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E - Everyone

Deficiency

by AlyTheBookworm


.

I don’t go outside to warm my skin when it’s bright

I eat tiny round tablets of surrogate light

vitamin D

for yet another deficiency

in this room without day, without night

.

.

I don’t make the meals that I eat

but receive them from strangers behind glass windows

don’t walk in the snow, in the rain, or the heat

but see the world through bright screens, pixels, letters in rows

.

.

I don’t laugh any longer

just text “lol” and send smiling emojis

screens are cold, it's easy to lie that I’m stronger

when my pictures and posts make life look like a breeze

.

.

I don’t need family, a purpose, a friend

when there’s packaged emotion and actors live life in my place

cords stopping up ears, drowning out reality to lend

a moment of meaning, a fleeting joy I can’t chase

.

.

why leave the illusion, venture into the real

when I can experience life through earbuds and screens

sink into a dreamworld, to distract, soothe, conceal

and ignore what this life, or what anything means

.

.

I don’t go outside to warm my skin when it’s bright

don’t speak to others, laugh, joke, or agree

just fade into movies- fake romance, fake fights

because for a moment

it frees me

.

.

.

from yet another deficiency


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87 Reviews


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Thu Apr 02, 2020 5:39 pm
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Hkumar wrote a review...



Hey!
Such a lovely and sweet poem. It is so relatable and engaging. I loved the format as well, I guess it made it more appealing. It gives a reflection of the virtual world that we have created for ourselves and how we are trapped in it. I thought of pointing out my favourite part but then when I went on reading I realised your entire poem is so amazing! Each part is so nicely expressed.
The line where you mentioned about just texting a lol or smiley emoji just to lie about your true emotions, is so true. We never actually know what the other person is feeling through these window screens. The idea of loosing touch with our kin and isolating ourselves is so nicely described. Your poem is a mirror for today's generation. Loved the title and it's use in your poem!

Keep writing :)






Thank-you for the review Hkumar :)



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Tue Mar 31, 2020 1:49 pm
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Anamel wrote a review...



Easily this poem could be one of a few representations of the 21st century. It also reflects, unfortunately, the life of some people that have become so engrossed in the Internet and mindless consumption that they've forgotten how to socialize and become present in the outside world. It also reminds me of the hikikomori lifestyle. When the Internet becomes a person's only world they can also be easily influenced by it and online groups. Your poem is very good at conveying this dead and lifeless energy. Ironically I take vitamin D because I don't go outside all that much(lol).

I also like your format, it feels fresh compared to the blocky style that's usually seen. It gives the poem that lonely separation that boosts the power of the poem's message. If someone tells you to add periods and grammar and excessive commas and whatnot, I suggest against that because the way you've set up this poem only adds to it.

'I don’t need family, a purpose, a friend

when there’s packaged emotion, actors live life in my place'
Strong theme of supplementation and premade ideals and packages of dopamine here, I really like it. However, a small thing to add, I recommend replacing the comma with an and instead. It sounds a bit disjointed with just the comma.

Your poem also shows the toxicity of the comfort zone. If the narrator were to make an attempt to walk into the light, it would be blinding and scary so staying in the darkness is easier. Overall, I don't see any problems with your poem and the format supports rather than takes away.






I agree, that line would flow better with an "and". I'm glad that the message came across clearly! Thank-you for the review Anamel :)



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Tue Mar 31, 2020 9:00 am
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Gravitem wrote a review...



An amazing poem. The first one of its kind that I have come across. It felt like a stroke of white light on the crystal ball of our presumptuos lives. It is amazing how you have made express of emotions in a simple but at the same time in a way that opens a lot of room for thought - a poem that can be looked at and percieved in different ways. You have a beautiful and flawless style and though it is flawless, one can always get better at something.

Please keep writing. Your words can instil hope in people who have none. Poetry may be vague, but to those that desperately need something to relate to, your poem may offer much.






Thanks for the review Mithrin. I'm glad you enjoyed it :)



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Mon Mar 30, 2020 11:34 pm
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LadyGemstone wrote a review...



This is Gem popping out of her Jewelrybox for another review.

This poem is light yet really meaningful. It is awesome that you could give the gravity of this poem a rhythm to hang so lightly on. It must have been a precarious peice to write, or heck I won't put it past you, maybe you are just that good. I love that this peice conveys its meaning without dropping you down in the dumps. It is a light yet powerful peice. I really enjoyed reading this and I found nothing wrong with it... :)

Keep up the good work!

Keep writing!

This is Gem crawling back into her Jewelrybox for a nap.






Thanks for the review Gem! <3



LadyGemstone says...


Thank you for the awesome piece Aly. <333



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Mon Mar 30, 2020 10:08 pm
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EthanHoover says...



Beautiful poem! I'm not going to make this a review, because I have nothing to critique, but I wanted to say that the rhymes are so effortless I almost didn't notice them, so kudos! Keep up the good work!






Thanks! I love your poetry so that means a lot. :)



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Mon Mar 30, 2020 9:40 pm
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Alfonso22 wrote a review...



This is truly beautiful and very meaningful poem written with a masterful command of the English. I like how you weave the concepts around a rhyming pattern of aabba in the first stanza, and yet easily avoid sounding unnatural followed by cdcd in the second one. efef in the third stanza and so on. Very hard to really notice because of the smooth flow of thought which is good. Concluding with a five-line stanza followed by a concluding line shows careful planning. Yet so smooth does it flow, that it seems totally effortless. Great work, Looking forward to reading more of your work.

The only thing that caught my attention, which is minor, is the line:

"I don’t go outside to warm my skin when it’s bright"

What is the pronoun "it" referring to, the skin or "outside"? I concluded that it refers to outside because it fits in with the theme. But it did make me pause to ponder. Will it make other readers pause to ponder? Are you seeking that effect?






Thank-you for the review Alfonso! I don't write much poetry and always felt that I was better suited to prose, so I'm glad that you liked it.

"It" is referring to the "outside". If I can find a better way to clarify that, I'll change that line to make it less confusing.



Alfonso22 says...


Well, you could have fooled me. You are a great poet IMHO. :) Perhaps the word "myself" can replace the word "skin"?




If I seem to wander, if I seem to stray, remember that true stories seldom take the straightest way.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind