You can see them dancing, sometimes. If you know where to look and when, you’ll see them floating carefree, all white and cool and lovely.
I was lucky enough to see it once, on All Hallows Eve – they danced and laughed, although some were sad and grief washed out from them in waves. I was crouching behind a tombstone, shivering with cold and fright; a simple dare was turning into something else entirely.
The stars glared down from the brilliant heavens. The grass was long and green and it waved slightly in the air, tickling around my knees. I was wearing shorts and it was a choice I regretted.
Most of them were children, just like me. Some though, were older and paler – you couldn’t really see them as well. The circle of spiralling figures drifted further outward, coming closer to where I was hiding. I could hear the first chords of a lilting song. It was faint, but even from a distance it made me want to dance, to twirl and have joyous fun.
I could feel a smile creeping across my face,
‘Just go and check it out,’ they had said. ‘Don't be a wuss.’
I didn’t have many friends. Those boys usually didn’t talk to me, but this morning they had, eyes cold above their gremlin, fox and troll smiles. It didn’t matter anymore.
Tonight at least, I would have friends.
They were all around me now, whispering, billowing out and above like so many thin curtains. Can’t you hear the song? I could and now I was in the centre of the circle, feet moving in smooth, confident bounds. It was wonderful and gay and lovely.
You can see us dancing, sometimes. If you know where to look and when, you’ll see us floating carefree.
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139,539 Literary Works • 672,604 Reviews
Okay, well, since there's been so much confusion perhaps it's the writing that needs to be fixed after all.
I don't want it to be too much more then the 300 words though. I shall endeavour to make it clearer, but again, thanks for the comments. I'm glad that, overall, a sense of what I tried to do came through. Thematically, at least.
Jonathan - no, not quite. Rather, his being bullied and not having friends was what pretty much drove to join the dance of the dead - because there, at least, the people are together and friendly; the music and the quiet beauty of the scene (which I hope came through the minimal description) appealed to him.
I guess its hard to explain.
Thanks for the comments.
Ya I really liked this a lot, it reminds me of my nights around the camp fire telling scary stories. My only critical response to this is that it got a little unclear in some places, but I think that can be easily fixed with a thorough reading... Ummm... I have a question abouth the story, did the boy die from being scared to death at the end? And is that why he joined the dance?
Jonathan
.
Ha, sweet.
I'm glad you guys liked it.
Cheers for the comments.
Thanks, all.
Overall... I liked this piece of work. One of the things that I love about it is that it makes you put some of the pieces together yourself while remaining descriptive. In any piece of fiction I look for good imagery and you have a lot of that. Keep it up.
This was good. It could have done with some more description, but since this is a flash fiction piece that can't really be held against it. It was comprehensible and enjoyable, with no glaring problems. Didn't see any grammatical or spelling errors, although I'm not the one to see those. Overall, very good.
It wasn't meant to be creepy per se, but it was dark.
It is basically about a boy, without many friends, who is dared to go down to the graveyard. In doing so he finds the dancing ghosts, who he eventually joins.
The fox, troll smiles line was referring to the Halloween masks the boys were wearing.
I'm surprised so many of you didn't get it, :p
Thanks for the comments.
Loved it, loved it, loved it!
Anyway...
I love that description of their smiles.
Nice simile.
Great ending for this flash fiction.
You know how to put a whole story in a small amount of words...well done! Though the ghosts are a bit cliche, being white and floating around (the classic ghost) this was done in a way that made it good. I loved the ending.
Gold star!
I'm not going to comment on your writing, since it seemed pretty good to me. But there are other things I'm going to say.
I didn't really understand this. It reminded me of a scary story I once heard and there was this girl who heard a voice who told her to join her, and the girl followed the voice, and then 50 years later another girl was following the second girls voice... Okay, I'm scaring myself now. But that was what you story reminded me of, and it was made even freakier because it was set in a graveyard.
I don't know, maybe you were going for scary. If you were, you achieved it.
Okay... thinking about what it could mean. Ghosts?
So overall, I think you need to put more in here. Don't tell us outright what's going on, but give us more hints as to what's happening you what the carefree floating things are.
Good luck!
Hey Jiggity!
Nit-Picks
This comma is needed, but it slows the sentence. I’d ditch it.
