Young Writers Society

Well, this is the first chapter of your story I've read, but I'll give it a crack anyway.

“Then why did you-”

For parts like this, a triple period works better. So it would be "Then why did you..."

“Jade, for once in your life could you just relax?” She sounded it more like a statement.

I'm not sure if the last part works well enough. Maybe you could put it as "it sounded more like a statement".

Although it was short, I rather liked it. Your characters stand out as original and the dialogue felt very natural. I didn't get a really good look into your story since it was so short, but I'm pretty sure everything else would hold up. Anyway, good job. It was very well written.

Hello. I haven't read the previous 49 chapters (that's a lot), but I hope I can still help (even if that only means bumping this thread to the top of the list)

her legs laid out [s]right[/s] in front of her.

Doesn't really need the extra word.

There wasn’t a trace of amusement, sarcasm, or enthusiasm shining in her eyes. Instead, an air of sobriety surrounded her like a force field.

Good description.

I nudged her with my knee and placed my arms behind my head [s]like[/s] to cushion it.

The phrasing seemed a bit colloquial. Don't know whether it was a typo or whatever.

The description at the end was really good by the way.