Young Writers Society

LOL I just saw this. Congrats on your grade, Jig! I cant believe I didnt see the connection between eye = world -_- I guess I was just too focused on the moments presented in the story and forgot about the big picture LMAO.

Awesome! At first I was thinking C as in the A, B, C, D, F scale and I was like "Oh no!" Nice work. I'd definitely be interested to see the edits.

Grading System:

Fail

Pass (P)

Credit (C)

Distinction (D)

High Distinction (HD)

I got a C for this, and that, incase your wondering, is fantastic. Its extroadinarily hard to get above a pass and to do with the subjects main lecturer as judge was really good. She said it was a tad over-written but on the whole it was very good. I'll post the edits she made.

Thanks again for all the help!!

Heh, no worries. I hand it in on Friday so it'll be two weeks before I find out. I will make sure to post it if it happens to be great, if not I will blame you all!!

LOL, JK. No, thanks again all, for helping with this. Most appreciated.

Now, I feel it necessary to say that 'tresses' is all Tri's fault. Telling me to change a perfectly okay 'hair', lol. Kill him.

Blast it all, I had an epic comment going there myself, to respond to Bubbles, but I lost it! Garh! Oh well, I'll do it when I can be bothered lol.

For now, thanks a lot to all who commented especially Bubbly for her herculaneon effort.

Now, I feel it necessary to say that 'tresses' is all Tri's fault. Telling me to change a perfectly okay 'hair', lol. Kill him.

I cannot believe you had to ask this question!! Why does the man want his eye back? Oh, erm, gee, thats a hard one! LOL. Apart from me saying earlier that it was 'his world'? And in light of the ending, and knowing that its obviously more then just an eye, surely I dont have to explain this?

Just read the edited version. Seems a lot better now. Just a couple of things I can see to do now.

Red lips glistened as she smiled, pulled taut against skin.

Personally, I liked you using the word alabaster, I thought it showed the difference well, especially when you talked about how her lips were tinged blue from the cold later on. But it sounds a bit awkward now. Maybe you could change it to: pulled taut against her skin.

"Tell me you're secrets," she whispered.

Also, you left you're in their when it should be your. I do the same thing when I'm typing.

That's all I've got to say; otherwise I quite liked it.

Your wish is my command, Sinister Jigster!

Overall, my reaction was (sorry) one of anticlimax. Maybe it’s me, but I read so many things where the person gets sucked into the whatever and someone calls out “No!” but it’s too late, and..I guess what I’m trying to say is that the ending felt (sorry again) slightly cliché to me. Possibly I read too much, but there it is.

One thing I think you could do to compensate is give the eye a more central role, as Trident suggested. If we get the feeling that the eye is there, sinister and lurking throughout the piece, the ending, while perhaps not unexpected, will go up (IMHO) in shock value quite a bit.

Also, I’m getting mixed signals from your MC, the girl. On the one hand, she’s frightened, and on the other hand, she’s ruthless and unfeeling. Perhaps work on balancing out her personality a little more? I mean, I figure you’re trying to show her vulnerable side, or whatever, but at the same time there need to be hints, foreshadowings (even in a piece this short there has to be character consistency!), and so on. So, for example, you could show her as fighting for composure at some point, or biting her lip, or just tiny little body movements which convey indecision or uncertainty, and so forth. That would also help with the tension. With a piece this brief, you really have to work to make the reader feel the story but with as few words and as few overt clues as possible. Using character body-language can sometimes help.

NITPICKS:

It was dark outside. The shadow of leaves, backlit by moonlight, cut across her face. She was sitting at her desk, staring thoughtfully outside. An antique lamp shone with a sturdy light. Cherry red lips glistened as she smiled, pulled taut against alabaster skin. She glanced down at it, fingers twitching, wanting to cup it, feel it, hold it close. She shivered; even in the cold, it burned.

Hm. I like neither the red lips nor the alabaster skin. No offense, it’s just soooo tweenish. I freely admit that I’m prejudiced, there, though, so you don’t have to pay attention to me. I do think the transition from describing the lamp to her lips and from there to the “it” she’s looking down at, is a bit...choppy. Other than that, though, I love the “backlit” line, and the last line there – way to build up the suspense!

It had fascinated her for a long time now. She could remember it[s],[/s] twinkling above her cot, taunting her. There were other times, when it smiled benevolently, eyed her lecherously, or merely stared, blank. But the situation had changed now. It was no longer protected. Its owner was dead, and now she had it; a small, sticky white ball, blue pupil ringed by colourful dots. She glared at it. It looked so small, pitiful, and helpless, rocking slightly on the polished rich brown of her desk. She would not fall for its lies. Picking it up, she brought it close to her lips.

