The short story. the end.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,800 Reviews
I was a little late in reviewing this it seems. Ah well. Since you've already been chewed out, I'll just do an overall:
Your description is nice but very repetitive. I spotted the word "wind" about ten times in one paragraph. Get a thesaurus and jazz that up.
You're language flirts between modern and flowery. I don't mind flowery (you've done it relatively well, except for the note above) but I highly dislike modern language in a story's prose. It pulls me right out.
Put thoughts in italics. If you've done that in your original document, great, but if not, do so. It makes the transition between prose and thoughts (which by nature are more modern) much easier.
Cut the amount of explaining you do in spoken language. No person talks like so: "I knew I couldn't handle it, I'm not superhuman." Put that in the first-person prose.
The fact that I was not lost and this is chapter 22 could pose a problem. Everything in your book should contribute to the plot, and since no forwarding was needed for this, it doesn't seem integral to the plot. I was slightly confused (Where are they, what's happened, that sort of thing) but I didn't really need those questions answered to read this. Just a note.
And finally, I must say the show, don't tell stuff has improved greatly since chapters 1-4. I will say what the problem with that was again: You need to expand your monologues to show scenes. This, however, was pretty good.
You might want to post this in Advanced Critiques since I believe it's over 5,000 words. When you post there you put in your whole novel (by uploading the document) and then you get comments on everything.
Hope I helped! Sorry for the wait!
Hey, Angels-Symphony
I’m not sure if this is the one you wanted me to read because it says Chapter 22 so I’m slightly confused but I hope I’m right 
To start out, when you write dialogue, there is a certain rule to it. I’m horrible at explaining it so I’ll just give you an example
“Hello, darling, how are you?” the man asked his wife, pressing his lips softly to hers.
“I’m fine. Tired but fine, George,” the wife answered, throwing her purse and keys onto the counter.
All right, to point out a few things, first, there is a comma after “George” in the second sentence and the word after him is in lowercase. You have to apply this to everything. Unless it is a name or “I”, use lowercase. Next, you must always have a comma before a name in dialogue if you are addressing them.
Now, applying these rules to your sentence above, this is how it should look:
“It took precisely seven and a half minutes to get from Town Hall to the church,” King calculated while reading his golden pocket watch.
You must have that comma instead of a period after “church” for it to work If you have any further questions on this or just don’t understand (I would totally understand if you didn’t. I’m horrible at explaining this, like I said [= ), just PM me or maybe read someone else’s work and that might help.
Again, following the rules about dialogue, you should have a comma before “Jade” and a comma after “down” instead of a period.
This is kind of an awkward sentence. Maybe try: Valentina wasn’t a fool and looked at me as if she knew better.
No need for the comma after “usually”
Lowercase “t” in “the” here.
Comma instead of a period after “worry”
I’m not sure if you need this huge explanation on being in a trance…
Whoa, these two sentences are chock full with carbs. My advice: cut back. You don’t need all these large overly intimidating words to describe that she was aware of the trance but decided not to fight it because she would lose anyway.
Add the “the” where I did above.
Yes, you tried to explain this thought to us but I still don’t totally understand why she let the trance overtake her. Instead of using big words, sum it up for us in your character’s voice, you know?
I don’t know if I exactly favor “squishing” as an adj. to describe “toes” I would try to find something other than that to describe them.
Awkward sentence. Maybe try: I passed ancient trees with thick roots that traveled through the fertile soil blanketing the endless forest. or something like that. ^_^
I don’t like the all-cad words. They just ruin the beautiful story you are weaving. If you want to ephasize a point, use italics. They make a much better impact anyway. =)
Also, her thoughts are kind of all over the place. Slow it down and concentrate on what you want your MC to get across to the reader. Otherwise, all that you say is mumbled.
Combine these two sentences since they are fairly the same. Maybe like: My fancies were interrupted by the mesmerizing clearing, making me pause mid-stride and take in the illustrious clearing.
I really don’t understand what is happening here. All I got was that Mother Nature was displaying to her the elements: land, water, and wind. Really work on tweaking this and making it clear. Also, you can combine sentences that are fairly similar so you don’t slow down the flow by overdoing things.
