolon after "Peace" in the fourth line.

There should be a semicolon after "Treasured" instead of the comma in the sixth line.


Also, at the end of each stanza, there should be a period.

Well, there are no other grammatical mistakes; Good for you! :D

Technical

Okay, so your stanza structure is fair, but it can improve.

I wonder how the world looks
when you've been gone
for long
and then return
with something that can't wait


The third line is really out of place here, so you can do something like this:

I wonder how the world looks
when you've gone
for so long
and return
with something that can't wait.


As you can see, even though I didn't change the last line, I connected the middle three lines with an identical rhythm so it becomes 7-3-3-3-6. That has a much more consistent beat than 7-4-2-4-6.

Plot

Okay, so plot-wise, there is nothing wrong here. I think you are describing the end of a story, but I don't really know.


So, I hope you were satisfied with my review!

Bon Voyage!

y0sH!





There's a Brazilian things you could write about. You just gotta pick Juan.
— Hattable