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An Addiction of the Mind (16+ for mature themes and mild language)

by raisedXxbyXxwolves


That moment in time
when everything stands still
and all you feel is alive,
your body humming with life. 

When you know that your body
numb as it is
can still feel pain.

That second
after the knife makes contact
and your soft skin parts eagerly.

When you feel
that's all, just feel.

The emotion's terrorizing you daily
they wash away
with the small beads of red.

That's my addicition.

Not a day goes by
that it's not there
hidden in the back of my mind
covered by my smile.

"Willpower, strength
not worth it in the end."
The wise words
shoved down my throat daily
the taste of bullshit covered
by another dose of "care."


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813 Reviews


Points: 28451
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Sat Feb 02, 2013 6:42 am
Morrigan wrote a review...



Hi there.

(You should probably put a trigger warning in the description along with your rating.)
(you've used the wrong "your" in the fourth line)

Now that that's out of my system, on to the review!
As a whole, the poem feels a little unfocused. You start by describing the act, then talking about it when you're not doing the act. The last two stanzas are the ones making this feel unfocused.

Also, in the first part, I don't feel anything. You tell, and don't show. It is a very difficult feeling to describe, but it's possible. Try grounding your descriptions of your feelings at the time in metaphors and similes. It will make it easier for the reader to relate to what you're feeling. For example, instead of saying

That moment in time
when everything stands still
and all you feel is alive.

you could say
It is the breath before
I dive from the cliff into the
white waters of the river.

People can relate to that. Even if they've never done it before, it's easier to imagine than time standing still.
Try infusing your poem with more images like that. It's very plain and straightforward as it is, and therefore personal and unfeeling.

That second
after the knife makes contact
and your soft skin parts eagerly.

When you feel
that's all, just feel


Expand on both of these stanzas. The first one, just more description. The second, add metaphor, like mentioned above. The first one is too short. There is much more to the act than this.
In the moment before, doesn't your body hum in anticipation? All your muscles are taught. Afterwards, you relax, and with the relaxation comes dopamine. You should include this. Don't just say the moment after. It leaves it as a sentence fragment and leaves the reader hanging.

That's my addiction
this seems pretty callous compared to the rest of the poem. If you end it with a line similar to this (which I suggest; the two stanzas at the end only soften the impact of what you said before), make sure it reflects the tone of the rest of the poem.

You've got potential in this poem. Work it out and it will be pretty good. Keep writing.




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179 Reviews


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Reviews: 179

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Fri Feb 01, 2013 9:36 pm
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guineapiggirl wrote a review...



Hello! Here to review! Although you have some lovely reviews already!
Firstly, welcome to YWS! Because you're newish. Also, you haven't reviewed anything yet! You should do that. At least an equal number to how many you've had :D
But anyway, now... Review time!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
"When you know that you're body"
NO!!!! Sorry. Or did you mean you are body? that could kind of work...
numb as it is
can still feel pain.
No. You meant your. As in, belonging to you. Not you're, as in, you are, but abbreviated.
Now onto content.
"Willpower, strength
not worth it in the end."
The wise words
shoved down my throat daily
the tasted of bullshit covered
by another dose of care."
When you say tasted, do you mean taste? Also, the way you use one rude word but no others is confusing. I don't like this whole last stanza. I don't really get it, and it doesn't fit in with the rest of the poem.
I found the way you used second person (you) in the first half annoying. And then, for the last bit, you switch to first person. It's very confusing. I'd prefer it if you stuck to one or the other (preferably first) throughout. Or you could use one, instead of you. That would be good. One's soft skin parts eagerly... That would sound quite poetic.
NOw, positives. You've got some decent description. Definitely imagery. Your subject's a little boring and overdone, and you don't really bring anything new to it, but you do a decent job of it anyway.
All in all, this is a decent piece.
Remember to write some reviews now!
And, again, welcome!




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Reviews: 1313

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Fri Feb 01, 2013 7:48 pm
Hannah wrote a review...



Hello again!

I want to say that I'm interested by this subject matter. I'm interested because it's not an experience I've had, and I am waiting, waiting, waiting for the moment I hit upon a writing that can make me feel like I have. You know, the way novels make you feel for a moment that you're a character you're not, or in love with a character you're not really in love with. I want that vicarious experience. I hope that's not disrespectful, but I think receiving that feeling speaks to the quality of the art.

That said, the poem here is not giving me anything new. The only moment where I feel anything is here:

and your soft skin parts eagerly.


I think it's a combination of soft being so close to parts (soft parts), and then reading it a second time and realizing the skin is parting (as a verb) that really struck me. It brings a strong sense of gesture and movement that the rest of the poem is lacking.

I guess I'll ask some questions to try to help you hone in on where the power is in this poem/subject. What are the gestures you see when you envision this poem? What other gestures/moments does that one gesture remind you of? Use this to compare. Use associative writing to get more images, smells, sights, textures, more VIVID language into this poem. There's a lot of simple, explanatory language that might as well be prose if you didn't add line breaks. For example:

Not a day goes by that it's not there, hidden in the back of my mind, covered by my smile.


You could see that in a journal or story, couldn't you? What can you do to this subject with poetry that you can't in a journal? Explore that!

I do like the ending a lot, too, but not the way it's worded. I love the idea that the speaker acknowledges that the other people have care around their bs, because usually it seems that people just dismiss whatever other people say as completely insubstantial and stupid. I like the concession here.

Anyway, do what you can with this poem. To your ability. PM me if you have any questions or comments!

Good luck.




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Fri Feb 01, 2013 7:26 pm
LadySpark wrote a review...



Hello there! Here to review you, today :3


So, my first impression of this poem was how meaningful it obviously is to the writer. I can tell that you really care about the topic you're writing about, and that you really believe in the words you're writing down. Obviously, this poem is dark, but it's also got a vividness to it, that just pulls the reader right in. Let's talk about the stanzas, shall we. I personally don't think you start out strong in the first stanza, it's rather cliched, and to be honest, I've heard it before. It's also not something I can sink my teeth into, it's very obvious what the writer is talking about, but I wish you had hidden it, so that the reader could discover it later in the poem.

Quick little thing in the second stanza, you say 'you're' when I think you mean 'your'. Remember to use 'you're' only as a contraction of 'you are'. There also needs to be a comma after, 'numb as it is,'.

The third stanza is the darkest of them all, and it's so abrupt, it gives the reader a little jolt. You go, 'oh! So this is what this poem is about!' and you're almost frightened to read on. Be tasteful when you're writing about such a subject. It would have been a lot smoother if you had found a metaphor instead of using the word knife. Think about it for awhile, what could you say in place of knife?

The last stanza is my favorite, because the writer gets so angry. You can tell they're upset about the world, and you want to help them...

Sorry this review doesn't go very indepth, as always, I'm pressed for time.

If you have any questions, just shoot me a PM!
Spark





I always knew that deep down in every human heart, there is mercy and generosity. No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.
— Nelson Mandela, Long Walk to Freedom