Day 2
Motivations, It’s a very tricky subject to deal with. On one hand, if you look at something in an utilitarian perspective, no matter the motivation, an action is deemed good as long as the outcome is good. However, in other parts of philosophy, especially religion, motivation plays a huge factor in how good or bad someone is. Now why am I bringing this up? Because I’m a fraud.
The Ethicalibrator only determines how good you are, not how good you are. It only examines the external behavior that we portray and can’t take into factor motivations or thoughts of those actions we did at all. If it did though, I would probably be one of the lowest scorers in this town.
Anyways, let’s forget about that.
So, ignoring the deeply flawed system which determines who gets salvation and who gets eternal damnation solely based on numbers, I went outside today.
The streets of Eden were built upon a large oasis that supports this entire town’s water supply. The fields are luscious and the streets are filled with bountiful flowers on its side. Like a garden. Outside of it though, outside this garden, there’s nothing but barren sanded deserts and toxic residue that still remains way after The Great Extinction. Townspeople are strictly forbidden from exiting this place and those who do mostly die or come back severely injured, sick, or discombobulated into an otherworldly looking being. The last one only happened once though. And I was born long after it happened.
I walked down the streets and made my way towards the dark green house with acacian fencing around it.
*Knock Knock Knock*
“Hi, you’re here early! I’m gonna be ready in just’a bit,” said Khea.
Khea and I’ve been best friends since elementary school. She was the first one to reach out to me during second grade, while I was crying about my favorite toy being broken, and we’ve been friends ever since. (It was a limited edition Barbie doll from the 2050s. shut up, it was valuable to me okay?)
“Okay, let’s go now.” Khea said, still tying her hair as she walked down the stairs of the front door.
We walked together down the streets to the local library.
As Khea was reading a book she grabbed from the fantasy section, I was finishing off my english project about a random poet that died centuries ago.
“Why does school always force us to learn about some random dead poet?” I complained.
“Well, for starters, he isn’t technically a poet. He’s a playwright, author and poet all in one. Plus, you wouldn't have been working tirelessly on this project only if you hadn't procrastinated that much.”
“You sound just like my mom.”
By the time I finished my project, it was already dark outside and we parted ways.
Day 2 (Night)
Inside of an alleyway, on my way back home, I found a weird green gemstone lying on the ground. When I put my hand close to it to pick it up, the gemstone glowed. It felt as if it was reacting to me.
I grabbed it, thinking I’ll probably report it as a lost item to the police one day.
Unlocking the door, I entered my house and my parents were still wide awake.
“Why are you so late?” Mom said, staring down at the paperwork she was doing. Dad was sitting on the couch, reading some kind of sports magazine.
“Oh, I had to finish my project and it took longer than I thought.”
“Okay. Well, you should go wash yourself quickly. It’s the Sabbath tomorrow.”
“Kay.” I replied.
After getting ready for bed, I remembered that I still had the gemstone. Since tomorrow was the Sabbath, literally everything was resting. Even police stations.
I took it out and the glow was even more lucidly illuminating inside my poorly lit room. I turned the lights off to better observe the emerald hue that the gem was giving off. The moonlight seeped in through the horizontal gaps of the wooden blinds. Windows weren’t really a thing here. Most people would just install blinds or curtains.
As I examined the gemstone, I was weirdly drawn in by its light. It was almost… mesmerizing.
Then, I jolted.
The blinds lifted up into the air as if something… someone came in.
After the blinds settled, darkness covered the left corner of my room, glinted with a pair of whites that looked like eyes. I thought it was staring directly at me but, as I followed its line of sight, I realized its attention was on the gem.
End of chapter
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139,203 Literary Works • 672,505 Reviews
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the malicious S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Esther doesn’t feel like she’s actually a good person because of her motivations, she goes to visit her friend, Khea, they go to a bookstore to get books on a dead poet and Esther takes home a strange green gem that brings a spooky shadow into her room!
