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The Promise of the World

by AlyTheBookworm


Note: My first freeform poem without a rhyme scheme. I wrote it quickly, so it’s a bit messy- but it’s another love letter to something I like and I had fun writing it.

Enjoying it might be dependent on understanding all the references, but there are some more universal themes/feelings in it as well so I hope it’s not too confusing.

If you got the references, let me know which one is your favorite :)


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.

Oh, tonight

I am so tired,

But there’s a song for that.

Just the tap of a thumbnail and

The Name of Life

Breathes its healing hope into me,

That I could never find alone

In my apathy.

. . .

. .

.

Wrestling to escape

My restless thoughts,

I seek haven in

The Promise of the World.

Its silent promise of the joy of life to come

Blessed release for those who wait

With forgiving faith

And peaceful patience

In this

Land of the Impure.

. .

.

The burden

Of a heavy heart is

Slowly sinking, smothering me

Until

I am lifted up to soar, in the

Cave of Mind.

Amid a cloud of silver-bright scales,

Tinkling like bells, or clinking shells,

I fly with the crescendo,

Cradled in the arms of the

Reprise.

.

Buoyed up by the swelling strings,

Bursting drums sustaining, become my surrogate heartbeat,

Martial, crying chords, my rushing lifeblood,

They give me the strength, the

Will to Live,

To breathe.

To remember that

There is more to be had, to be done,

There is something more

to animate my soul,

and..

It’s Love, Isn’t It?

. . .

. .

.

Well.

I’ll get on that train, someday.

Make it to

The Sixth Stop,

And put everything down

For good.

But for now, these small

Lovely things

Are enough.

. .

.

And they are

Always With Me.

.

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Mon Dec 21, 2020 3:34 am
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Liminality wrote a review...



Hi there, Aly!

I thought this was a creative poem, using song titles to describe the speaker's feelings about music. The concept and the structure I found pretty neat, and there were some images in there that stood out to me as well.

Language

I am lifted up to soar, in the
Cave of Mind.
Amid a cloud of silver-bright scales,
Tinkling like bells, or clinking shells,
I fly with the crescendo,
Cradled in the arms of the
Reprise.


I quite like the song references, actually. Even though I've not listened to most of them, the titles kind of gave me the gist of it. The one above was my favourite, because 'Cave of Mind' is such an evocative image. It gives a sense of protection almost, of elevation from worries. The sound-related images like "tinkling" and "clinking" shells also match the visual ones like "silver-bright scales". Overall, they create this connotation of lightness, air and flight which I really enjoyed, which is why I found this set of images to be the strongest in the poem.

Oh, tonight
I am so tired,
But there’s a song for that.


I think here you might have been going for a lethargic mood to contrast with the really strong emotion in the next few stanzas after the music starts 'playing' so to speak. The beginning stanzas didn't quite do it for me, though, maybe because it felt a bit rushed, with just two lines about lethargy and then suddenly interrupting with 'but'. I would have loved to see a bit more of a scene being set up. Where is the speaker? Are they lying down in bed after a rough day? Is it dark in the room or painfully bright?

If you're ever revising this poem or maybe just writing a new one, I think something cool to experiment with would be trying to create a unified theme of images across all stanzas, or maybe even just a few repeating motifs. For example, what if in the first stanza, you use images of a silent, empty corridor to symbolise that lethargy instead of saying it outright? Or maybe you could describe the muffled quiet of a stuffy dorm room? Just something to think about.

Structure

Buoyed up by the swelling strings,
Bursting drums sustaining, become my surrogate heartbeat,
Martial, crying chords, my rushing lifeblood,
They give me the strength, the
Will to Live,
To breathe.


This part of the stanza was my favourite because of how the sound techniques create tension. I absolutely loved reading through "Buoyed . . . Bursting . . . " because they marked that shift in tone to one of energy in such a delightful and unexpected way.

Breathes its healing hope into me,
That I could never find alone
In my apathy.


I do like that you used a sneaky little rhyme here to create cohesion at the end of the first stanza. I also think it's fitting that the rhyming words are "me" and "apathy", which seems to emphasise the sort of lethargic mood of the first stanza.


Miscellaneous

I thought the patterns of dots you used to separate the stanzas was a nice touch. I don't know, it's just visually appealling to me somehow.

The overall shape of the poem is real interesting as well. Somehow having everything centre-aligned and 'swelling' in the middle of each stanza kind of matches up with the feel of the music you're describing to me.


That's all

Overall, the concept of the poem, especially structure-wise, I think gives a fresh take on music, which is hard to do given that it's a common subject for poetry. I also adore the middle stanzas in terms of imagery, and the song references were apt and didn't break the flow too much.

Hopefully you found these comments helpful - and keep writing!

Cheers,
-Lim






Thanks so much for the review Lim! c:
I wasn't loving the beginning, but I couldn't figure out why, so this was super helpful. Whether I decide to edit this or not, I'll keep that advice in mind for when I write more free-form poems in the future.



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Wed Dec 16, 2020 11:14 pm
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Lionhero333 wrote a review...



Hey there

Firstly I wanna say that when it comes to anything you write don't worry if people can understand all the underlining details. Especially with poems I think. Im not an expert by any means but most of the time the reader is gonna come up with their own interpretation of your writing. Even with narrative people come up with fanfiction and their own ideas. So dont worry about needing your work to be understood your way just that it can be understood and felt in some way by the reader

Second, this was a great poem. If your looking for criticism... I dont have any Im not even gonna lie. This was great. I must admit some of those lines felt like they were tv shows or song titles but I didnt pay much attention. I envisioned myself in the rain boarding a train losing love and or what I thought was love and still searching for the real thing.

10/10 5 stars the whole thing, great work here😁👍






Thanks! Glad you liked it c:





Thanks! Glad you liked it c:




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