I miss the sound
of your calming voice
my only escape
from the constant noise.
Sitting lonely in my room,
I can still hear the sound
that's been haunting me
since you left town.
The phone lies dormant,
no sound to be heard,
and the world remains silent,
deprived of any word.
My thoughts fall astray,
thinking of the days
when your whisper
was only inches away.
There's this missing part,
a longing in my heart,
a need for you
too strong to subdue.
My eyes drift to the phone,
feeling so alone
but finally you call
and it's okay after all.
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Canary word: Present
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hey! It's Myth here with a review and I hope you see this someday and it's of help.
Overall, there's a lot to visualise as I go in this poem. Every description and every symbol like the 'phone' you use to express anxiety and impatience can be understood with both the literal interpretation and a deeper look.'
Some more examples of this?
It is funny how a device that is meant to broaden our world only makes it smaller and more suffocating. We wait for a specific someone to text us or call and it chokes us dry of all the air we need to stay alive. Which is why I think that the phone is a very effective symbol to depict your feelings and you were right in choosing it.
About the rhyme scheme? It was an 'a b c b d e d e f g f g...' and so on. It rhymed at regular intervals and gave the poem a nice little rhythm. Again, efficient. Although there were instances where you broke off from this, I wouldn't worry about it too much. After all, it's not the technical aspect that matters. It is how you deliver words and place them together. How the poem sounds, and how intense your feelings buried within each word seems.
I found this to be a wholesome read.
Keep writing!
Yours sincerely,
Myth
__|_|__
Hey 1nspire!! This was some really good poetry!! (Something I struggle to write myself
)
I was wondering what rhyme scheme you wanted in this piece- as it is obvious that you have one-
"The phone lies dormant,
no sound to be heard,
and the world remains silent,
deprived of any word."
It appeared that you were writing in sonnet form there at the beginning- ABAB CDCD and so forth, but in this line-
"Sitting lonely in my room,
I can still hear the sound
that's been haunting me
since you left town."
- you break that pattern. Is that intentional? If so, don't mind me rambling here!
If not, I'd like to suggest some synonyms that would complete the scheme a bit more.
Sitting lonely in my room,
I can still hear the sound
that's filled me with gloom
since you left town."
That follows ABAB if you'd like to use it!
Other than that rhyming stuff I really don't have much to add- this was flat out really well done and I enjoyed reading it!
~ my favorite part was:
"I miss the sound
of your calming voice
my only escape
from the constant noise."
~ it has some spunky slant rhyme and I like that
Thank you so much, I appreciate the review!
Hi dear ..
I feel the pain in your writing . It was wonderful. Your narration was nice. I liked when you compare the silence of the room as noise . it tells how misses him so much.
But i would like if you add why you didn't call him. At the end at least you call him .
Thanks for the comment!
greetings 1 nspire!
firstly. loved this . it is so good.
the plot is amazing. you waiting for the phone call. and the way you presented it is lit.
the rhyming is on point and the selection of words is commendable. the emotion is perfectly portrayed through your piece. it was a smart choice to use the stanza of four, giving it perfect format .
my favourite stanza was:
"My thoughts fall astray,
thinking of the days
when your whisper
was only inches away."
actually the whole poem is my favourite.(winks*)
keep up the good work. i loved the piece.
hope to hear from you soon.
__chitz__
Thank you so much!