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you want to edit this, then you may.
Chocolate Bar - Ooh I like that Esther briefly addressed the flawed system of the Ethicalibrator and then brushes it off, because even now, she only cares about herself and Khea. The description of the fences for Khea’s house was nice and I like the mention of the toxic waste in the other parts of the world, because they’re all willfully living in a perfect bubble while the rest of the world burns. It’s kind of like how some people live today, in a way.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a fabulous chapter on the shadows that lurk under the surface! I wonder what the gem and the shadow are all about. Maybe they’ll show Esther something quite frightening but much needed for her to see. And I wonder, who is this dead poet? If this is the future then I don’t know if it’s Shakespeare or somebody from our modern time. It’d be interesting to know…but anyway, I wish you…
A gorgeous day/night! ^v^
Hey, it's Serrurie, here for a review! I just read chapter one so I'm here for chapter 2:
The Good Stuff
- An amazing cover yet again (but that was no surprise <3)
- That was a great twist at the end! It keeps the reader hooked and advances the worldbuilding
- We get to learn more about the character's backstory and her friend
- This chapter has a strong plot that centers around the gemstone (This made it an easier read than chapter one)
Room For Improvement
- You have good grammar for the most part, I don't think there's anything to point out (so good job on that!)
- Again, I would like to point out info-dumping. An important part of writing is that instead of simply telling us what happened in the past, you drop subtle hints using speech, description, or a single sentence that DOES explain everything, but not in too much detail. I think you did better with info-dumping here, but I think the story could use more description mixed with more action to further enhance the story. For example:
We (the reader) are given this beautiful, detailed paragraph (that's well written but is on the verge of info-dumping) and get to learn all about the Ethicalibrator but are suddenly thrusted into the MC going outside without a strong transition. The important part about stories in these situations is to make sure that in the middle of the descriptions, the MC gets out of their thoughts (for even just a moment) and focuses for a second on what their doing. This can be shown with something stress-inducing outside of their own thoughts that causes them to refoucs, a smell, a sound, or even just remembering that they ARE doing something. Here's a simple rewrite (which, only use for inspiration if you'd like:
Notice how I rewrote the pattern for a smoother transition? The 'forget about that' transition was just a little extra. This is (of course) just an example, but balancing action and description is one of the biggest keys to making sure the reader doesn't get confused, bored, or shocked (in a bad way) when they finally realize what the MC is actually doing.
- This was a really great story! You had a strong plot, great worldbuilding, and we learn more about the characters (I'm honestly addicted to this story now, and you only have THREE chapters up? Please keep writing this, because I'm invested). I'm excited to keep reading this! Thanks for writing something with biblical themes.
Happy writing! (Keep up the good work
Serrurie
I really liked your point about a smoother transition! I definitely feel that the beginning of this story is quite infodump heavy.
However, I tried to make our MC Esther the type of person to be a bit bipolar and probably heavily ADHDed (i.e. thinking about smt existential, then forgetting it the next moment as she goes on her day). It also added in to that impending flaw that we are all very aware of but not fully shown yet.
But, I can definitely see where youre coming from, and I will hopefully have less info dump as the story carries on bc this world is so confusing even for me lmao. Anyways, have a great day and tysm for a fantastic review!
Thanks for the reply! Have a blessed day
Hello again! I got so excited when you messaged that there was a new chapter, but I had to go to sleep, and then school the next day, and then ugnhhhh but now I have time so let's get into it!
First off.... the cover!!! The cover! The cover!!! How are you so good at art like what the heck? Are you sure you aren't stealing it from somewhere? o.O And - and - the gemstone! (It's so pretty, too!) It just looks so beautiful I can't. (Are you going to make covers for each chapter?? That's going to be a lot...)
