Hi. The name's Joe. I'm nineteen, vegan, and a vampire. At this point, you're probably asking yourself, "How can a vampire be vegan? They're bloodsucking murderers!" It's a good question, really, one I ask myself often.
The fact of the matter is, I never wanted to be a vampire. This one hot chick at Jalyssa's shitty end-of-summer party made that decision for me. She had every intention of sucking me dry, but apparently vegans taste bad; not enough meaty substance in our blood or somesuch. At least, that's what she told me right after she spat me out. I haven't seen her since.
If I ever do see her again, the first thing I'll do is take a toothbrush to her plaque-infested fangs and mercilessly slaughter every single bacterium I can get my bristles on. Listerine washes are also a must. Seriously though, if you're gonna bite someone, the least you can do is make sure your mouth is nice and clean and not a breeding ground for the next outbreak of plague. My neck's been itching like crazy since that party, and I think the bite's infected.
Anyway. Veganism. How does that figure into the whole vampire thing? Simply put, it doesn't. All the effective blood substitutes are animal-derived. It doesn't help matters that, being a vampire who doesn't drink blood, I'm all pale and sickly-looking. My mom's on my back all the time now, I mean, even more than she used to be, about the whole veganism thing. "I told you veganism was unhealthy," she goes. "We need to get some meat in you."
Uh, mom? Aside from the fact that the whole meat industry is a gross and inhumane exploitation of defenseless animals, there's also the matter of my not being able to digest meat anymore. I can't digest much of anything, really, aside from blood. So yeah, no meat for me. Not that I can ever actually tell you this seeing as how you'd freak about me being a vampire and thus damned for all eternity. The shame! The anguish! The forcible redemption! I think I'll pass, thank you.
So yeah, I'm telling ya, being a vampire sucks. Badly. And I don't mean in the literal sense. But you probably figured that out already.
I'll stop rambling now.
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