Throughout your whole piece, you never once address the reader, but now, suddenly, you do.
~ ~ ~ ~
Well, I must say, you know what you are doing
1) Sometimes I noticed that you get so caught up in the descriptions that you forget about moving the plot forward. Almost a full page was devoted to the harmony of Nature and such. Really work on moving the plot forward while still keeping those wonderful descriptions of yours =]
2) When I read that part about her seeing her future self in the pool and then her parents, Harry Potter instantly entered my thoughts. I’m not sure if you have read that series or not but they have a scene almost like that but it’s with a mirror. Just be careful not to use other author’s specific ideas.
3) All right, to the running part, I’m still baffled. Isn’t she like freaked or completely out of her mind when she is running that fast? Isn’t she the least bit worried? I don’t think you included enough of her thoughts on that subject. You need to really capture her thoughts and convey them to the reader.
4) Plot line. This is the biggest thing at the moment. Must I say, I was intrigued with it all. It thought you did great… but the plot, I’m still not sure on. What is the main purpose of this piece? What are you trying to tell the reader? What are you trying to get out of this story? These are the questions you must ask yourself as you write. They may help you with some of the other things I mentioned above.
Well, other than those things, I’m almost positive you know where you want to go with this. It’s pretty obvious in the commanding way you write (which is a wonderful thing). Just make sure you make sure that the reader knows what you are talking about
If you have any further questions or need any other help with this, let me know.
Well, hello again! Of course I remember you and I am more than happy to leave you a review!
It seems as though everyone else has nitpicked this quite a bit, so I won't bother pointing anything out beyond this one instance:
Call it a stylistic thing on my part, but I would really recommend changing the all caps to italics for emphasis. It just looks so much more elegant.
'K, now, obviously I haven't read the other parts of the story yet, so there may be some things I don't quite understand due to not having read explanations or gotten to know the character all that well. So bear with me if I say something stupid that is explained in your story, but I wouldn't have known.
I liked it so far. I'll admit that I liked the beginning a bit more, what with the character interactions and I really wanted more of that. (Of course, there is more in the rest of the story, but I am speaking just from this chapter.) I found the trance a bit confusing, since I'm not really sure what triggered it. The forest? What is it that makes her tick and fall into the trance? (It is all rather frustrating, my not knowing what else happened before this story.)
Jade's character was interesting so far. I liked her little takes on what was going on with her and the world. Very nice.
Overall, I give you a thumbs up. You have a great writing style and the idea is intriguing. I just wish I could read the rest of it. *hint hint* It would probably help in my understanding of the story, and would help in telling you about characterization in specific chapters or actions, etc.
But anyway, very nice. I look forward to reading more from you! Keep up the great work!
~GryphonFledgling
Hi, I've been summoned here to review for you. It's a bit long for a line by line, but I will point a few off sounding sentences.
Now, just what is wrong with this sentence? First off, I can't imagine how a silvery voice sounds. Secondly, what she is saying hardly sounds like something she would say in a sing-song voice. Dubious concern doesn't sound right, it's like you are saying that she is dubious, that her concern is not real. Which I don't think you meant. Either way you confused me.
Two ellipses (or however you spell it) in one sentece seems pretty weird. Plus I wonder why they named somehting so creepy sounds like I wonder why the creepy thing was actually named. Cryptic foliage: just no.
So there are other similar sentences, just read them back and see if there isn't a way of making them smoother and more logical.
Description:
You use a little too much. Okay, so I'm a total under describer, but it's one thinig to have lots of good, rich, interesting description and another if you are describing the same thing but over and over again, sounding like an overused thesaurus.
Character: We don't know much about her, but the thoughts in her head start off rather childish and become more bearable towards the end. Maybe she's grown as a person
Plot: It seemed rather contrived to me. The way the character just happened to go the forest, just accepted falling in a trance and ended up in this mystical place. Give it some suspense, to make up for lack of things happening.
Overall: Wasn't really my thing, but I could see other people liking it. If you tighten it up it could have potential.
Hi, angels! =D
Dialogue Is Silly...
...But it's important, and because it's so important, we need it to make sense. That means we need correct punctuation. Snoink wrote an article on Dialogue Grammar found in the Knowledge Base that covers basically everything. It's a very quick read. xD Let's pull a couple of yours here. Overall, you did pretty well!
Not only do we need the comma at the end of the quote, but we always use a comma when addressing other people. ^_^
So just go back through and see if you can't fix some of that. They're dialogue rules that are used all around, and I don't think it's about time for the world to change the rules just yet. XD
Just a comma nit-pick on my part. xD I like your wording in the tag, though! Very nice choice of words! And the dialogue in general is so realistic. I may have changed the last comma to a dash there, but it's all based on style really. ^^
And maybe put thoughts in italics? Or, instead, just down' say the MC thought it. We're reading what the MC is thinking already because it's in first person, so that tag "...I thought" is unneeded. ^_^
A final point on dialogue: Make it realistic. Throughout the piece, I find quotes that seem realistic and others that seem like it's narration forced into a quote. Unless the character speaks in such a descriptive tongue, try to mend that a bit. Example:
Modern translation: "Ouch! I must've used too much energy when I ran." Actually, wait. How does this hurt? Can't she just be exhausted? I don't see her clutching her arm or anything indicating she is injured. Try this: "Man, I'm so tired. I must have ran too much..."
Pet peeve. Commas are not used for pauses like here. Ellipses do this. (...) Commas have other jobs--plenty of them--and we don't want them egotistic or cocky.
Set the Bait
As we may very well know, hooks are important. Even for chapters. We want the reader to keep reading the novel, so we need to start each chapter with delicious bait and suck the reader in. I love books that I just can't put down!
Here, we started with dialogue, and that is a very common way to start. It's also very good! I use it quite a bit. xD Readers like to hear their characters talk, and starting the chapter with something the reader loves is golden. However, we then jump straight into the rest of the paragraph, which I think is what we need to fix up. If we put King's line by itself and then go into the next paragraph, it will already be amazing.
We start with dialogue, and then we move into the setting. This is normally used, and it normally does amazing work for the reader. ^_^
As a side note, I think we used "the others" a bit too much in this paragraph. By the end, it felt repititious. ^^
And another side note, breathe is the action and breath is the noun.
Show, Don't Tell. Blah, blah, blah...
We all hate this part. Like... everyone here. We hear it so much, we just want it to go away. >_> But! It's true, and it's something we all can work on. By this point, I felt it was too telly:
You used the MC's voice a lot, giving the reader the MC's thoughts. This is good! But we also want to find out the setting for ourselves. For example, instead of just telling us it's winter, describe how the snow looks or feels, the temperature, whe the neighbor kids are doing outside, etc. This paragraph specifically is pretty good until I got to the last sentence. xD That was when I decided it was too telly.
How does she know no one else is in the misty woods?
Another telly quote. Unless a trance is a specific kind of magic in our world and we haven't explained what it's like, we don't need to explain what a trance is. The dictionary takes care of that, yes? =D
Try to avoid telling the reader the obvious. If the MC's walking through the forest, saying they're sauntering a few sentences later is unneeded. The reader is pretty smart, especially when reading a novel.
Paragraphs: Big and Small, and Other Formatting
I, personally, am not a fan of big, scary paragraphs. They scare me away. I tried reading a book that would have been amazing, if it didn't have paragraphs that were two/three pages long. T.T I couldn't finish it. That book scarred me. I'm deathly afraid of long paragraphs. XD Here's a large one that I had the urge to skip. Though it wouldn't have been two/three pages, it's long enough to give me the creeps.
Remember: New idea, new paragraph. New speaker, new paragraph. Though the latter hasn't happened in this one, the former one does. Talk about the quails in its own paragraph. Her appearance maybe in another. Get a little creative in your paragraphs. Formatting is very helpful when accenting a certain thought. That's why we say, "New idea, new paragraph." We want to know each idea the writer presents us, but there's no way to follow without straining our brains if its hidden in monstrous blocks of texts. Yes? ^_^
And overdoing description isn't good, but Castles took care of that point. ^^
Short paragraphs are excellent for suspense, whether it be action scenes or question/answer or minor scenes that need more attention. Like in poetry. The line breaks can only happen after certain words to create that slight pause of suspense (or rather stanza breaks, depending).
