Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
I love the story line but i didn't really think "shit" was necessary. good job it made me laugh!
When I first read it, I didn't get it! (being the dense person I am) but now I see the humour in it! Good job! HILARIOUS, actually, the last line cracked me up! One thing you could do, though, is make the first four lines rhyme, so they seem more poetic to the reader. But it's your choice, really. I like it this way as well!
Keep it up!
Mist
Now that I'm at an actual keyboard, I can finally reply.
The fun thing about poetry is that it's basically everything that isn't prose. As a result, poetry doesn't have to rhyme, and rhymes themselves don't make a poem feel more poetic. Think of some really bad rhyming poems you've come across. Did they feel poetic? Probably not.
If you can relate to a poem, it succeeds as a poem even if it doesn't rhyme.
Basically, I don't think this poem would benefit from rhyming. It's a silly little snapshot of a scenario quite a few people have encountered in their lives, and I think the rhyme would take away some of the crassness that makes the (literal) toilet humor work.
Though if you didn't suggest the rhyming out of belief that poems should rhyme, feel free to disregard all that. It's a very common misconception that poems should rhyme, which is why I addressed it.
Oh my gosh! Story of my life! Perfectly done! Made me laugh. Good job!
I love how people are still reading this.
I personally found it a little too simple to be even considered a poem. If Lumi was wrong, then this is perhaps the most ovverrated work which I ever saw...
It was not truly amusing, a little too vague and seems to overall lack quality.
Anyhow, again, this is all assuming Lumi was just joking and was 'incorrect'.
I think I have written the most overrated poem ever.
Oh that's adorable, we've all done that. Should have picked the lock
nice
I think you need to improve the flow to suit the action of this piece.
*nods*
This was a great poem for me to end the night with after a great day of reviewing! It definitely drew a smile across my face. I loved how simple it was and the last line's bluntness brought the whole thing together. Great job and keep writing! BRAVO
This poem really did make me laugh. I think that it is a fabulous funny poem. I love the ending to it. It is surprising yet hilarious. The one comment that I have is maybe you could use a different word besides shit. I understand if that is what you think best makes your point, but maybe you could use a different word to make the poem sound more well thought out. Great Job!
Oh my goodness. This poem really made me chuckle! This definitely ties in to the call of nature. So basically the bathroom was occupied, and nature called you.
I think the only thing that I would suggest to correct is the contraction "water's". It is not really a real contraction, so try saying "The water isn't helping."
Besides that, it was a very entertaining poem. Keep writing!
Hey Ky!
I never review poetry, and I don't see why I'd have to change now. But I couldn't contain myself from commenting on this one.
If people think that this was senseless or something, then the only thing I can say is that they've lost their sense of humour. How I look it is really different. This is an amusing poem, to be honest, and that's what is it USP.
Also, I love the fact how Lumi gave us the dissection of the poem on a platter. After reading his review, the meaning of the poem has become even more clear and I've got to salute him for that.
One thing I'd really like to say is that I like it because of its simplicity. I know how tough it is to convey a message using simple words and lines. So a salute to you, too. ^_^
A funny piece indeed!
~Mia
I'm saving this forever.
Hey Kyll.
I -- I -- I'm surprised, really.
Perhaps this is some inside joke or another, but, um... I don't see what meaning this has. Poetry isn't necessarily great and deep work, but, really?
=_="
A very confused Ita leaves you now.
Kyllorac,
to be honest i didn't like this.
i don't want to sound mean, but to me it was like four lines about some random needing to pee. Whether you intended for this to have a deeper meaning or not, you need to re write this a litte better.
I can see what your're trying to say by relating it to nature but you might want to expand your vocabulary by using a better choice of words.
"I need to pee."
to me this line made the poem sound really amateur.
however your idea was good, you just need to find a better way of expressing it.
sorry if i sounded mean ( i don't mean to offend you, it's just my opinion
Kyllorac,
to be honest i didn't like this.
i don't want to sound mean, but to me it was like four lines about some random needing to pee. Whether you intended for this to have a deeper meaning or not, you need to re write this a litte better.
I can see what your're trying to say by relating it to nature but you might want to expand your vocabulary by using a better choice of words.
"I need to pee."
to me this line made the poem sound really amateur.
however your idea was good, you just need to find a better way of expressing it.
sorry if i sounded mean ( i don't mean to offend you, it's just my opinion)
Dear Kyllorac,
I must say that your piece has touched me in a very strong way. Not only have you tapped into one of the most carnal problems of man in modern society, but darnit, Kyllorac, you've given us duality! Clearly, the need to pee is a metaphor for expressing oneself, and the woman in the shower is a metaphor for those who hinder us from expressing ourselves daily.
Finally, the bush is a direct metaphor for several things:
1. Nature, where our great poet ancestors have escaped to express themselves freely
2. A save haven wherein we may reveal our true selves without fear of judgment nor wandering eyes, and
3. A vice that has the potential to hurt us in varied ways (in nature being bees, thorns, sharp leaves).
Not only did you speak to my bladder, Kyllorac, but you spoke to my soul.
-Lumi
You win again, Lumilicious.
xD <3
Hello Kyllorac,
I got all excited when I saw the title to this followed with a warning for mild language. I arrived, and felt only disappointment. This is not funny. Nor is it clever or ironic or cringe-worthy or emotionally engaging in any way whatsoever.
Given what you could have done with this piece: mirroring between the gushing streams and waterfalls and singing birds and urination and high-pitched farting; a primordial call to poop might have taken you down a contemplative journey of returning to natural roots; Or perhaps even the encounter that you have described, but far more picturesquely, might elicit some response from the reader.
Until you can envision that response, I suggest you go back to the drawing board.
You can do better than this.