My heart is breaking,
been breaking for so long -
didn't even realise.
Didn't even realise.
The damage is bad and I cry,
it's extensive even.
Although I think I'll survive,
I'll survive.
And now it's been beating, broken like this
for so, so long.
I knew something was off,
Knew something was off.
But not this bad.
Although thanks to you,
I'll find a way because
I always do.
You keep me together,
yet you don't have a clue,
do you?
Do you?
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,609 Literary Works • 672,052 Reviews
Hi there ABC,
So your poem deals with the fairly cliche theme of being "broken hearted" and I interpret it to be a out a speaker who for whatever reason is feeling like they've lost this relationship and have mixed negative emotions about it.
This theme has been covered countless times and it's hard to use the phrase broken hearted without readers immediately making assumptions of hyped-up drama and generic immature love. I feel like the theme can be rescued if the poet brings their own spin or originality to the topic but I didn't quite get that sense from your poem.
Some suggestions:
Get specific- don't talk about a generic relationship, but make the poem concrete. Give the readers concrete specific reasons why the speaker feels broken and why the person they lost was so great. This gives the reader a bit more to connect to, and builds up some narrative, character development & empathy.
Other suggestion - use your metaphors in more interesting ways. Bring something new to the "broken" metaphor or simply pick a new one.
I think the capitalization also felt inconsistent in the poem, so take a second look at why you're capitalizing where you are.
Good luck!
alliyah
Alliyah.
Apologies for not getting back to you sooner. Thank you for your comments, they really appreciated!
ABC123
You're welcome!
Hello, Anniepoo here to leave you a review on this amazing poem. First of all, there seem to be some typos. One example of this is how "don't" in your third line is lowercase and on the fourth line is is capital. I suggest keeping this consistent so your readers are not distracted by it.
Well crap, I am running out of time to write this, I apologize. But have no fear, I will return
Thanks Anniepoo103, your comments are much appreciated. ABC123
Hi @ABC123 am here to do a quick review on your work. So lets get right into it shell we. First of I really like how smooth this is, and how the lines just feel up lifting. Before I really get into it I am just going to say that I give you a real thumps up for this one.
Okay so these first lines that melted my heart, I just feel this poem waving though me.
One thing though before I forget realise is spelt wrong.
realise>realize
So just a really small thing that is easy to change.
Loved these warm following lines as well. I just feel like this poem is real and that its really happening. Images are coming to life. When I started reading this poem with all these lines I started singing it as a song. Lovely work, it has a great flow.
Okay so I really do like this, but I just think that the top line needs a bit of work. So I am going to put this in Suggestions, everything that I ad and change will be in bold.
Lovely lines here I really feel the emotions soaring to though the air here. I can feel you building up your strength again. All the time my heart was beating to the words. Being filled with life.
I think that this is a great way to end this poem. It is great to read I love everything. I just feel like you really expressed your self a lot in this one poem. This poem really mad my day. you started and ended it really well.
Suggestions
So that is all that I can say. If was being to hash or mean then I am really sorry. So keep up the great poem writing here. I loved reading this your a great writer with poetry. I look forward to hearing more from you.
So have a great Day/Night
@Dossereana Out In The Sky Of Reviews
Dear Dossereana.
Thank you much for your lovely review, your comments have been taken into account.
ABC123
your welcome, I am glade that I could help.