Later on, I notice you use caps. Try to avoid that (and not just because it's YWS). Some novels use caps in their dialogue, and I find myself jumping ahead to read the caps before returning to my original spot. It's distracting, and it can spoil what's coming up if they read ahead. XD Italics are great to use for emphasis, which is what we're doing here with the caps. Italics are epic. We should promote them.
And we overuse the exclamation point. Try reading them aloud with those exclamation points. Example:
Zomg!!!!! is screaming.
Zomg! is saying it loudly. Sometimes used for emphasis, but it really depends on the context.
Zomg... is groaning or letting it fade into nothingness.
Zomg. is saying it bluntly.
ZOMG!!!! is the voice gone hoarse. xD
Most of the time, exclamation points are hardly used. When I write, I try to avoid the exclamation point. Can I not use it and the meaning still hold the same? If not, can I try to avoid the exclamation point? Most of the time, yes. ^_^
Overall Opinion
This sounds like a great novel! I'm a fantasy nerd, so I rather liked this! Just the points above I mentioned we could probably touch on: Dialogue, formatting, introduction, and show/telling. If you have other questions, feel free to find me! You know how. ^^ Anything else you need critiqued, I'll be sure to do so. Just call me. ^_^
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Hey there Angel's xD I'm Lost, and I shall be your critiquer for today
I have numbered certain parts in bold, the parts are explained at the end in case you're wondering 
Okay, I had a few issues with this piece. Let's go over them first, and then we'll talk of the good stuff, okay ? I'm sure you'd rather let me tell you of the bad stuff too, so that you can improve upon that.
Tenses
Your tenses changed in the middle, and then went back. You need to keep a consistent tense, otherwise we'll get confused and won't read on.
Show don't tell
Sarah's done a whole review on it, so I won't go into it too much. Basically, get those characters in there! If you describe something have some dialogue too. Dialogue can do wonders for showing. Have characters interacting and describing things. I won't go into this a lot either, if you go to the knowledge base you might find some articles on it there, they can be very helpful xD
Character Development
Yours is going very well
"He'll love and hate, equally under cover, and esteem it a species of impertinence, to be loved or hated again"
-Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights.
By using this language, Emily has created an image of Heathcliff. A false one, however, as Lockwood is a shallow man. She has made him real. By realizing that people love and hate and including this langauge, she makes her characters come alive. Anyway,I shall not go into Wuthering Heights just now, I love that book with all my heart xD
Word Choice
I think this is perhaps your biggest problem here. It just doesn't seem like your writing. Did you use a thesaurus? It just doesn't seem like natural word flow. Don't worry, we all do that. But be careful of what words you put in what place. Please don't feel that you need to use a thesaurus, because you really don't. You are a great writer without these big words. What I'm saying is:
Just be careful where you put them. 'kay?
Good things !!!
Your character development is coming along really well. Your writing is mature too. You have a good flow, too and if you're careful of those words it'll flow fantastically. I feel that your biggest quality on this story is going to be character development as it's coming along really well xD
Numbers:
1. This doesn't work too well as your opening sentence. The tense is wrong, it should be:
or
We don't really know what's going on or who the characters are, and you don't really explain this, ever.
2. This was really good description, very good for your character development, well done xD
3. comma
4. Dubious doesn't really fit very well here, you could just have concern. I don't really understand what you meant
5. Good
6. comma.
7. Again, the language isn't right. You don't have a consistent prose, yours is normal at one minute and then jumps to 'posh' language that you wouldn't expect this character to use.
8. Doesn't make sense again, should just be:
or
personally, I'd nix the hushed.
9. It should be creepily not creepy.
10. Totally, totally doesn't fit your character. You need to nix this whole part and revise it to fit your character. You are a really good writer
11. off not of
12. Your toes aren't actually squishy, the ground might be but your toes aren't
13. Really nice description, here is the perfect place to add in some imagery. a simile or metaphor, whatever you want xD
14. See, this part is good, but auburn is a shade of brown so you can't use it.
15. Great description
16. Travelling has two l's.
17. This is where the tense changes. You really need to completely revise this part, it makes no sense and doesn't work. It does the opposite, it confuses your readers and puts them off. Also, there's no need to capitalize really, just italicalize it.
