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140,552 Literary Works • 673,424 Reviews
Hey, Shina! I'm going to Chapter 1 now, like I promised.
An interesting way to start out your story, and I get where it's going because of the whole rain thing your doing. However, it left me a little confused. For Example :
Okay, this a little akwardly phrased, because after reading the sentence, I got the impression that rain falling on her head is the only thing your MC remebers about childhood. I think the rest of the paragraph is fine as long as you expand up on the first sentence.
This paragraph is a little flat. First off, you don't have any of your main characters reaciton to the letter. And the whole thing about the parents dying, I wasn't really feeling the emotion behind it. You contanstly tell me to show instead of tell, but it seems you aren't doing that here
Other than that, you are an awesome writer. I can't wait to read more!
Ms. Shina, now I can't review it! =P
Mr. Andy, you have brought reviewing to a whole no level
I will have to take these things to account, or wait for my editors to fix it xD
Hey Angels.
I quite like how you've used the rain to establish a depressing yet urgent sort of mood. It fits along with this powerful line nicely. In just a hundred plus words, I got a picture of a traumatized, yet determined girl, madly dashing through the wilderness along with her party in search of their desires. It really made me want to know why they are going on such a mission.
Just curious, but is that what she thinks, or is that what her Papa thinks? If that is actually what she thinks, then it could be a good starting point for further characterization. When I saw that bit, I thought that she really desperately wants to relive those days, because music has shown her a world of many riches and wonders; it gave her hope and colour to an otherwise ordinary life. But none of that desire is shown here. I'll explain why that is in my "overall" part of the review.
Hrmm I dunno. When Ms. Evans' told her that, it doesn't seem that fully realized. I'm pretty sure that others would be affected by it, yet the narrator doesn't really show us that. Anger and distrust are interesting sort of emotions for a such a situation, but I don't really see where that could be coming from. Also, the actions that follow after this isn't really that effective (seems kind of forced). It would have been more feasible if she ran out into the rain due to a relationship break up...but not for something like this. I mean the narrator did love them right so I would assume that she would be devastated and so would many others.
Overall impressions:
Hrmm I like it overall. It's quite well written (possibly why it took me several rereads of this before I saw the flaws in the piece) and has quite a natural and human feel to it that in a sense, helps validates the mission that was stated in the preface. However, I cannot say that this piece is good because the flaws in the piece detract to what would have been an emotional piece.
Your preface works very well in making the reader want to know more (as stated above) so I won't be touching that. I'll be talking about chapter 1 however.
Sorry if this seems harsh, but I thought your narrator seemed a bit sheep-ish. By that, I mean that she doesn't seem to have her own individual thoughts and emotions in the piece. She focuses too much on other's actions, though the way that she narrates seem to hide this fact quite well. For example, what was her attitude, thoughts and feelings about being taught music? What does SHE think about the instruments themselves? What does she think about her lifestyle and of other family members? What was she like on Christmas morning etc etc.
Her narration seems to be too dependant on the parents in my opinion. She doesn't really seem to have that drive, that passion in her. Your preface however has that element to it so that why it worked so well. I think this was also the reason why I felt the narration seems a bit bland at times.
It could be also why I didn't find her reaction to her caregivers' deaths to be all that compelling. Also, that bit could have had more emotional weight if you have included how others have been affected by the incident and how they are reacting (eg: media press). At the moment, it seems like no one really cares which really does negate some of the power of the narrator and what's established in the preface.
But I really do think this piece will shine with some judicious editing and with more realization of the character and of her care-giver's death. It's half way there. Aim to focus more on why she loved music and her parents and how devastated she was when they were killed during a concert.
I hope this helped. Good luck.
Andy.
The preface is meant to be vague xD This is a preview of what's up ahead, so it captures the conflict.
xD Once again, this was on purpose. So for anyone else who reviews, take note of that
Thanks Rose ^^
Hey Shina! How's It Going! Gonna Do A Review!
Hmm. Your phrasing is kind of confusing in the first part. I'm not sure I understand what is trying to be said.
Why are they running? You're a little vague. Try to describe more.
Okay I really love your description here. It's pretty awesome xD. Way to go. But What I don't have is a set plot. Why are these people running?
This is good....just expand upon it a little more.
Great, Great, Great! Your really awesome. The only thing I have is some inconsisteny in the tenses. For Example, If you go to the second pararaph in the bottom. Your first sentnce Is in present, and your second is in past. Pick a tense and stay with that. Other than that, awesome . Sorry, But I have to go
No problem. I know how that is. I'm a cellist, myself, so I think the cello can do pretty much anything. *smiles proudly*
Fine. I'll just wait for the whole book. Well, when you post anything else, let me know.
What??????? Why?
-Sea-
Of course other instruments can make depressing, gloomy sounds. But the piano is Jade's instrument, therefore she needs to show special interest in it ^^
Thanks for catching those, Searria! xD You have no idea how helpful that was. Self-editing your own work is not a fun, easy, or possible thing to do =_=
Thanks for reading it, and I hope you liked it. This is all I'm posting on YWS, though. Hopefully the next time you see this will be on the shelf of a bookstore xD After much editing, of course
-Shina
Very nice. I really felt for the Character. I too, have some nitpicks, though.
Preface:
Since you use "quicken" soon in the story, I would suggest: "...and time appeared to speed by." or something.
Um..."bare heads" makes me think that you are bald. I'm not really sure how you could change that, though.
You don't need to use a helping verb twice for one subject, in this case, so I would say: "They were all looking up to me, depending on my faithful..."
Chapter 1
nice
I would delet the second, "I," though.
I had to read this a few times. It doesn't flow well for me. Perhaps: "My beloved parents, known to most as the musical prodigies Elaine and Cari, were..." I don't know. You can fiddle with it.
It should be "...were taught to my by my parents" and the semicolon needs to be a colon.
My friend loves that name. If he ever has a daughter, he wants to name her Kaydence. Anyway....
Perhaps a colon after this?
I would say: "that my sister and I were attracted like magnets to the unique..."
nice
so can the flute. any insrument that can play a minor melody makes me all gloomy, as much as I love minor.
This sentence is just awkward for me. At first, I thought that the stockings held kindling. See if yopu can rearrange it a bit.
I would say "...as Kaydence played..."
Merry Christmas, honey.
This is a little flat for me. I didn't feel anything when I read this. Try to add more emothion. You do so wonderfullly afterwords, but I had to read it twice before I got the point that there parents had been killed. Maybe it's just me.
um..."live up to them?"
very effective
Jade! Those tears are NOT childish! I would say: "but they ran down my face as did the rain." You already said that rain runs down on your head. It gets slightly repetitive.
I wish rain could wash away all of my troubles.
Other than that, great work! It was very enjoyable. Let me know when you post more.
-Sea-
Thanks for catching those Mira xD I'm not such a good editor. That's why June does it @_@ Well, I'm a bad self editor, which everyone is xD
Kaydence doesn't get mentioned much until the next chapter. She's not really important to the story just yet. This chapter was for Jade's background.
Shina! This was really good!
However, I do have just a few nitpicks. I hope you don't mind.
I'm just not so sure about this sentence. How do you know what the other people are feeling? It does make a little sense, but I'm just not so crazy about it.
I love this metaphor.
Hmm... Perhaps this sentence could be changed a bit? It just doesn't seem to flow for me. Maybe "Four stockings draped the fireplace where kindling burned a blazing orange..."
"Their" should be "there".
Overall: I love how the story is going and I'm very eager to learn more. However, I think we could know a bit more about Kaydence. But your description is wonderful and I could just imagine being in the rain or even in the Christmas room.
Smiles!
~Mira