Adjective overload! Space it out some – you’ve got about 5 adjectives in a single sentence somewhere in there and my brain hurts when I try to read it. Back story is good; we see the link between her and the Eye goes back some time. But I don’t like the transition “there were other times” – it seems chunky. Perhaps, “At other times” or “As she grew older, there were other times...”. It just needs a bit more padding there IMHO.

"Tell me you're secrets," she whispered.

You do this a lot. Mix up your and you’re, I mean. But then, I still can’t remember where to put the damn apostrophe with “s” so I guess I can’t talk LMAO. But perhaps when you edit, just look out for the “your” and “you’re” parts and ask yourself, “What am I saying here?” If it COULD be read as “you are” then you want “you’re”, if it belongs to someone, then it’s “your”. Easy!

It seemed to shudder in her hand.

She smiled.

Grandfather had always been strong. It was what made her love him, and she expected nothing less from his eye: his world. A cold wind blew in, stirring her long auburn tresses. The hairs on the nape of her neck prickled. Her eyes narrowed. He was coming. She swivelled in her chair, legs dangling above the ground, to face her room. A pearly luminescence began to form, swirling around the blank figure of a man. She watched, dispassionate.

I know you’re trying to avoid saying “hair” twice, but come on – tresses? How about “stirring her long auburn hair. The back of her neck prickled.” I’m not sure how we get from the eye “seeming to shudder” in her hand, and her Grandfather being strong. That is, I’m not sure how the shuddering connects with strength. Perhaps you could say something about how it resisted her, or whatever, to make the connotation clearer? I’d move “to face her room” up to before the “legs dangling” part, to eliminate commas. I always have this feeling that the fewer commas, the better. Also, I’m not sure about a “pearly luminescence” forming. A luminescence = “an emission of light due to a stimulus like directed pressure, heating, rubbing, irradiation with X-rays, ultraviolet light, etc.” (thank you Google), and for some reason I just don’t see light as “forming”. Perhaps just, “A pearly luminescence began to swirl around the blank figure of a man”? Still getting mixed signals from girly here.

Slowly an image of the man came to life, as if being drawn by a giant artist. A light grey suit adorned his tall frame, complete with glossy black shoes. His face and hands were tanned. His lips were thin with disapproval, his brow furrowed. There were deep black voids, where his eyes should have been. Inky shadow dripped, rivulets that snaked down his face.

I think it reads better as “Slowly, the man’s image came to life”. Why is the artist giant? Is he an especially huge man? Or would it be better to say, perhaps, an “invisible” artist, or an “unseen hand”? Why the info dump? Grey suits do not adorn. Do they? I can’t really see anything as “adorning” except accessories, like diamonds or earrings or whatever. Of course, this is just me, but I think “adorned” is the wrong word. Perhaps something more personal. You mention he is tall. Is he thin? Is he fat? “The grey suit hung off his tall frame...” or “The grey suit stretched over his massive frame...” --- both tell us more about the character. This is good. Right now, your description has no life (if you’ll pardon the pun). Also, he’s a ghost! How can he have a tan? I don’t see him as solid. Is he solid? I want to know. Tell me. But don’t tell me, if you see what I mean. Speaking of which, I don’t want to be told he’s disapproving with his thin lips. Show me how they disapprove! And how can you look disapproving while you’re weeping inky tears anyway? Semantics suck, but you gotta think about these things.

The ghost wept.

She shivered, sneering feebly.

Give it back.

The girl. Not “she”. The girl. You’ve said “she” too much and you’ve just talked about the other character for a whole paragraph; we need more specifics as to who “she” is, if you see what I mean. Why does ole Grandaddy want the eye back? Or is that supposed to be why he has voids for eyes?

"Never," she said. "It's mine now."

Give it back!

The words were howled at her, a song of agony and loss.

Erm. Not sure I like that line. Too..pushy? I get the feeling, with this piece, that you’re being very heavy on the lyrical descriptions and while that’s all very well (you clearly enjoy flourishing words about), I know from experience that most Creative Writing profs do not take kindly to superfluous adjectives. Their opinion aside, from my own writing I have come to understand that there is such a thing as too much of a good thing where adjectives are concerned. What I’m trying to say is, I think “howled”, “agony” and “loss” are too strong. Strong words are good, but only a little at a time. What you’re doing – throughout this lovely little piece – is over-using them so that they lose their shock value. I think it’s like the problem of showing and telling, only on a subtler level; you want to convey the agony and loss without telling us directly about it, you see? It’s like a game – guess how the character feels! LOL. You’ve started out pretty well by telling us the ghost is weeping. Now perhaps you could follow up with a pleading gesture, a step forward, a moan, a beg. Something which shows loss and pain rather than tells it.

"Go away, Grandfather," she said, unmoved. "You don't belong here."

He didn't seem to hear her. GIVE IT BACK!

A wall of wind slammed into her, smashing her back into her desk. She whimpered. Her hand tightened around the eye, bringing it up to her chest. She curled up around it. The temperature plunged. Her lips were tinged now with blue, and she shuddered. Its heat was not enough; she was going to freeze. She stared into the little orb, desperate. The deep blue sea, ringed by islands, beckoned her. There was a world there, she knew, and it called to her. Opening her heart, she gave in. She felt herself stretch to impossible lengths, before cramping into a tiny space. The pain was indescribable; screaming, she was sucked in.

Lily, no!

Of the girl and the eye, nothing remained.

Perhaps a little bit more punch in this section? I want to know more about why she gave in. Did she resist? Did she know it was dangerous? What was it about the world that called to her? Let me play with it, just to see how it could work (I’m horrible, I know, it’s a disease...I can’t help fiddling with things that aint broke...)...

“A wall of wind slammed into her. She crashed into the desk, whimpering in pain, and her hand tightened around the eye. She curled up around it. Her lips were tinged with blue – it was freezing. The heat of the eye was not enough; she was going to die.

Desperate, she stared into the little orb. There was a world in there, she knew. A deep blue sea, ringed with islands. It called to her. She knew she should resist, but it looked so warm...Opening her heart, she gave in. She felt herself stretch to impossible lengths, before cramping into a tiny space, barely big enough to breathe. The pain was indescribable.

Lily! The ghost cried.

But of the girl and the eye, nothing remained.”

Erm. Something like that...**coughs embarrassedly and changes the subject**

Anyway. Despite the foregoing, I did actually like this piece, LOL. Hope I helped some, and wasn’t too draconian. Good luck with your revision/editing, and, of course, your grade. Let us know how you do!

Cheers,
~bubbles

LOL. What the.

You thought a lamp had lips? I'm sorry but your confusion about the light is hilarious and... illogical lol. I agree on the on the void thing, before it was:

Deep black voids stared, where eyes should have been.

Meh. I think the line after it compensates for creepiness.

I will, I'm pretty certain, extend it at a latter date.

Well to mimic what some other people are saying, creepy and spooky.

I found it confusing at first,

An antique lamp shone with a sturdy light. Cherry red lips glistened as she smiled, pulled taut against alabaster skin. She glanced down at it, fingers twitching, wanting to cup it, feel it, hold it close. She shivered; even in the cold, it burned.

It was no longer protected. Its owner was dead, and now she had it; a small, sticky white ball, blue pupil ringed by colourful dots.

There were deep black voids, where his eyes should have been.

Tri! Thanks for this. I did a little bit of editing now, some things I left as they were. The 'alabaster' part, I will probably change, but for now I will leave. I wanted dramatic contrast so I think it works well.

Twould be interesting to see what others thought of that.

She shivered, sneering

Inky shadow dripped rivulets that snaked down his face.

Hey Jig, as promised...

It was dark outside. The shadow of leaves, backlit by moonlight, cut across her vision.

An antique lamp shone with sturdy, whickered light.

Cherry red lips glistened as she smiled, pulled taut against alabaster skin.

It was no longer protected; its owner was dead, and now she had it: a small, sticky white ball, blue pupil ringed by colourful dots.

A cold wind blew in, stirring her long auburn hair. The hairs on the nape of her neck prickled.

A light grey suit adorned his tall frame, complete [s]by[/s] with glossy black shoes.

There were deep black voids [s]stared at her,[/s] where his eyes should have been. Inky shadow dripped, rivulets that snaked down his face.

She shivered, sneering.

A wall of wind, slammed into her, smashing her back into her desk.

Its heat was not enough; she was going to freeze.

The deep blue sea, ringed by islands, [s]beckoned her[/s].

LOL!!!

Now that's open to debate I'd say, lol, I quite liked your carving story. Not so much the beautiful woman one though, equally well written and yet, not as good. Go figure.

Thanks for the vote of confidence though.

Evidently you did outdo me. Punk.

Haha, excellent. "freaky" and "spooky" are just the sort of reactions I wanted. Ah, the reason its so short is because it had to be 500wds. Its for my writing course.

I will, sometime later, extend this to the length I had originally intended.

Cheers.

Woah. That was freaky.

Only one problem I spotted: you used the wrong form of 'your.' The one you used is the conjuction of 'you are,' but other than the random gramatical error, you caught my attention. I found this opening to be deeply suspenseful, which makes me want to read more.

Which brings me to my question: When will there by more?

It was intresting and kind of spooky, I would probably continue it if the next chapter (or chapters) catch my attention. Add to here surrondings what did the room she was in look like. But I'll look for the next one and read it and see if it catches my attention and maybe continue reading. And sorry if I'm sounding picky, but I'm kinda picky on what I read.