18. Fantastic, fantastic, fantastic description. Perfect
19. I think you should personify Mother Nature here, well evidently Mother Nature is a personification but I think you should take it futher. Have mother nature grabbing her pearl earrings or something. I don't know but I think it'd be a nice effect
20. Really good description again
21. Again, really good
22. Woah! You're hitting me with it again. It's great xD
23. Seriously, this description is amazing. This is exactly why you do not need a thesaurus. This, is incredible.
24. Gosh, I'm not even going to bother repeating myself again
Woah, this is really, really good Angels
25. Really, beautiful, heartwarming little speech. Perhaps a tad cliched but it's all the better. This really is great;)
26. The elipsises should be after the it's, should read:
27. This bit is rather clumsy:
because dark in this context means colourwise and lightly means weakly. This almost sounds like an oxymoron at first. I'd change lightly to weakly or something else. It's awkward otherwise.
28. Bit rushed.
29. This part is too rushed. We don't know why she cares for her parents, or why they're there. One minute they're there, next they're gone. We haven't been introduced to the parents or her love for them so we feel no empathy for her.
30. Far too rushed an ending, but yet I want to know more. So it's okay I guess
~Lost
Hope I helped xD
Hey there, angelsymphony! Sarah here as requested!
I'm not going to do a line-by-line, nitpicking critique, because your spelling and grammar seems to be looking good. And anyway, the overall critiques always help a lot more.
I think you have a really great idea going here. I like the developement of Jade, changes in characters are always good. The emotions are well portrayed and the whole process was very maturely done. my main problem with it is that you're telling, instead of showing the reader what's happening. Show, don't Tell is the most classic piece of advice you'll ever get for your writing. It's the difference between a published novel and fanfiction. This story has potential and I'd love to see it go somewhere, so here's some rules on how to show, instead of telling.
While “telling” can be useful, even necessary, most people don’t realize how vital “showing” is to an effective story, essay, or even a blog post. Showing allows the reader to follow the author into the moment, to see and feel and experience what the author has experienced. Using the proper balance of showing and telling will make your writing more interesting and effective.
I
Use Dialogue.
This is probably one of the first things my teacher tells the class when he has us write personal essays. Dialogue allows the reader to experience a scene as if they were there. Instead of telling the reader that somebody was angry or frightened, for example, they can hear it for themselves:
'No!' she screamed, pressing herself against the door. 'Get away from me!'
Dialogue can give your reader a great deal about character, emotion and mood.
II
Use sensory language.
In order for readers to fully experience what you’re writing about, they need to be able to see, hear, taste, smell and touch the world around them. Try to use language that incorporates several senses, not just sight. this will give your reader a much stronger image of everything that is happening around your character, and really put them right into the world existing in your head.
III
Be descriptive.
I’m sure everyone remembers learning to use adjectives and adverbs in elementary school. When we’re told to be more descriptive, it’s easy to go back to those things that we were taught. But being descriptive is more than just inserting a string of descriptive words. It’s carefully choosing the right words and using them sparingly to convey your meaning.
The following example is from a short story I wrote.
Telling: He sits on the couch holding his guitar.
There’s nothing wrong with that sentence. It gives the reader some basic information, but it doesn’t create an image. Compare that sentence with this:
Showing: His eyes are closed, and he’s cradling the guitar in his arms like a lover. It’s as if he’s trying to hold on to something that wants to let go.
The second example takes that basic information and paints a picture with it. It also uses figurative language—in this case, the simile “cradling the guitar in his arms like a lover”—to help create an image.
When using description, it’s important not to overdo it. Otherwise, you can end up with what I call “police blotter” description. For example:
He was tall, with brown hair and blue eyes. He wore a red shirt and jeans, and a brown leather jacket.
IV
Be specific, not vague.
Instead of writing, “I had never felt anything like it before in my entire life,” take the time to try and describe what that feeling was, and then decide how best to convey that feeling to the reader. Your readers will thank you for it.
Good luck, angels! And thankyou for the read!
-Sarah