I don’t really like that you talk about the happy and sad ones in the same sentence – maybe separate the two thoughts?
What else? You have a good start here, but you need to describe the atmosphere a bit more. Use all the senses, not just touch and sight.
You say he's a kid, but he acts like a young teen throughout this whole thing. Teens don't refer to themselves as 'kids.' Maybe make him act younger, or reword this?
Big jump from these two sentences in my opinion. Smooth the transition a bit.
I’d like some repetition there. ‘…made me want to dance, to twirl, to have joyous fun.’
Not nearly strong enough to have its own line.
What kid actually says this? It’s how the person hearing it takes it, but not what they actually say.
Are you comparing them to these creatures, or are they these creatures? Since we’re dealing with ghosts, it’s a bit confusing, but the MC seems human.
A bit confusing, since we don't know what happened yet. (I've already read this.) We don't know that he goes with the ghosts - we don't know why it doesn't matter.
I really like this, but it does seem a bit random. You mean the ghosts, but as far as I can tell, they haven’t had any interaction yet. (Now I've read the whole thing.) You need to show us the time a bit better. I'm not really sure how to do this...I'd ditch the 'this morning' bit, and put stuff like this after we know he's with the ghosts...? I don't know - maybe someone else will have a better idea.
The 'now' is confusing. 'They were...now?' Sounds like you switched tense when you didn't.
If you’re going to talk like this, you need to do it sooner, so this doesn’t seem as random. I read the last line, and I loved it, but you can’t start doing it at the end.
A bit…confusing? Maybe show a tiny bit more here. It was wonderful and gay and lovely.
Again with the slow comma.
I love this.
Overall Comments
Amazing much? I loved it. My main problem was with the time, but I'm not sure how to fix that, exactly...sorry?
Oh, and is the MC a boy or a girl? Show that a bit at the beginning. (Maybe when he’s in the grass?) I’d assume a boy, since he only has boy friends, but I’m not completely sure.
PM me for anything!
~JFW1415
Yes, incorporate more. Who are these 'friends' you speak of in this work and
what are they called?
It's so confusing. Is it set in a Halloween ish town or in the really every day human world?
Are these 'friends' ghosts?
Hello Jiggity!
], on All Hallows Eve – they danced and laughed, although some were sad and grief washed out from them in waves. I was crouching behind a tombstone, shivering with cold and fright; a simple dare was turning into something else entirely.
I don't think I have ever commented on your writing before...so, here is my first review! (all I did was copy/paste and all my corrections are in bold)
You can see them dancing, sometimes. If you know where to look and when, you’ll see them floating carefree, all white and cool and lovely.
I was lucky enough to see it once [don't you mean "them" instead of "it". I don't know...maybe I'm just imagining things
The stares glared down from the brilliant heavens. The grass was long and green and it waved slightly in the air, tickling around my knees. I was wearing shorts and it was a choice I regretted.
Most of them were children, just like me. Some though, were older and paler – you couldn’t really see them as well. The circle of spiralling figures drifted further outward, coming closer to where I was hiding. I could hear the first chords of a lilting song, [I think you need to make this two seperate sentences. Like: I could hear the first chords of a lilting song. It was faint, but even from a distance, it made me want to dance, twirl, and have joyous fun.] it was faint, but even from a distance it made me want to dance, twirl and have joyous fun.
I could feel a smile creeping across my face,
‘Just go and check it out,’ they had said. ‘Aren’t you cool like us?’
I didn’t have many friends. Those boys usually didn’t talk to me, but this morning [comma] they had, eyes cold above their gremlin, fox and troll smiles. It didn’t matter anymore.
Tonight at least, I would have friends.
They were all around me now, whispering, billowing out and above like so many thin curtains. Can’t you hear the song? [maybe put the "can't you hear the song" in italics.] I could and now I was in the centre [do you mean "center"?] of the circle, feet moving in smooth, confident bounds. It was wonderful and gay and lovely.
You can see us dancing, sometimes. If you know where to look and when, you’ll see us floating carefree.
This was good. Interesting. It caught my attention so points for you
I do think you need to somehow incoporate more into this. It was too short for me and I felt as though you were missing some vital information. But, again, that might just be me
Well, I hope this helps!