Okay, so first impressions. The first chapter was mostly exposition; characters, location, premise of the story, some foreshadowing, but this is where it starts, isn't it? The gemstone has to have some significance, right? It's in this chapter's cover - was it in the last one two? Her earring looked eerily like the gem... maybe just a smaller version? The way this is laid out is sooo good I'm kind of in awe about the way you're pulling me into the story. (Seriously. I haven't been this invested in a story for a while.)
Let's dive deeper!
The whole first paragraph is just beautiful - everything comes together in all the right places and the subject addresses something very prominent to the story and something on the reader's minds... but this line just seals it all together. Throughout the paragraph, she's alluding to this line the whole time, but it just feels like a sudden pow! when she says it. We also learn that she is very much aware of this flaw in the system, and basically just ignores it, with a simple, "let’s forget about that it totally won't come back to bite me later," kind of way. Only thing I'd say is you probably want a period rather than a comma after that first "Motivations" at the very very beginning. :p
So not only did this almost make me laugh in the middle of my classroom earlier today (because I couldn't resist and read it at school (don't worry I wasn't missing out on any schoolwork we were playing games because we're a few days away from summer)), it also sets up the next part of the story. And you combine all this humor and seriousness in such an eloquent and beautiful way all in the first few paragraphs.
Ooh, descriptions for the town. I like how it's called Eden, and you say "like a garden." Cool reference! If you wanted to make the descriptions stronger, I might suggest adding "stronger verbs." That is to say, instead of saying something like "The tree was tall," you could say "The tree towered over me." Was, is, were, and other verbs like that are not very strong and make it hard to create descriptive settings. If you wanted to make the description stronger, then try using different verbs. I've seen you do this in other places in your work, and I should mention there's nothing wrong with describing this way! If you want to make them stronger and more interesting, then you could try different verbs, however, they are not necessary at all times!
More potential foreshadowing?? It's eerie that this happens if they try to leave... is it really because of everything that happened beforehand, or is there something that they don't know? Discombobulated seems like such a scary word, and I actually had to look up what exactly it means. Having someone return from outside of Eden completely disconnected from everything around them would be terrifying to witness. I wonder why it only happened once? And who it happened to? Hmm...
In most traditional books, most authors don't use asterisks (*) to create sounds, although if you want to use them for effect on YWS I think it's a perfectly valid way to create sounds! If you wanted to get it closer to a traditional book, you may want to put the "knock"s in italics or put them in a complete sentence.
You've got a really nice mix of humor and seriousness in here! I love the little, I guess vulnerability? A lot about what we know from Esther so far is that she does a ton to get points, but she also cares about things like dolls. It's so sweet, and it's so nice and interesting to see another side of her! And ooh, I want a limited edition Barbie doll from the 2050s... (May want to capitalize the s in "shut up")
I know a lot of beginning writers struggle with making their writing seem realistic, so I just wanted to point out that this does a really good job of adding to the realism! Character movements help not only to tell the reader about the character and how they act and what they do, it's also just natural for characters to act and move and have tasks to do. They're not idle in conversation, they do other things too! I would personally add more of these around, especially in conversations where not as much is going on. (If there are characters talking fast-paced and are talking about how the world is doomed, maybe adding tying hair back is not such a helpful detail. In slightly duller moments, it's perfect for keeping reader interest.) (Side note: Are you a beginning writer? I didn't mean to assume anything - honestly it seems you've been writing quite a while with the level of detail and control you've shown throughout the story so far)
If you wanted to make this stronger and more important, try to draw it out. Put the reader in Esther's shoes for a bit and show, don't tell, the reader about discovering this gemstone. What's the environment like? Is it cloudy? Is it raining? Is the moon out? Is there a cat that knocks over something and startles her? Why is she near the alleyway? Coincidence? A shadow that confused her for some reason? Then she notices a strange glow emanating from an alleyway. Try to lay out the scene and make the gem more important, if it is important! If it's not an important plot point, this could still gain a little from a bit more details and suspence!
