The Greater Evil

I love this so much! It's so dramatic and the ending is so funny.
This won't be a particularly /helpful/ review, but that's because there's nothing to fix, to be honest.
I'm so curious, I have to ask: how do you decide where to break the lines? The line where "halt," is just the one word is so brilliant!
Stupendous job!

This was too funny. I love the way you combined dramatic fantastical language and imagery with a real-life scenario that most of us can relate to. I know this isn't a very long or helpful review, but I had to say how much it made me laugh!

~Blue

Kyllosmack, you have such a lovely way of making silly things into awesome metaphors. I seriously read your poetry often, when you write about these things, and stop afterwards with a very soft, “I don’t even.”

My biggest attack on this will be your love of breaking the fourth wall. I know you love to do it, and it’s fun, but it really kills your flow. When you throw things into parentheses, like it or not, something’s going to change about either flow or voice. And that’s not always a good thing. And you don’t even need them where you have them. The speaker has such a unique voice to begin with, and you show off your colloquial I-Don’t-Care-But-I’ll-Make-This-Poetic style in the first four lines when you just stop and say “She must be desperate.” So you do a couple of things without necessity, and I’d suggest playing around with ‘em.

Your phrasing of images bugs me because you do this every time.

The _____ is/was/are/have __________________________.

Kyllorac! This is absolutely amazing!

I LOVE the imagery in this piece it's very vivid and powerful. I also like your style of writing and how you mix like, well, a little cliché words with extraordinary ones and just plain casual ones, it gave the poem originality and yeh, it was cool!

Also, this was a very intruging poem while at the same time it was lighthearted and funny.

The one complaint I've got is the structure... I'd advice you to divide the text into a few stanzas and don't chop incompelte lines into severeal. Like here;

"(He had it coming, and though Mom may
miss him, I certainly won't; I certainly
don't. He was too nice an older
half-brother; he must have been
plotting against me and Mom.)"

I'd rather have it written like this;

(He had it coming,
and though Mom may miss him,
I certainly won't; I certainly don't.
He was too nice, an older half-brother;
he must have been plotting,
against me and Mom.) - Written like this, and with a few extra commas the flow goes on easier and it doesn't get as choppy to read

Overall though, I loved reading this poem! Soo GREAT JOB!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Hi there!

My comments/suggestion are in violet below:

Kyllorac wrote:Though forged in the fires of mountains fell
and born of a Dark Lord's luminal research these first two lines are really powerful. They set the tone for the rest of this poem and really give the reader an idea of how it's going to be.
Mom is calling customer service;
she must be desperate.
The spike pits are filled to the brim with
bones from bold interlopers and
cleaning crews alike while the drowning
room scuppers are clogged with the slime of
countless decaying corpses. Great imagery.The fire-
faced chamber is filled full of ashes and
no one has seen the sweepers for weeks, meanwhile
the trap tiles have crossed all of their wires: the
Bastard <-- I don't think you have to capitalize this word. tripped ten before tumbling down dead.
(He had it coming, and though Mom may
miss him, I certainly won't; I certainly
don't. I like the repeating/rhyming here. He was too nice insert comma here an older
half-brother; he must have been
plotting against me and Mom us.) And then there's the Chamber of
Sleepless Blades; it's ground to a momentous
halt.
And we cannot forget the drawbridge that broke
for the uumpteenth-zillionth time today, falling I know the underlined phrase is something people say a lot today, but I don't think it fits in with the way the rest of this poem is going. Maybe you should just say 'for the milllionth time'. I understand that that doesn't quite give the same effect, but it sounds better.
down into the Grave Abyss and
taking the repairman with it. (I think he was the
last. We shall have to train more.) Now
Mom is dialing extensions like mad;
I can see the rage ignite her eyes. Great imagery!
Oh dear.
They wouldn't dare.
They've put Mom on hold.

I really enjoyed this! It was fun to read, and the ending was great. You really couldn't have ended it better. I struggled to understand what was going on, and had to read it twice to get the gist of it. Nevertheless, it was a great read!
-Anna

Wow. I'm absolutely blown away. I really enjoyed this poem for a number of reasons.
I love how you combined realistic things that have the potential to be boring, with other-worldly images that speed up the pace and add a fantastical touch.
I also love how you've combined dramatic lines with more casual lines, and made the poem more personal with the italics and hyphenated words instead of leaving them separate which would increase the formality.
I found the last line really funny and I also enjoyed "I can see the rage ignite her eyes", because it's original while at the same time paints a clear picture.
At times I felt like you could leave out the line break (I hope you understand this), for example
"(I think he was the
last. We shall have to train more.) Now"
I think (and this is only my opinion) that you could put leave "last" on the line after "the" and continue after the fullstop.
Then again, it is your poem and I don't want to change anything that would mean taking out any of your creativity!
I've never read a poem like this before so it was refreshing, inventive and a perfect balance.