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Breaking heart

by ABC123


My heart is breaking,

been breaking for so long -

didn't even realise.

Didn't even realise.

The damage is bad and I cry, 

it's extensive even.

Although I think I'll survive,

I'll survive.

And now it's been beating, broken like this

for so, so long.

I knew something was off, 

Knew something was off.

But not this bad.

Although thanks to you,

I'll find a way because 

I always do.

You keep me together,

yet you don't have a clue,

do you?

Do you?


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847 Reviews


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Wed Sep 25, 2019 9:43 pm
alliyah wrote a review...



Hi there ABC,

So your poem deals with the fairly cliche theme of being "broken hearted" and I interpret it to be a out a speaker who for whatever reason is feeling like they've lost this relationship and have mixed negative emotions about it.

This theme has been covered countless times and it's hard to use the phrase broken hearted without readers immediately making assumptions of hyped-up drama and generic immature love. I feel like the theme can be rescued if the poet brings their own spin or originality to the topic but I didn't quite get that sense from your poem.

Some suggestions:
Get specific- don't talk about a generic relationship, but make the poem concrete. Give the readers concrete specific reasons why the speaker feels broken and why the person they lost was so great. This gives the reader a bit more to connect to, and builds up some narrative, character development & empathy.

Other suggestion - use your metaphors in more interesting ways. Bring something new to the "broken" metaphor or simply pick a new one.

I think the capitalization also felt inconsistent in the poem, so take a second look at why you're capitalizing where you are.

Good luck!

alliyah
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Fri Aug 23, 2019 3:25 pm
Anniepoo103 wrote a review...



Hello, Anniepoo here to leave you a review on this amazing poem. First of all, there seem to be some typos. One example of this is how "don't" in your third line is lowercase and on the fourth line is is capital. I suggest keeping this consistent so your readers are not distracted by it.
Well crap, I am running out of time to write this, I apologize. But have no fear, I will return




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Tue Aug 13, 2019 1:29 am
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Dossereana wrote a review...



Hi @ABC123 am here to do a quick review on your work. So lets get right into it shell we. First of I really like how smooth this is, and how the lines just feel up lifting. Before I really get into it I am just going to say that I give you a real thumps up for this one.

My heart is breaking,

been breaking for so long -

didn't even realise.

Didn't even realise.

Okay so these first lines that melted my heart, I just feel this poem waving though me.
One thing though before I forget realise is spelt wrong.
realise>realize
So just a really small thing that is easy to change.

The damage is bad and I cry,

it's extensive even.

Although I think I'll survive,

I'll survive.

Loved these warm following lines as well. I just feel like this poem is real and that its really happening. Images are coming to life. When I started reading this poem with all these lines I started singing it as a song. Lovely work, it has a great flow.

It's been beating, broken like this

for so, so long.
Okay so I really do like this, but I just think that the top line needs a bit of work. So I am going to put this in Suggestions, everything that I ad and change will be in bold.

I knew something was off,

Knew something was off.

But not this bad.

Although thanks to you,

I'll find a way because

I always do.

Lovely lines here I really feel the emotions soaring to though the air here. I can feel you building up your strength again. All the time my heart was beating to the words. Being filled with life.

You keep me together,

yet you don't have a clue,

do you?

Do you?

I think that this is a great way to end this poem. It is great to read I love everything. I just feel like you really expressed your self a lot in this one poem. This poem really mad my day. you started and ended it really well.

Suggestions

It's been beating, and now its been broken like this


So that is all that I can say. If was being to hash or mean then I am really sorry. So keep up the great poem writing here. I loved reading this your a great writer with poetry. I look forward to hearing more from you.

So have a great Day/Night

@Dossereana Out In The Sky Of Reviews




ABC123 says...


Dear Dossereana.
Thank you much for your lovely review, your comments have been taken into account.
ABC123



Dossereana says...


your welcome, I am glade that I could help.




A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing.
— Oscar Wilde