The darkness surrounds him. Above, cold stars glare down, imperious; his breath steams in the air. There is no one else here. Had he got it wrong? He stares at the crumpled up piece of paper in his hand. No, it said very clearly to come to this place, this abandoned railroad. He stamps his feet, trying to shake off the cold, the fear.
Rusted tracks extend far beyond his range of vision as haunted whispers of wind trail around him he thinks he can the sounds of the thousands of trains that once stormed past this place, screaming and rattling to unknown destinations. The gurgle of laughter, of forgotten arguments and passionate embraces seemed to linger in the air.
He shivers. Maybe this was a bad idea after all, something wasn’t right here. His heart thuds painfully in his chest and he freezes as hears the scuff of feet on gravel. He wasn’t alone. He tried not to breathe, to move, to blend in as much as possible. Mouth dry, he decides to risk it.
‘Marlee, is that you?’ he hisses. ‘Come on, stop fucking with me.’
Something surges behind, a large bulk of night shifts and scuttles in the periphery of his vision. He jumps and turns, looking all around, paranoid now. His fine grey suit seems impervious to the cold, but he is sweating. Eyes straining, he peers into the gloom, desperate to make out something familiar. He sees a flash of red, a blur of movement, hears a breathless laughter that mocks and taunts him.
‘Fuck, fuck, fuck,’ he whispers. He fumbles in his pockets for his phone hurriedly. He brings it out, hoping against hope that the battery wasn’t dead, almost crying out loud when the glow of the screen lit up. It was just enough for him to see what was coming.
He screams.
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137,476 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
This was a rather well-written piece. As flash fictions go, this one genuinely managed to engage the readers in spite of the short frame within which you have had to capture this story. I liked the way you have built up the tension and how even though we have no idea what was going on, we were still able to connect with the character and feel the dread that he was probably feeling in that moment.
Your idea was rather neat and it was executed very clearly. We do not exactly know what happened before to bring the MC there or what happens after he caught sight of whatever was coming after him. Still, this short scene worked rather well in portraying genuine emotions. For the brief moment we were with the MC, we were thoroughly intrigued and invested. You held your readers' interest until the very end, even though the developments were a little predictable.
Overall, the story works well as a flash-fiction. I loved your narration and your choice of words. The MC's desperation and fear as well as his nervous uncertainty was portrayed very accurately and I really liked the build-up to the end. There was one point I noticed though -
I am not sure if you meant to break the sentence here or if you simply forgot, but this sentence is simply too long and too much happens in it for the readers to read it in one breath. Also, you are missing a 'hear' after 'can'. I suggest breaking the sentence up like this, so that it is easier to read and easier to understand as well:
"Rusted tracks extend far beyond his range of vision as haunted whispers of wind trail around him. He thinks he can hear the sounds of the thousands of trains that once stormed past this place, screaming and rattling to unknown destinations."
That's all!
Keep writing and have a great day!
I shall take that point into account, Penguin, thanks.
Heh, I appreciate the comment.
Cheers
Lovely, I think flash fiction is my all time favourite fiction =D and this, this would ahve to be up there, I loved how I could feel how bad it was going to go. the atmosphere was wonderfully done.
One nitpick... a slightly silly one;
see, a teacher once told me that "got/gotten" arent really words, in the sense that using them in a peice of fiction is not to be done, which I suppose, is why I picked this out. There are other ways, I believe better ways, of writing the same thing. Either way, if you are to use 'got' it should actually be 'gotten' in that context =D
Ahaha. All that aside. Loved it. Muchas kudos.
*hearts* Le Penguin. Wench Capt'n.