Dream Catcher Part I & II

Hi, it's me, KJ. It's been a while since we've talked, hasn't it? Anyway, I haven't been around in a while and when I popped in and saw this on the list, I had to check it out.

NITPICKS:

I hear the sound for all that it’s worth.

Its, not it's. And something about this sentence just read off. Reword it so it's smooth and fits in perfectly with the rest of your lovely descriptions.

We’re not “You should take a nap.”

Just missing a punctuation here.

“Pleasant,” I tell her. “But I prefer taking naps without the help of a giant needle in my back.”

When I read this, bells went off in my mind. She's just way too.. nonchalant. She has been attacked and put out, waking up in a strange place. Even the strongest of characters would take a moment, wouldn't they?

OVERALL:

That's it. You're getting so much better, Angel This was really an enjoyable read. There was a little bit of an emotional rollercoaster feeling with your MC, but other than that, I really thought this was something I could see on the shelves.

Keep writing. Sorry I'm so useless

Your friend,

KJ

I'll do my best to review this while I'm reading it - I'm more used to reviewing poetry, but I'm trying to expand my horizon a bit, so I thought this would be a great place to start.

In any event, please forgive me if I make a mistake myself, or something like that.

#FF0000 ">*Note: I'll be skipping over chapter one, since it's already been edited

Here we go:

“Her papers are all set, sir. Would you like me to go over the application once more?” Swirls of color in darkness. They airbrush the page. Just a thought, but it might be better to understand this story if you either indented the first line of each paragraph, or double spaced between the ending of one, and the beginning of another. Just a thought.
“Once more, Karina. We can’t have any errors.”
Suddenly, the image washes over my eyes. I am in an office without windows. The furniture is black, except for the clear vase of yellow Belladonnas. Are those coins at the bottom of the vase?
“It looks like our guest is awake.”
I turn my head toward the man speaking. It’s Giovanni, one of the trackers. He is seated in front of his desk where there is a half-glass of water and a laptop. Hovering beside him is his partner, Karina Hunt. She smiles at me, artificially white teeth glowing.
“How was your nap?” she asks. I have to hold my breath to keep myself from snorting.
“Pleasant,” I tell her. “But I prefer taking naps without the help of a giant needle in my back.” Using my elbow, I rub the spot where I was darted. There’s probably a scar similar to a mutant mosquito bite.
“It’s the standard procedure. Also, you’re a light sleeper.” Giovanni sips more of his drink, brown goatee brushing the top of the glass. A certain sharpness carves his blue eyes. I’m not so sure it’s water anymore.
“Belladonnas, huh?” I change the subject, stabbing a finger at the vase. My legs are numb as I swing them over the couch I’m on. “The Deadly Nightshades?”
“They’re Karina’s favorite flower.”
“Figures…” I mumble to myself, thinking about my last encounter with the flowers.
Amalie Maynard, labeled a desperate psychopath, from my seventh year in Strasbourg ate them. The boy she liked, Conrad Lawley, nicknamed ’the sucker’ by those partial to English, made her. Said he’d give her some of his renown lip action if she did. No one thought she’d do it. Belladonna berries were lethal, everyone knew that, including Conrad. Amalie didn’t seem care. In fact, she swallowed five of them whole before her skin turned scarlet and her throat started burning from the poison. She squirmed on the ground like an earthworm, screaming things I couldn’t quite understand. From afar, I watched, faithful digital camera left behind in the classroom. I didn’t have the power to help her.
“Forget about my favorite flower.” Karina adjusts her cat eye glasses and shuffles her documents. “We need to get these files in order.”
Giovanni waves a hand nonchalantly. A lit cigar magically appears in the other.
“Aaralyn Hart, age fifteen as of the twenty-second of March, finally captured at 49 16 North 123 07 West Are these coordinates? Hmm, you should probabaly put a degrees sign on there (°) so everyone knows what it is. It took me several seconds to work that out.[/b] in Southwest Canada three weeks prior today, the fourteenth of October. Powers still unknown as well as origin. Daughter of the famous astrophysicist Comma James Frederick Hart Another comma and molecular biologist And a comma Sayo Takahashi. Physical appearance: black hair, violet irises, thin build, and white skin. Approximately 162.56 centimeters tall, weighing…” Who's saying this? Karina or Giovanni?
“You don’t have to go that far with my personal information, you know?” I quickly She did it quickly? But that man said a LOT of stuff before she said anything... add. Giovanni throws his bald head back to guffaw before he gestures for her to continue.
“You were a very tricky one to catch, Miss Hart. Your parents were cunning and insubordinate, as are you.” Intolerance glints off her lenses. “We’ve been watching you since you were very young. It wasn’t until your ninth birthday that you eluded Nova’s watchful eye.” So...is Karina saying all of this?
“If I’d known you were watching me I would’ve moved more often.” I grumble between breaths. My parents’ dedication to their fields of study meant that they were constantly on the move; jumping between research centers, institutes, and test sites across the globe. Consequently, they hardly had time for their only daughter. My childhood was mainly composed of me being tossed from place to place like abandoned baggage. I don’t even think I have a hometown.
“Always the feisty one, I see.” Karina places the papers in her folder before inserting it into a machine similar to a paper shredder, only instead of the sound of shredding, it makes a vacuum’s suction noise.
There’s a long, awkward pause before Karina notices me staring at the device fastened in the wall.
“You’ve never seen one?” she asks, eyes curious. “It’s a scanner that converts written documents into digital copies. A translator.”
ExceptA comma goes here, I believe it’s not human.
The words bob in the back of my mind. I should’ve known Karina Hunt, head of Nova’s search team, wouldn’t rely on traditional methods like writing. With the amount of money and superior technology Nova boasts, I’m surprised ballpoint pens still exist on their campus.
Her fingers flirt with the screen beside the opening. Nice way of putting it XD
“I’m assuming she won’t verify her origin or power,” she directs Giovanni. “But we can confirm the strongest we’ve detected her abilities was when her energy levels flew off the charts.”
This makes Giovanni’s face stretch. What do you mean by stretch? I become unsettled.
“Step outside a minute, Aaralyn dear. We’ll be right with you.” Giovanni orders, gaze not leaving Karina’s.
“Whatever you say, master.” Maybe mister would be better? I gripe, hopping off the sofa and slipping out the door. The upper half of my body is stiff from sitting so long on the rock,This comma should probably be a hyphen (-) I mean sofa.
Do I really want to wait outside while they talk about me? Is she thinking to herself? You should probably indicate that by putting this in italics
I convince myself to eavesdrop on my capturers and lodge my shoe in front of the door before it can close. My heart starts beating like A hummingbird‘s, hammering in my chest. I lean my head forward until my ear kisses the door’s surface. I close my eyes.
