fanfic of Unbreakable
************
Institute for the Criminally Insane
Elijah Price stared dazedly into the distance. He was allowed one small window, through which to see the outside world, and it was at this that he gazed. It seemed more a mockery than a gift. This is what you can never have…what you forsook…it whispered. Rolling green fields ran from his watching eyes.
He trembled.
Tearing his gaze away from the tantalizing view, he looked instead to his own room. There was nothing but the chair on which he sat. The entire room was cushioned; after all they wouldn’t want me to break prematurely, he thought bitterly. He wasn’t even afforded the treatment of a normal mental case— his arms would snap if placed into the restrictive embrace of a straightjacket—and all because of a birth defect: type I Osteogenesis imperfecta. The bane of his existence.
He twitched.
Memories arose. “Why are you so weak Mr. Glass? Why do you break so easily? Why aren’t you normal like the rest of us?”
“Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaa…”
“My name’s not Mr. Glass!” he pleaded “please stop calling me that”
“Mr. Glass, Mr. Glass, Mr. Glass!”
“Ha ha ha haaaa ha”
He moaned.
Questions assaulted him: Why? Why, god why? Why do I exist? Questions which until recently had remained unanswered. Now he knew. There was a reason for his existence after-all. A smile flickered and was gone. He lived to oppose... If he was ultra weak, then logically there must be one who was ultra strong, someone who stood on the opposite side of the spectrum. His exact opposite.
He had to find and kill his nemesis, David Dunn.
He cackled.
He’d spent years and hundreds of innocent lives to find him, and find him he had. Yes, he remembered it all. The hotel corridor that he’d blocked off and burned… The bombing in the town square… The train wreck…the hundreds that had died; all instigated in the hope of finding a sole survivor, someone who had survived, unscathed, against all the odds. That person was David Dunn.
Tears of mirth streamed down his face.
A disembodied metallic voice broke through his reminiscence, “I see you’re having fun, Mr. Price. Care to let us in on the joke?”
“I doubt you’d find it amusing”
“For some reason, so do I. So, how are you feeling today, Mr. Price?”
“Good enough for some face to face interaction”
There was a pause, followed by the sound of a lock turning. Elijah hid a smile and watched as the doctor walked in, unaware of his impending death. The doctor smiled reassuringly at him while taking out his clipboard and pen.
The pen.
Elijah watched with feverish intensity as the doctor clicked and the sharp tip came into sight. He answered the questions absently and waited for the right moment. Half an hour later and Elijah despaired of ever finding the right moment. Then for one brief but fatal moment the doctor looked away, distracted by the shadow of a bird, as it flitted by the window. Elijah seized the moment and lunged, snatching the pen from the surprised medic and ramming it up, through the soft tissue beneath the chin and up into the brain.
Blood trickled down onto his hand, as the doctor twitched and convulsed in his death throes. Taking the white lab coat from the dead man along with a set of keys, he placed it around his own shoulders, turned and let himself out.
An hour later the alarms began to sound.
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Hmm... interesting.
Fisher just picked this post apart, so this should help a bit. ;] But like Blackstorm said, "Good enough for some face to face interaction" does need a period at the end. it was very mysterious at the beginning, but at th end it all became clearer: this guy is a psycho, (just an opinion) and most good story must have a psycho some place.
Still, it was pretty good.
“Good enough for some face to face interaction” needs a period at the end.
Other than that, I thought it was awesome. Are there other parts to this story?
Yes I loved the character of Elijah.
Cheers, Im glad you liked it, especially since youve seen the movie and can compare/ relate to the piece. I'll continue with it and see it where it goes.
I loved the film and I think that the piece above is also very good, I particular like how you describe Elijahs emotions etc...
Yes you should check into it, and so should everyone else, its an awesome movie. Seriously, its ridiculously good and coming from the M.Night.Shyamalan Im not surprised, as he is consistently awesome.
More comments would be aprreicated, as Im not sure wether I should continue this.
You're welcome!
Interesting. Learn something new everyday.The name of the movie is Unbreakable, right? Just checking.
Thanks a lot fishr!
The dialogue part is kinda explained by the Type 1 Osteogenesis Imperfecta: Its a rare disease, that makes the bones especially brittle. For instance were Mr. Price to fall down the stairs, he'd break a lot, if not all his bones. You kinda need to have watched the movie to get that. A;though I did explain that he was ultra weak in the story.
