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in the end we return

by Arcticus



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82 Reviews


Points: 4265
Reviews: 82

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Sun Dec 27, 2020 5:16 pm
Yoshikrab wrote a review...



Very nice! I don't even want to try to un-riddle this poem, as it is way too mysterious for me.

Grammatical

having danced with abandon
we seek a place to rest


There should be a comma after "abandon".

In the clarity of the morning
we crave not the dizziness of wine
but the cleansing taste
of water


Comma after "Wine" and "Morning".

In the end, we long
not for adventure, or thrill
but the prison
of a warm embrace


Comma after "thrill" and no comma after "Adventure".

for doors that stayed open
for us, long after
we had closed them


I think there shouldn't be two "For"s in the same sentence, as it is a bit repetitive. You could have placed "As" or something similar in place of one of the "For"s.

Technical

So, there is no rhyming, but that is a big *No problemo* in a short-lined poem like this.

There is no definite meter or rhythm, but again-- not important in a short-lined poem like this.

The stanza structure is great . . . except for the last one. If you had combined the lines to form two lines, it would have matched the structure of the first stanza and finished the poem off nicely-- like so:

for doors that stayed open for us,
long after we had closed them


AND it's always good to stop a line at the end of a clause. No matter how popular it is to cut off a line in the middle of a sentence, clause-lining is much more effective and keeps the reader's attention.

Plot

SO . . . I'm not going to try to decipher this-- you are seriously a master at mysterious ;-;.

But I can review the plot of seperate spots.

You know what; I'm going to try to decipher this. don't laugh at me

So is this trying to be a poem of . . . life?

The first part talks about "Having danced with abandon, we seek a place to rest." That already sounds like a life-based poem.

The second stanza also mirrors the theme of the first stanza, but with different metaphors.

The third stanza shows how an adventurer or explorer literally wants to go back to the "Prison" of a warm embrace.

But I think the final stanza is the most powerful.

It talks about how the subject has figuratively "Opened a door" for future adventurers or explorers.

That's my interpretation-- tell me if I'm wrong. I'd love to know what you were thinking about when writing this!

Hope you were satisfied with this review!

Bon Voyage!

-y0sH!




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11 Reviews


Points: 864
Reviews: 11

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Sun Dec 27, 2020 12:15 pm
woodpecker wrote a review...



hi ..your poem is wonderful and neat . you used the words nicely and also you used a simple language ,a plus point. the poem is small making it more beautiful. in second paragraph i liked the way you penned about water and the in third paragraph the way you represented the want of staying close to the person ..touches the heart .
if you dont mind pls can you explain me the last paragraph..as i see the words you have written symbolises more meanings.




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19 Reviews


Points: 2014
Reviews: 19

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Wed Dec 23, 2020 3:16 pm
grainne says...



Beautiful! I love how this poem isn't overly dramatic, but rather just relatable and honest. Keep on writing.





Revision is one of the exquisite pleasures of writing.
— Bernard Malamud