The boy felt thick beads of sweat running down his forehead. He tried to blot out the carnage that surrounded him; pretend he didn’t feel the sticky blood that seeped from his abdomen to his gray woolen uniform. Instead, he imagined he was back at home, eating one of his mama’s roasts with his whole family; Mama, Papa, his two big sisters.
The blood on the boy’s stomach got thicker and as his vision blurred, he noticed no one coming to his rescue. ‘Course not, because many of his friends were still alive and well, fighting for their cause, and he would join the many other lifeless forms that lay strewn across the ground. Besides, who cared about him? He was just a boy who thought he was braver than he was.
He wouldn’t have gotten shot if he’d had the courage to shoot the Yankee first. But the only time the boy had used the gun before was in training, and even then he was a lousy shot.
He should have never left home. If he hadn’t, maybe the last sight he saw in this world would be a little happier. He could be with those who he loved.
Instead, the boy saw a grassy plain strewn with bodies, both blue and gray. He realized they weren’t different at all in death. Just boys like him serving the cause they felt was right.
Those still standing would honor the memory of their fallen friends. The boy wondered if he would be remembered.
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139,292 Literary Works • 672,524 Reviews
Hey there, Eli. Sorry this took so long. I would have had the judging finished while I was at pep band Wednesday but turns out the game was actually worth watching for once. And I barely even understood what was going on while I was there.
Anyways, I love what you did here and I’m always happy to see a solid piece of historical fiction. I really don’t have any huge comments. You captured the moment well and painted a sad, yet thought-provoking, story. The plot, though simple, is very well constructed.
I really wish I had something more critical to say but I don’t. Anyways, I award you third place, mostly because you used the word “like.” Tisk tisk. But other than that, you had a really great story. PM me whenever to receive your review.
Oh, and Congrats!
~lilymoore
Hi there my competiton...I mean Eli!
I thought it was a very powerful moment that you chose to write about in this piece of flash fiction and I thought for the most part you conveyed it well...I managed to feel sympathy for the boy even if I didn't get to spend that long with him.
I think my only problem is that you seemed to dot around a fair bit in such a small amount of space. By this I mean that you address quite a few different topics going through this boys mind, his family, about whether anyone would care about him, if he would be remembered and a hint of what the point of this war is.
I think it would be much more powerful if you just chose say one of these topics to really focus down on and make really emotive. For example...why not just focus on his family, on him remembering his hometown...sort of like his life passing before his eyes. Remembering the things he most loved and hallucinating I suppose.
I think you need to be extremely careful with this sort of topic because I can already sense that you are injecting your thoughts on this war into the story. You're trying to convey how you disapprove of these wasted lives, at least that is what I got from it. And I think you need something a lot purer than that. Just think about a boy...in his last moments.
Hope that was helpful! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions
Bex
x
Hi Elinor!
So excited to see all the entries!
I think you chose quite an interesting setting and scene; flash fiction is lovely because it lets you experiment maybe even more than a normal short story.
Here the repetition of "mama" bothered me a little, and I wondered whether you could just end the sentence at "family". However, if you want the family members in, you could make it even more personal by using the sisters' names instead of "big sisters". Like "Mama, Papa, Missy, Louann" or whatever girls would be called at that time.
I thought it was a bit contradictory how the boy thinks that no one cares about him, he's just a boy... but then he still wonders if he would be remembered. Wouldn't he automatically think that no, no one would remember him because no one cares?
I like the point that seeminglymeaningless made about the food.
Overall, I thought this was pretty good, but I might have wanted to *feel* more. Good luck in the contest!
Demeter
x
I sort of liked this, but at the same time really didn't. I felt that it was slightly clichéd and predictable, but the prose itself was commendable. One of my main concerns/points of criticism is your word use; there seems to be too many superfluous unnecessary words. For example:
A battle scene in the midst of war demands hard short sentences, prose that pulls you forward faster than you can read. Currently what you have reminds me of a sprawling fantasy, a story that will go on for a long time; you and I know better, it doesn't.
So:
Boom, we know something is wrong... but what? What happened? Short punchy sentences!
Another thing I didn't like was the "mama's roasts" reference. If there's one thing I know about cooking, it is that roasts are impersonal. You put a slab of meat into the oven, done. Now consider pancakes, pies, mashed spud and sausages. I don't know your exact time period, but I'm sure there are plenty of other food dishes that would have made this reference far more realistic. If you're going to mention food, why not weave it in?
And the last thing I didn't like was the self-pity/patriotism portrayed in this piece. He's fighting for a "cause", something he may or may not believe in. He's leaving behind his family and his mother's puff pastries. Or so you don't really say. None of your words actually make me feel sympathy with the character; his personality doesn't shine through. You're an omnipresent narrator who has no emotional connection with the story you're typing out.
It feels as if you wanted to write a story about a boy who joined an army and regretted dying, but didn't write anything beyond the bare bones of the structure (was there a word limit, perhaps?). Even if there was a word limit, the first paragraph could have been the whole story if you had gone in more depth about what he saw around him, did he even feel pain?? If not, why?
I don't know. For a short piece, it's okay. But it has far more potential, and I do think you could make this a lot better if you focus more on what you haven't said. He's been shot or whatever in the stomach, but feels no pain. Surely there would be a stench in the air, fly-blown corpses rotting under the sun, but he smells nothing. There are blue and grey uniforms but he feels no animosity for the enemy, or compassion for his fallen comrades.
- jhoi
.... I accidentally forgot to tick as a review. Could you tell me how I can delete my previous comment/edit it? Thank you.
Haha, this is is for a flash fiction contest and I can't be more than 250 words, and I'm right at that limit.
Otherwise, thank you! And this set during the American Civil War.
Haha, this is is for a flash fiction contest and I can't be more than 250 words, and I'm right at that limit.
Otherwise, thank you! And this set during the American Civil War.
Haha, this is is for a flash fiction contest and I can't be more than 250 words, and I'm right at that limit.
Otherwise, thank you! And this set during the American Civil War.
Haha, this is is for a flash fiction contest and I can't be more than 250 words, and I'm right at that limit.
Otherwise, thank you! And this set during the American Civil War.
Quadra post?
Yeah my internet was being funky. I have no idea how that happened. o_0
[snip // accidental post]