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140,552 Literary Works • 673,424 Reviews
That was amazing. I want to read more! You made the President such a lively character that I can picture every description of him. I like how you described the government. It lets us understand where you're coming from and where you plan on going in the future with the antagonist. I loved your story and can't wait for the next installment (there better be one). I can only advise you to check your grammar and punctuation a little more, but other than that, it was great!
Thanks Vyper ^^
xD Yeah, my old storybook. I started it and made my protagonist, but then as we went along, I began to have this urge to hog all of the positions and make them who I wanted them to be. So I stopped the storybook altogether and eventually made all of the characters my own.
This is the preface? Prologue? I'm not sure yet, but I have the rest of the chapters from when I was writing in one of my useless classes =_=
I needed a jumpstart with the editing, so I posted on YWS~!
1st person does seem hard in other people's opinion, but actually, it's my favorite POV. What I do is I change the perspective. Rather than being the narrative voice from high above like in 3rd person and seeing my characters as people around me, I like being my character because they actually are bits and pieces of me.
Some other writers usually make themselves the protagonist and never put themselves into the antagonist, which really is a shame.
Thanks again for the review ^^
Heya. I thought I recognized the name from the Storybook that (sadly) died, so I thought I'd go here to review it. It really was an interesting storybook.
There is just something that isn't right about this part of the sentence. You say vibrating hum, yet it's a given that all hums vibrate. It's kind of redundant. You can remove the 'vibrating', I think.
Breaking off an arm isn't exactly possible. Ripping it off, cutting it off, yes, but breaking something off usually implies a clean snap. Breaking something off probably wouldn't be the right term. Breaking an arm, pulling it off, I think those would be possible.
This is also quite redundant. If you say life long, then that means it will last until the very last second of your life. Permanence means something that will never go away, ever. Maybe a decision that will last for a lifetime would be better suited.
Using the word had as opposed to have would imply that before, they had power, but now they have lost it. I think you should change it.
That should be rode but aside from that, it's my favorite line. The vivid description, not at all dull or boring, really helped us get an idea of what he looks like.
breathe
If you're starting a new paragraph, but it is still the same person speaking with no indication like 'he said' or 'she paused' or etcetera, then you should have quotation marks at the beginning of the next paragraph. So, it would look like this:
"Any breaking of the rules will result in immediate loss of points or temporary suspension. The challenge has no time limit until further notice.
"The point system is as follows: points will be given depending on the power of the dream.
I got the impression that the president is a very wordy man, using formal vocabulary and etcetera. But here, ending with 'call the shots' kind of ruined that feeling. It doesn't fit the way he speaks.
Mid-afternoon usually makes me think of around 3-4 in the afternoon, and dusk is around 5 30 - 6 30. It's kind of a wide gap, and I think you should say late afternoon, to better give the sense of urgency. The way you write it now makes it sound like one second, they're here, and the next, they're two hours in the future.
Well, otherwise, I enjoyed the piece. It makes me want to read more, and the narrator's personality is very well conveyed. I liked how you could make everything flow together, human rights into emotions, into dreams, and then to the subject of the competition. It sounds natural.
I'm surprised to see this in first person perspective, however. It's generally very difficult to write in that POV, since you can't get into the heads of other people. But, I feel that you've done this pretty well. I'll look forward to seeing more of Aaralyn and Shira.