Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Realistic

E - Everyone

For Every Laugh

by 1nspire


If I had a grain of sand
for every laugh you've caused
the largest desert couldn't compete.

There's no way to express
how happy you've made me.

If I had a dollar
for every smile you created
I'd be the richest person in the world.

I'll never understand how I
got lucky enough to be your girl.

Thank you for everything
that I couldn't possibly repay;
please know that writing this
is taking all my strength.

You did nothing wrong,
but I can't stay,
I want you to understand
that it's better this way.

Because I have a drop of water
for every time I've cried
and to stop myself from drowning,
I need to say goodbye.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar


Points: 0
Reviews: 1

Donate
Thu Apr 18, 2019 8:42 pm
Briely says...



Omg! This is o good! I can totaly relate!




User avatar
59 Reviews


Points: 4314
Reviews: 59

Donate
Wed Apr 17, 2019 10:24 pm
OofOof1 wrote a review...



Hello, you're very lucky because I'm reviewing your poem. (Masterpiece)


Okay so what I liked about it is that you use the metaphor for the first paragraph or stanza of your poem. It made much sense that your friend, or whoever you wrote it for makes mostly everybody laughs every day. You know I really like those types of people.


I also really liked your way of punctuating the sentences,and also to capitalize the first line of the poem or not. That's an interesting writing style.

Do I really have that much feedback for you, no. In fact I don't have much feedback for you at all. I went over this poem and it seemed like everything was perfect. The punctuation was good, the spelling was great,the point that you use metaphors in your poem was just astonishing. I couldn't even do better with these poems.


To summarize my whole point of what I'm saying, your Masterpiece you wrote was stupendous. Beautiful job.

From your clumsy and curious friend,

OofOof1 :-)




1nspire says...


Thank you so much!



User avatar
992 Reviews


Points: 25595
Reviews: 992

Donate
Tue Apr 16, 2019 11:16 am
JabberHut wrote a review...



Hello!

You did a really good job with this piece. It flowed so smoothly, and the twist halfway through worked so well. It didn't feel jarring in anyway, but just shocking and hooked me further into the poem.

Your opening lines were awesome. It was an unexpected metaphor (usually it's the metaphor used in your third stanza) but a clever one. I don't really like the word "caused," it just sounds clunky, but I don't know if there's a better way for you to reword this. Something to think about. Also, it references the largest desert, and it would be really neat if it referenced the Sahara specifically or some well known desert. That one is entirely up to you!

By the fourth stanza, it's all happy feels. You really set the stage up for what's to come, leaving the reader feeling good and lovey-dovey. In fact, this is where I had to reread the couplet like five times because I didn't expect the twist! The pacing in this piece is just excellent. This stanza I would also suggest rewording just enough to drop or replace "got". The word "got" is just another clunker that could affect your flow.

I really like how it ends with this rhythm, the rhyming scheme just flowing through the unexpected second half. I wonder, though, why she would be crying (stanza 7) and ending the relationship if he did nothing wrong (stanza 6). Surely something went wrong that convinced her the relationship isn't working, and it's a big enough deal that she's crying constantly over it. And it's something to do with the relationship 'cause the poem set us up for this assumption! It's about their beautiful relationship ending in tears. This leads me to simply suggest changing the line "You did nothing wrong" or explaining it somewhere else in the piece.

I really like what you have here. It's just cleverly written, the pacing is fantastic, the structure is fantastic. I'd simply tweak some wording here and there, and you'll have yourself a solid gem of a piece!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!




1nspire says...


Thank you so much! I w rote this rather quickly, so I%u2019ll definitely take another look at the wording. I really appreciate the review!



User avatar
71 Reviews


Points: 4213
Reviews: 71

Donate
Tue Apr 16, 2019 3:51 am
FabihaNeera wrote a review...



Hello,

This is really, really good! Each line has a simple idea, and it's able to convey so much emotion at the same time. I think each line flows really smoothly to the next... and its overall really well-written. I especially love the lines where you use "if I had this... " These are really good comparisons that fit in perfectly.

I think that maybe you can look at your rhyme scheme. In some areas, I see a rhyme, but this doesn't stay consistent throughout. Unless it's a free verse... if you add in a rhyme scheme, I think the lines would flow better together :D

Anyway, this is a really good poem! I'll say again that I love the simple, yet feel lines of this. I hope to read more of your work!

Keep Writing!




1nspire says...


Thanks for the review!



Random avatar

Points: 95
Reviews: 18

Donate
Tue Apr 16, 2019 2:34 am
brookeallo says...



This is one of the best poems I have read omlllll it really allows me to feel something thanks so much for writing :).




1nspire says...


Thank you so much!!!




When you cut pieces out of the truth to avoid looking like a fool, you end up looking like a moron instead.
— Robin Hobb