In his childhood, he was teased by other children because of his constant breaking. Which is why there was that painful memory. David Dunn is Ultra strong, so yeah, I mentioned that also.
Anyways, thanks a lot for your comments!! I appreciate it a lot.
Well, this was an interesting read.
I will have to read the original to understand the fanfic but overall I liked your story and especially the ending, which you'll see more compliments towards the bottom. There are a few things that can be revised to strengthen the story but as far as I saw there were very little grammar mistakes and no spelling errors. So kudos to you for that. 
The only grammar error I saw was with the dialogue but that was it. I decided to critique and review so enjoy. 
I'll be pointing out what I enjoyed as well what can be improved.
This is just my own personal opinion, but I feel "dazedly" is cluttering the sentence. Usually when a person is staring they are in state of daze or confusion already. For the second sentence, I suggest removing the following words - through, which, and it was at this that he gazed.This will leave you with -
Now the sentence is tighter and stronger. We already know Elijah is staring, so we don't really need to know that he's also gazing. Staring and gazing are very similar and essentially have the same meaning.
For the fourth sentence and this is only an opinion, but I don't believe you need (...) in that sentence. The only time I use (...) is if a character is stuttering or unable to speak due to shock. Maybe something along the lines of this?
You may have to play around with wording until it fits your needs but from a reader's POV, it just doesn't fit in this circumstance. Also, instead of forsook, how about forsaken?
Example:
Of course, it's up to you but "forsook" seems odd in that sentence from my prespective as the reader.
I love the last line though.
Hehehe. I smiled when I read this. This is an excellent example of great description. In one sentence, you were able to describe the room and how disgusted Elijah is. He obviously hates his room and furthermore - imprisonment. Great job!
What is Osteogenesis? Or is this mentioned in the original story?
That whole dialogue was very confusing. I had no idea what was going on. Who is Mr. Glass and who is laughing/mocking?
This piece of dialogue especially; is Elijah speaking here?
The dialogue itself needs to be fixed so I know who is speaking to whom. If you could do that, it would be awesome.
And just for grammar purposes, there should be a period after "pleaded" and "please" should be capitalized.
Capitalize God because it is a title.
Just a tad deranged, huh? LOL! This is guy is a fruitcake but a very determined man. For whatever unknown reason, Elijah loathes David Dunn. I wonder why? I hope somewhere down the road this will be explained.
A minor nitpick but voices don't sound metallic or have the capability of producing a metallic tone. However, a memory is capable of capturing a specific sound, such as a cannon firing and re-acting it almost precisely. If that's what you were attempting, I suggest re-ordering the words or just remove "metallic" all together.
A for the sake of clarity, I suggest removing "disembodied." By definition, disembodied means to free (the soul or spirit) from the body. In the sentence you're using it in, the word is being used incorrectly. Just thought I'd point it out.
Haha! This is awesome! He truly has major issues. Not only does he have a special voice talking to him, but he answers back - aloud! Great stuff. Poor Elijah, lol.
The ending was cool also. It's interesting in a way. Elijah is in an institution for the criminally insane, yet he's very much cunning and intelligent. Even though he's lost his marbles, or lack of, Elijah is resourceful and I'm sure that quality is play a major role in the future.
I enjoyed this piece and loved the ending more. The poor doctor, lmao. He never saw that one coming did he? Well, serves him right for taking the 'criminally insane' too lightly.
Again, I'm very sorry it took me so long to finish and I hoped I helped. Have a great day!
-fishr
Thanks, Fishr. Comments ar much appreciated, but going by the lack of them I'd say a lot of people havent seen Unbreakable, so your not alone there...
Its tuesday...
Hi ya, Jiggy!
Well, me thinks I'll have to read Unbreakable some time to understand your fanfic properly. However, I'm letting you know I did read it and found it intriguing. I also enjoy the use of your vocabulary words. It's refreshing to see writers 'step up' and strive to broaden their knowledge such as yourself.
There's a few things that can be touched and improved to strengthen the story but more on that later. 
Unfortunately, I don't have time to critique it this week. I will try and review your fanfic Monday, Tuesday the latest. St. Pat's Day is a busy week.
G'day Mate!
fishr
Has noone anything to say? Nothing constructive? Not even a simple 'I liked it, it was good'?