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140,552 Literary Works • 673,424 Reviews
This piece of writing gave me so many feeling. It was really engaging and when I started reading I felt like I was reading poetry. The description felt amazing to me. WD said
. I call this the Makoto Shinkai style, and I have hard times mastering it, while you...you have it wrapped around your little finger.Even if there wasn't that much background and everything, if it was the first pages of a book I would with no doubt pick it up and read till the end, because it has caught me. You have a great style, and you have alternated from first person to third with no trouble.
I bow to you exquisite visual technique
xD Is it just me, or is everyone except for WB ignoring my piece? I need reviews people-noids
-Shina
Hello angels_symphony! I'm WD and I'm glad you mentioned desiring more reviews on this piece. All in all, you have a very beautiful writing style. Your descriptions are unique and you have a nice, flowing style that lends itself to weaving such vivid images. I very much enjoyed the shift in tone towards the end where you transition from describing such beautiful elements of nature to science. A good, riveting way to end the piece.
The rest of the piece, alas, was not as riveting as the end. I very much enjoy the tactic of taking your reader on a tour of some landscape and scenery early on, but I felt like this had too much 'image' and too little 'character'. I don't know whether this is the very beginning of your chapter or whether it is further in, but, no matter where it is placed, it is still your first chapter--your first chapter to grab the reader and drag them into your story. Your ending did that for me; your beginning did not, and fact is that readers often read the first few paragraphs of a book, and then decide then and there whether they will continue. As I have said, your style is very nice, but it could use some focusing and emphasis on things that are likely to draw the reader in.
You begin with a lovely description if wings. The wings are beautiful, yes, but, as beautiful as your description is, it doesn't bring anything unusual to the table. To be more clear, it doesn't have a distinct, engaging narrator voice, an introduction to an intriguing character or a highly unusual, active way of seeing things. I'll go through these one by one.
1. Narrator Voice
This is written in first person, and thus it is your job to make your narrator irresistibly engaging. Every person has a distinct voice, and this narrator obviously likes describing nature, but you have to focus your narrator sometimes. What is your narrator best at describing? I think your narrator is best at presenting ideas, as exemplified here:
Great. Distinct voice. Chilling subject matter. Dealt with in a unique voice and way. This is a perfect example of what your narrator's voice can do. If this was the first paragraph of your book, I'd dive right in. Now, by comparison:
Again, this description is gorgeous, but the narrator provides no significant window into her personality or into the ideas of the story. The opening description is simply gorgeous, but it's not engaging. It could be if you let your narrator color it more, but right now it just sets a scene. Which is fine and lovely, but opening paragraphs must be multi-dimensional. Characters intrigue more than setting, so really listen to your narrator for a little while and decide where she wants to put the emphasis. Your narrator does have a distinct voice; I just want to see it earlier so it pulls me in. Weave this foreboding you shift to throughout, incorporate her description if ideas--really focus on the elements of her voice. It will work wonders to make this more engaging.
2. Introducing your Character
This ties into narrator voice slightly, but in a scene where you first introduce a character, the character has to seize you. This can be done through narrator voice or by other modes of characterization, but your characters are the foundation of your story, so reach up and drag your reader in immediately. Again, near the end we get some lovely characterization through narrator voice and first person narration, but at the beginning, your narrator is very vague.
Again, beautiful descriptions, but the things she does do are in direct reaction with nature, and we see very little of her face, movements, feelings or motives in this beginning. Yes, you can pack all that into a few reactions. In example:
This is excellent writing and description, but we get her wistfulness and her actions and that's about it. This is one of those moments where you can pack in all sorts of characterization detail. I don't mean a wealth of adjectives. I mean detail. Are her fingers shaking as she traces the wings? What visceral sensations is she experieing aside from a throbbing heart? What emotional/physical reaction does she have to this moment of pretending? Consider all these things. Characters are the most effective trap you can lay to pull readers into your story, so really take the time to choose your detail.
You have fantastic descriptive detail, but your characterization detail seems lacking, and that's where I, personally, think the emphasis should be. Think about emphasis for yourself and choose your detail accordingly. And don't forget that your character and how intriguing she comes across is going to be the largest factor in how enamored the reader is in your story.
3. Active and Engaging Writing
As I have said, your descriptions are beautiful, but one other thing I think you can do to make this beginning more engaging is try to make the descriptions more active. You do this well at some points, using verbs of motion to describe the dynamic components of your setting, but I feel like you can do more... namely by avoiding copulative verbs. Namely the verb 'to be'
Again, this is beautiful, but your first line uses the word 'is'. The verb 'to be' is quite wonderful, but it tends to convey a static mood, a setting that is not changing, that simply 'is'. This is okay for some settings, but here you have a butterfly flying and I feel like you are trying to give us a brief tour of your setting. Static mood does not help this. If you're going to pull the reader in with this, you want to make the reader feel like they're moving. Try this on for example: "The wings quiver like flower petals." Maybe not the image you were going for, but read that loud and then read your next sentence. It's more engaging. It's a more vivid image because we get specific motion rather than an 'equal sign' that is the verb 'to be'
It's a tiny thing, but I think keeping a dynamic mood in mind will be extremely helpful to make this piece more engaging. Go through your verbs and really try to make the reader feel and see the motion. Read aloud for rhythm, watch out for static mood. It will help.
Overall, a nice piece. I really enjoyed the ending and I'd be interested to see where this fits in with the overarching picture of this chapter. Hope this helped and nice job. Keep writing! PM me if you have any questions.
Hey! Irish here!
So, I agree with CreativeFreak! It was very good, and I liked the thought behind it. It was a little confusing but that was probably because I started choking on milk halfway through reading it and I think I re-started in the wrong place. So its probably fine!
The metaphors were great and the description was beautiful!
Didn't see any spelling errors or anything. And I think your beginning is fine!
Keep up the good work!
-Irish
This was extremely good! I liked it a lot, all the metaphors make it interesting and pulls me more into it, but I think more explanation should be added on. Like why she is in the house or why she has to pretend?
Keep up the writing.
I know you don't have to explain everything in the first chapter, you shouldn't, but little by little there should be some at least.
Very good start, like I commented before, I liked it a LOT!
I didn't really find any problems with it, good job.
-Creative