Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression:So this had some really awesome description and the idea too sounds like a really awesome one. What I feel is that this is still missing out on some proper action because it seems to be solely description, at times even too much description and there was basically no actual action taking place and so on the whole it becomes a little bland with description after description with nothing to break it up.
Anyway let's get right to it,
He was lost; adrift in a stone labyrinth, confused and dazed. The smooth, gleaming white walls seemed to close in, mocking him with its pristine glare, so reminiscent of his father. He could see it now, the sneer forming on those imperial, aristocratic features: "Filth. Call yourself a prince!" Disappointment would creep into his voice, and he would look away. "You are no better then a peasant." The sharp sting of disapproval, that made him feel so small once, seemed so fleeting now.
That's quite a nice description that you've started things off with there. Really sets the setting while establishing a bit of a tone as well. Great start to the story.
He had no one to rely on now, no supervisor or adult to tell him what to do, or to correct his mistakes. No retainer to await his every need; he was alone. Tears filled his eyes, but he refused to let them fall, this at least his father had taught him well. Straightening his back, he squared his shoulders and strode forward with renewed vigour. The massive, sprawling palace, an ostentatious construction designed by his father--the emperor--loomed above him as he scurried deeper into its depths.
This really is some wonderful description that is also somehow conveying emotions about this character.
Everything was going wrong; his father had been taken captive, and even now the palace was being sacked. The surprise attack had shocked everyone; the creatures had never been so bold before. The last image he had of his father; a wretched, screaming visage--eyes rolling in torment as he was dragged away--was seared indelibly on his mind. The emperor and a small band of loyal soldiers had fought the beasts of nightmare that had crashed into the room--a mass of scales, claws and demon-red eyes that dripped gore. They hadn't stood a chance. Overcome, they were quickly taken away, the creatures roaring in triumph and glee. Despair encroached, how could he, one boy take on the forces of Hell? He wasn't sure, but he was determined to try. The over dressed, gaudy crowd of sycophants that were his father's retinue had fled at the first indication of battle. They were quick to return though, like vultures circling the remains of power. Cowards! He thought angrily, treading his way carefully now. The darkness was alleviated only by the faint glow of the walls, his eyes strained to make out details, and his heart beat frantically against his chest.
I have to say that is a pretty darn good flashback that you have there although it does still feel somewhat large there. I feel like it would do even better if it was split into a couple of smaller paragraphs.
He stopped, peering blearily ahead. Had he heard something or was it the darkness playing tricks on him? He was being hunted, the fatigue that was hovering around the edges … just waiting for a slip up, a drop of defenses. He was approaching a well of darkness, one not illuminated by the cool, marble walls that lit, like reflected water. The prince decided to forge ahead, only to find a crossroads facing him with a myriad of tunnels branching off into different directions. A new wave of despair mingled desperation swamped his tall, figure. Which road to choose, which path to take, what journey to traverse? … the possibilities confounded. He closed his eyes, breathed deep the darkness and walked forward, trusting to fate. There are some things that are just beyond your control.
Okay by this point we have reached a very dangerous level of description. This area is just dancing around with being a little bit ovedescribed here. Its starting to drain away the tension from the scene by just being a really long description and that's not something that you want to be seeing here.
A blazing red glow tinged the darkness, seeping through toward him--it shone from the end of the tunnel. The faint glimmer of light from the marble walls had long since faded, and he could hear the odd guffaw, snicker and grunt, signatures of the creatures. His lips pulled back and his face twisted into a rictus of ferocity as he braced himself. He ran, stripping away the humanity that cloaked him. Thoughts were left behind and the emotions, only recently uncovered, were abandoned. To survive this he needed to become that which he would encounter. Otherwise he would not return, but be savaged both physically and mentally. The red light burned into his eyes--and the madness that gleamed there. At the heart of the palace, of Man, there lay the Creatures, the Beast. It was revealed to him now, the boy prince no longer, but a man come to the end of a tunnel.
That seems to be a nice little shift of power that you've written there.
He stood on the edge of a precipice, grinning down into a pit of evil. His eyes flicked to and fro, seeing but not taking in the images; the blood, the twisted flesh. It was too much: he screamed. Veins throbbing visibly against his skin, hair twirling madly down his back; caked in mud and blood, he was an animal. A true man. He looked down at the Beasts glaring up at him, "Come now, don't act as if you don't recognise me," he said with a smile.
For all the buildup that was there in the first few paragraphs I feel like that is really not paying anything off there. It wasn't all too clear exactly what just happened. This could be me just being bad at this but that's the way I felt about it.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall I'd say the language was really good. It was beautiful and you conjured some great images in a reader's head but on the whole the plot, while promising, just doesn't get a proper chance to play out before this story cuts off abruptly.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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