Killing Tweety
Johnathan Singer Junior, or little Johnny, as everyone called him, was ecstatic. Today was his cousin's birthday party, and she was having it at Fast Wheels, the nearby rollerskating rink.
Little Johnny loved to skate. At the rambunctious age of three-and-a-half, he had already mastered the basics, and then some. He was so good at skating, in fact, that Santa had given little Johnny his own pair of four-wheeled skates (and not the training kind) for Christmas.
As such, Johnny didn't understand why Mommy insisted on holding his hand every time he went skating. He was big enough and good enough to skate with the big kids. Besides, Mommy skated so slow and he wanted to go fast fast fast.
Still, slow skating was better than no skating Johnny soon realized as his mother, fed up with her son's antsy antics, threatened to leave him behind with Daddy if he didn't stop squirming around this very instant!
So Johnny stood absolutely still. For a whole five minutes.
The twitching started in his fingers and toes then slowly inched up his arms and legs. It was a only a matter of moments before little Johnny was all-but dancing in place with impatience while his mother continued to dress him. It seemed to take forever, and Johnny was beginning to suspect that maybe Mommy was being slow on purpose when, at long last, all his clothes were finally on.
Little Johnny was out of the room in a flash, making it to the kitchen in record time. He was so excited about going skating that he didn't bother searching for his special glow-in-the-dark spoon, instead opting to eat breakfast at an unhealthy speed. Johnny would have finished his breakfast in record time as well if his father hadn't taken away the bowl of cereal for fear of his son choking.
After a lecture from Daddy about how eating too fast was not only dangerous, but also unhealthy, Mommy came in and told Johnny to go put on his socks and shoes and wait out in the car. Little Johnny quite happily obeyed and was sitting in the car in under five minutes.
After making sure her son was securely buckled in and that his precious roller skates were safely stowed away in the trunk, Mrs. Singer made the ten-minute drive to Fast Wheels, though she had to drive around for another ten minutes to find a parking spot. It was another fifteen minutes before she and Johnny gained admittance, and Mrs. Singer was glad she had decided to leave home early. As it was, Johnny and his Mommy arrived at the party just on time and with not a minute to spare.
Not that Johnny cared.
The party was pretty boring in Johnny's opinion. Everyone gave his cousin her presents, they all sang “Happy Birthday,” and then everyone ate cake and ice cream. Things got more fun when they started doing games because Johnny could finally skate a little, but then Tweety came out to play and the party got a whole lot more better.
Little Johnny was coming back from a drink break when the games ended and, at last, it was time for free-skate. Johnny quickly glanced around for his mother and found her talking to Auntie Tina. This could mean only one thing: he was finally free to skate as fast as he wanted to. With this thought in mind and a big grin on his face, little Johnny zipped out onto the skating floor... right into Tweety's path.
By the time they both saw each other, it was too late to turn -- they were both going too fast, and a collision seemed imminent. However, the brave yellow bird launched himself into the sky in an attempt to avoid ploughing over the small child.
Alas, Tweety was too fat to fly, and so, after a spectacular mid-air somer-flop, came crashing down to the hard skatefloor. The force of the impact was so great that Tweety's head
came
rolling
off.
As he stared at Tweety's headless, unmoving body, little Johnny heard his cousin whisper, horrified --
"You killed Tweety."
---
This story was based on real events that occurred during one of my trips to the local skating rink. Fear not. None of the children actually involved or witnessing the event were emotionally scarred for Tweety was merely winded and, as soon as he had regained his breath, quickly reattached his head before skedadling (not that I can blame the poor guy).
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139,427 Literary Works • 672,561 Reviews
Hahaha! I'd love to have seen this happen! The story is really well written, and you've justified writing the point of view of a three year old boy. One thing that could be improved, though, is punctuation. Not ALL of the story is incorrectly punctuated, just some parts. I suggest you edit it.
Otherwise, thumbs up to you! The last line is awesome.
Mysticalxx
Which parts aren't punctuated correctly? If you could point those out specifically, that would be really helpful.
Thanks you guys. :3 Your reviews make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
*glomp*
Thank you for the suggestions. That sentence has been driving me crazy because I know it was off somehow, but I had no idea how to fix it. >.<
It was, but I'll probably edit because people keep pointing it out. XP
I really liked this
I really do like your main character.
This is a very entertaining story. It is very hard to write from the point of view of someone so young but you have pulled it off very well.
I also like your story becuase it is rather comical. There aren't many comical stories on this sight so that's good! I like writing comedy pieces as well and have lots that I have written on the site.
Overall I can't point out many bad things about this piece at all. Probably because it's so good! I love your writing style and technique! You've created some funny, interesting and extremely likeable characters.
I hope that you write some more!
Keep writing!
Meg x-x
Excellent.
However, I doubt very much anyone can write from the perspective of a three year old.
Nonetheless this is an intensely entertaining piece. It exudes colour and playfullness from the outset. The simple language lends itself to immediate comrehension. You present the story with a simplicity that most definately complements the heart and spirit of Tweety; his rise, his fall, his death.
Why other users can't stick to telling a story rather than trying to be clever and ironic in their work, i'll never know.
I'm giving you a big SHM 4 star rating!
Haha. This is HILARIOUS. The whole piece has an amazing satirical feel because of the way you phrased everything rather similarly, as if from the child's perspective.
I just love the line, "He was so good at skating, in fact, that Santa had given little Johnny his own pair of four-wheeled skates (and not the training kind) for Christmas." It perfectly embodies a child - wanting to be so grown-up that he doesn't even have TRAINING skates, yet still believing in Santa.
Anyway - critiques/adjustments.
1)
Still, slow skating was better than no skating Johnny soon realized as his mother, fed up with her son's antsy antics, threatened to leave him behind with Daddy if he didn't stop squirming around this very instant!
This sentence has a few minor things - first of all, it's a run-on. Second of all, the previous context makes it seem like he is already at a nondescript skating rink. Thirdly, you could probably replace "soon realized as his mother, fed up with her son's antsy antics" with "soon realized. His mother, fed up with his antsy antics..."
2)
Next paragraph - *For five whole minutes
3)
"the party got a whole lot more better."
Not sure if that was intentional, but of course, delete "more".
I love the ending. It's adorable.
Nice job, I only had to nitpick. =)
Thanks. It was a bit of a challenge figuring out how a three-year old would think, and I'm glad you enjoyed reading this. :D
The first thing that stands out to me is how convincingly you wrote Johnny's stream of consciousness. It's a real skill to be able to write from a three-year-old's viewpoint without making it condescending, and I think yo do that quite well.
At the end, the way "Tweety's head came rolling off" is written is a neat effect.
The ending line is also funny. Overall, I really liked this-it's short, sweet and funny.