-an instant
No ground beneath my feet,
So sudden, that intake of breath,
In the lull that swallows me,
As the world slips and slides and,
Rolls to the rhythm of
Your voice.
.
Like shifting sand in a sieve
Rewriting reality, word by word
You don’t know the sway you hold
How I melt into clay to mold, in
Your hands.
.
Soft and pliable, EASY.
Easy girl;
Words to boil blood
And choke with rage and
Still I’m no less bound
By the whims of idle fingers
And unseeing eyes, blind to
What lives behind mine.
.
Bastard.
Beloved.
.
I can’t tell you
To let go of me,
When I cling to your hands
Like bits of clay.
.
Swept up
By your gravity,
Tossed into orbit,
The Sun can’t hear
The whispers of moons,
Who beg to see their light
Reflected
In his eyes,
Even though,
From 93 million miles away,
Fire burns bright
But cold.
.
Regardless;
He does not look.
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139,506 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Good [insert greeting]!
First off, I love the feel of your poem. It begins almost softly, lulling the reader into a feeling of deep love. Then it takes a darker turn, exposing what the narrator’s relationship is like on the inside. By the end of your poem, it almost seems as if the narrator was never in a relationship with this person at all, and it was a just a forlorn wish. That was my interpretation anyway.
In particular, I love the way you used clay as an analogy to how the narrator feels with this person. And then later, I loved how you touched back on that by describing the way the narrator couldn’t let go using the previous clay analogy.
They was you round you whole poem together was great as well. I’m not talking about the end, although it was a good ending. I’m talking about the title. It really draws attention to the true meaning behind the poem, even if it was only mentioned in passing in the actual work.
Anyway, I really loved your poem, and hope to see more of your work around soon! Stay safe and keep writing!
-Lizzy
Thanks for the review Lizzy! c:
Hi, AlyTheBookworm, Pineapple here for a small review!
I absolutely loved your poem. It was a short, relatable one about unrequited love. It seemed so realistic and I bet a lot of youngsters could relate to it. The analogy of the sun and moon was a beautiful touch too. It reminded me of how when we have a crush on someone, we so wish they could listen to our feelings instead of us having to confess them.
My favorite lines were "I can't tell you/ to let go of me/ when I cling to your hands/ like bits of clay". That was such a creative stanza.
Overall, fantastic job and I can't wait to see more of your writing!
Signed,
Pineapple
Thanks!