Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Realistic

E - Everyone

Through the Snow

by 1nspire

I doubt I'll sleep tonight

now that you're out of sight,

watching you walk away,

I hope that you'll be alright.

As the taillights fade,

I wish I could beg for you to stay;

there's no way to stop the tears

from streaming down my face.

Sirens ring throughout my ears,

each one strengthening the fear

that when I rise

you won't be here. 

You promised that it would be alright,

that everything would be fine,

but the words seemed hollow

even if they weren't a lie.

Every time I watch you go,

driving off into the snow,

I just say a prayer

that you'll be back tomorrow.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Is this a review?



User avatar
492 Reviews

Points: 5507
Reviews: 492

Mon Jan 21, 2019 8:27 am
Holysocks wrote a review...

Hey there! Care for a review?

This is a cool poem. I think the biggest reason I like it is the subject you picked and the sentiment behind it. Firstly, you don't often see a love poem for someone other than a romantic interest. And secondly, I find that people tend to have unrealistically high standards for plow workers. Hearing people complain how this road and that road aren't plowed as timely as people would like, etc. But what people seldom realize is that a. there's often an incredibly large area that the snow falls, thus, it's hard to get to EVERYTHING the second it happens- I remember my coworker, who's husband was a snow plow driver, mentioning this to me.

And then, like in this poem, another thing that people don't realize is that these people have to leave their families on a moments notice, plow at any hour, and often even sleep away from their families, if they're working in a different town (correct me if I'm wrong). In any case, I was really glad to see a work on this!

One thing that I thought I might mention, was that you did pretty well with the rhyme scheme in this poem. But I kinda feel like it didn't do much for this poem. Maybe it's just me, but I find that rhyme-poems can really take the genuineness out of a poem. I think because often with rhyming, a poet may sacrifice what they really want to say, for a rhyme that sorta makes sense.

The other thing I thought could use some strengthening is the feeling in this poem. I felt like the story here was a really great foundation: a person's love for their father, and fearing seeing him drive off into the snowy night. But we don't really feel that fear. We don't really know what it's like. So how can you show us? Part of it can simply be using stronger images. The narrator is crying in this, but tears and all that are pretty usual ways of saying sadness. What are some other ways that you could convey the fear and anxiety that is being felt? Don't just tell us what's being felt- really try to paint the picture of it. Something that I think can sorta help get the idea for how to go about this, is trying to describe a colour- like red, without using the typical cliche words that are associated with red. Like anger and fire. Try to think outside of the norm for red. Try to capture the essence of the colour.

Anyway, I hope this was somewhat helpful! And I hope I see more from you in the future! C:


User avatar
562 Reviews

Points: 14535
Reviews: 562

Sat Jan 19, 2019 2:36 pm
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...

Hi, Shikora here with a review.

Lets get to it.

Wow this is a really nice poem you have here. I really like the name you have chosen, when I saw it, I new I had to read this poem, and I'm glad I did, I really like it, and you chose a really good name to go with it to.
I also like the emotion you put into your poem, it helped me as the reader to know how your feeling.

I did see one small thing though.

that you'll be back tomorrow

So this is the last sentence in the poem so it should have a full stop.

But other then that I can't see anything else that needs to be fixed.

Well that's all from me. I really liked reading and reviewing this for you. I hope to see more of your works on YWS, so I can read more of your works. Never stop writing and have a great day/night.

Your friend
Shikora. :D

1nspire says...

Thank you so much for the review! I'll be sure to fix the last line. Have a great day/night!

Glad I could help! :)

[as a roleplayer is feeling sad about torturing her characters] RavenLord: "You're a writer, dear. Embrace it."
— RavenLord