“We can’t put her through that.” There’s only murmuring at first, and hushed breathing. “She’s not ready. You know all the other panel members have been here more than half their lives! It’s too risky, too dangerous.”
“You know she’s fit for this, Karina. Leonardo has been searching for months to find his new officer. He’s been on our tails, demanding a replacement. We both know he has more authority in this business.” Giovanni’s voice cracks, either in envy or fear.
“The competition is three months away, Gio.”
“Three months is plenty of time!”
“You can’t sharpen a skill unless you know what it is first.”
“But she has so much potential. You remember when we found the others’ extraordinary talents. Salazar and Caspari’s talents were phenomenal, even at such young ages. And Cillian! Such a small boy, and yet he’s an explosion of power.”
“Power is not the only thing we’re dealing with-”
“Even Swift managed to control her riotous power. This girl reminds of Valter, only she’s more of the talker. Both broke the scale, did they not? How can she not be fit?”
“Hush up, Giovanni. You know of Valter’s past dealing with this placement. Speak of his name and he just might have another outburst.” Karina hisses a frigid reply.
“Don’t be so defensive, Karina. Valter tried to break out of here a few times is all. We’ve seen plenty of unsuccessful rebellions in our time.”
“Oh, no.” Karina’s voice turns solemn. I clutch the hem of my shorts, Really? XD palms coated with sweat. “Not like him. You know very well he’s caused a lot of chaos-”
“Eavesdropping I see,” someone whispers from the side.
My spine jerks and I whip around. It’s a girl with hair highlighted bright pink. My heart stops beating.
“Don’t be scared. We won’t snitch on ya.” She winks, thick black lashes coated twice with mascara. Her eyes and lips match the streaks in her hair. They stand out against her skin, white like a blank canvas. “If you’re hanging out at the headquarters, I’m assuming you’re new?” She flashes a cool smile. “I’m Reverie, Reverie Jakoba.” Reverie extends an open hand.
I open my mouth to speak but find no words. I can only stare and wonder what the rest will look like, if they all acted this normal.
“Koba, it’s obvious this idiot isn’t familiar with manners.” A boy appears from behind Reverie and sneers. He wears dark eyes and a scowl unfitting to his ghost-like profile. “She’s not even courteous enough to say it to your face, let alone react.” Shamefaced, my cheeks start to burn.
“Oh…” Reverie recoils her hand, grin falling.
“Wait!” I shout, grabbing her wrist carefully. Reverie and the boy’s eyes instantly flicker into mine. They share power in their gaze, an intensity almost too fervent. “Look, I’m sorry. I’m not accustomed to greetings. It’s really nice, though…feeling welcome.” I manage to resume human function. “I’m Aaralyn.” I hold a hand out to her, praying she doesn’t hate me. “…Aaralyn Hart.”
Reverie’s face lights up and she shakes my hand, nearly ripping it off with sincerity.
“Enchanté.”
“Pleasured meeting you.” I beam, but the shard lodged in my heart can’t help but worry for my new friend. What if she relies on me to protect her? It’s not wise to give trust so freely, but it’s too late now. Reverie sealed the deal and so did I.
“I’m sure you are.” The boy groans, index finger wrapped around the chocolate-colored ribbon of his collar. Reverie shoots him a glare.
“Circa, don’t be rude. You don’t even know her.”
“And I could do without meeting her.” Circa turns on his heel to face her. “Besides, why should I be nice when you rarely are?”
Reverie’s bottom lip quivers. A fist dangles at her side. Another verdict proven guilty? Perhaps there’s more to them than what meets the eye.
“What exactly are you kids doing out here?” The door is now wide open with Karina clawing the knob. Her eyes are narrowed in suspicion. “You know the Nova Headquarters are off-limits to the students.” Reverie smiles impishly while Circa smacks his forehead.
Off limits?
“Donavan sent us here to check the status of Mirage’s officer position-” Reverie’s sentence is cut short.” This shouldn't be here.
“That’s highly classified information, Jakoba. Tell Donavan to quit wasting my time with his personal problems.” Karina digs a heavy heel into the floor.
“Yes, ma’am.” Reverie lets out a sigh and files down the shadowed hall with Circa. Before completely out of view, Reverie yells: “Hope you’re chosen to play for Rave.” And then she’s gone.
*Is this to separate out the last scene from the next one? perhaps a few more asterisks would make that clearer...
The tinted doors slide open. A young boy and girl enter the outside. The boy’s hair is the exact shade of the hazelnut coffee left on a nearby bench: light and creamy. He furrows his browns and scans his surroundings. There is only vacant landscape and the trees. No secret is hidden from them.
You got the papers, Koba? Is someone talking?
Koba flashes a toothy smile.
I always do. Ok, well, this is getting somewhat confusing- I can't tell is someone is talking out loud, or if we're supposed to be hearing someone's thoughts... maybe I really should have read the first part...
She pulls a document from her trench coat.
Who’s the latest catch? Giovanni keeping any secrets from Rave?
Circa examines the silver second hand of his watch. It ticks as it ensues its rotation.
Giovanni’s definitely been holding out on us.
So who is it?
Circa cocks a brow.
Guess. It’s not hard to figure out.
Circa’s hand buries itself in a back pocket. His fingers enfold a tumbled brown tiger’s eye. The stone turns metallic blue.
Koba rocks on her feet and springs herself forward. She lands on the edge of the courtyard fountain, erupting with shrill laughter.
It’s…
* I may not like suspense very much, but this was really well done...

Over all, there wasn't really anything wrong with it, although the last scene was somewhat - no, really confusing, because I couldn't tell who was doing what, and what was talking and what was thinking - that might just be me being slow.

Awesome plot though - I didn't even read the first chapter, yet you had me hook on the first sentence of this one.


Great work!