The switch to italics and the eyes and oooh... Suspense suspence cliff-hanger ahhhh! What's going to happen who do they eyes belong to I'm so excited is Esther in danger? Is this because of the green gemstone? I have so many questions!
Overall, I'd love to get to know Esther more. (Which both means I'm excited for the next chapter, and...) We'll probably get to know her very well in the oncoming chapters, and we already are gathering information here and there, but the more little tidbits we can learn about her near the beginning, the better! (Emphasis on little. Not too much info-dumping here!) Especially if it's in a behavior we can see her doing, like a habit, or way of talking. Personality, too.
Again, I'm in love with the premise of this story, and even more so after reading the second part here. I love the execution, just the writing in general, and the style! I'm literally so invested in this, more than any other YWS novel I've reviewed for a while (shh don't tell anyone!), and I can't wait to see where it goes! Even if for some reason this story isn't continued, please keep writing! You have a true talent and I'd hate to see it go to waste!
Have a fantastic day/night, and I hope to see you again soon! ^^
Hello orabella(can I call you that? lol), thank you so much for your review once again! Yes, I do plan on making a new art for every new release (as long as I have motivation haha%u2026), and I really appreciate that you like it so much!
Also, I really appreciate that you werent holding back on any criticisms this time. I will definitely keep in mind your suggestion about more colorful verbs and more descriptive words!
I reallllyyy appreciate your feedbacks and suggestions as thats one of the main reasons I love YWS so much (hooray for constructive criticism)!
Have a nice rest of your day and if you have any questions or suggestions, feel free to leave a PM or wall post or smt.
Yeah of course you can call me that! (Can I call you Toast? Or would you prefer Mr./Mrs. ToastK the First, Writer of Fabrication: Shikari and Eater of Toast? XD)
I'm glad my criticisms were helpful! Sometimes I worry I'm being too discouraging, so sometimes I won't include them.
You have a nice day, too! If I think of any more to add, I definitely will leave a PM or wall post! ^^
Here with another review! Again, I LOVE YOUR ART! Is there a particular significance to the necklace that the character on this cover is holding? I see that the last one had an earring with the same emerald on the MCs ear.
Hello again! ~ Writing Commentary
HA, I felt like I was onto something with my review last chapter ( ˶ˆᗜˆ˵ )
Regardless, I really think your writing has improved since the early Box Children I read! I like the philosophical aspect that this chapter throws us into starting out. I personally love philosophical topics, so I am all here for it! It also helps that you eluded to this last chapter but did not outright state anything!
Assuming this is Shakespeare, SCREW Shakespeare.
Love and…The Gem ~ Story Commentary
It seems Esther has found a mysterious gemstone…So it does seem it has some sort of significance! I wonder what wonders this holds? Overall, it seems like things are beginning to get a bit more hectic this chapter, but most of it felt dedicated to worldbuilding. I really love the worldbuilding here, it hits both of my itches for stories; post-apocalyptic, and philosophical (in ways). It feels like you really have a nice world with interesting rules to play with thus far!
Missing the Sabbath? ~ Closer
Seems Esther has been visited by some sort of…creature? I wonder what will happen!
Thank you so much for your review again! Im glad that you enjoyed the philosophical pondering of this because the original was very heavily Good Place inspired lol (great show btw). Also, I cant appreciate how much it means that your commenting on my works, your feedback has helped me improve alot an I appreciate them!
Hi! This story sounds intriguing!
I loved the lines:
“Motivations, It’s a very tricky subject to deal with.”
Can you maybe expand on the bad things this character has done for the right reasons?
This is also nitpicky, but I think instead of going:
“ Knock Knock Knock*”
You describe how the character knocks on the door?
Last question:
Does your character have a name?
All in all, I loved reading your story! Can’t wait to see what happens next!
Thank you for your review! The main characters name is Esther (I have it on the first chapter so maybe you can check it out lol), but I definitely feel like I forgot to put it in here so my bad.. haha..